Please let it be over.......

It is not even Christmas Eve yet and I am sick of it. The whole holiday just sucks beyond belief. I know believe me I know that I have tons to be grateful and thankful for. It still does not take away my stress.

Tomorrow is your birthday and this is the first year you both are gone. I cannot imagine what it feels like to be Michael. His first Christmas without either of you. My girlfriend that lost her babies in July am I sure she feels the loss even more so. Another girlfriend her son is back in the hospital with the mrsa strep and not sure if they will get to be home for Christmas.

This will also be the first Christmas I have to share my sons with their father and split the holiday. This not something new for me I have had to do it for years with my daughter. But her father and his family and I had a totally different relationship. So my children will be with their fathers and I will be here with my sister and her children. Supervising her visit.

I also have thought about am I missing something because I don't have a significate other in my life. Truly I do not think I am I still need to learn to live with myself. I think this next year should be somewhat of a priority year. Getting things in order. It is long over due.

I have always thought people should be loving,caring and giving all year round. Not just now to look good to others. My tree is up and has been for awhile but I can say for myself that I have not truly felt the spirit of Christmas as my heart has been to heavy with the pain of the world. In speaking with my sister last week. I asked her what is that when you feel emotion so deeply happy, sad and just flat out pain. She described as being hypersensative. Thank God I beginning to think I may be bi polar.

I am in the home stretch now so I just need to pull up my boot straps and suck it up. New Year's Eve is right around the corner. I am better suited for New Years. No gifts just food drink and merriment with friends and family. Those are the holidays that I can enjoy rather stress free.

To those of you I admire your ability to survive the holiday with true Christmas spirit. I can only hope in time that I will join you.

She looked like ..........

Okay all I have to say in my defense is that anyone who knows me if you ask me my honest opinion I will give it. Sometimes, I will give it when not asked for as well.

I have never been and will never be one that will tell you a lie. Especially when it comes to big girls wearing white. I am sorry this is an A1 no no. Major fashion suicide. You might as well be a bulleyes for some big game shoot. Seriously I cannot ever recall a full size woman that I know personally pulling this one off.

So you can imagine my horror, shock, surprise whatever emotion or all of the above when my own precious daughter came home with a white coat. She proudly came out to model it. I am now in pain, tongue nearly ready to bleed as I am biting it to keep from saying anything.

I begged her in my mind to not ask me those five little words. The words came so easy from her mouth. "What do you think Mom?" I could no longer hold back. I tried to be gentle as I could. Not wanting to crush her spirit.

But, before I knew that thing we will call my alter ego took over. All I could see in from of me was that big marshmellow creature from the movie "Ghost Busters." Before I knew it, I said it plain as day, you look like a big marshmellow. I then cringed waiting for her response.

She looked at me and was not pleased. I apologized, and quickly followed it with my take on the color white and full figured girls and women. I thought it best she hear from me. We can now laugh about it and she has thanked me for telling the truth.

Yeah.....I am not alone

The more I travel down this road the more educated I become. Today I had to take my niece for a med check as she has adhd. So after the visit we went to the pharmacy. While waiting for the meds to be filled we walked around the store.

As we were browsing the pre packaged gift section of this particular store she was very touchy feely of the merchandise. I told her to stop touching as they were pre packaged alcholic beverages. I told her those were for people like me who had too many children and that I could use several and started laughing.

The lady standing next to me agreed and we stood there looking at the packages. My niece was like omg that lady is agreeing with you. I said it was because she had children as well as the lady nodded in agreement.

So the following conversation insued. We compared notes she had two biological children two foster children and had a child or two for daycare. To which I replied I have three biological children and three foster children who were relative placement. That I too do daycare as well and had four children that I took care before and after school.

The lady said you have me beat. From there the conversation turned to the state of the foster care system in our state. We both shared the same frustration of it shortfalls,mutally agreed about fears of speaking out and losing the children in our care. Lastly about the boy that shot the people at the mall.

Health and Human Service held a press conference basically to cya (cover your ass) and talk about how much money they had spent trying to help him. The gentleman went on to say how the offer whatever support in so many words. To which the lady and I just shook our heads and said amazing.

I take this chance meeting as the universe telling me that I need to be apart of the greater good. So after the first of the year I will pursue classes to allow me to foster other children than just relative placement.

Being Thankful Being Blessed Being Human

Tis the season. I have spent alot of time thinking about what I am thankful for. If I would have had to write this blog the day before Thanksgiving. Not much I was way too annoyed on several different levels. Not enough sleep, work, shop, cook.

I get this way every year around the holidays and it gets worse the closer it gets to Christmas. The same old spill you get from us scrooge type personalities. For me I think I have lost that magic of the holidays. No matter how dysfunctional of a family we were growing up it was there. It is hard for me to explain it. But it felt like the holidays.

I have three children and I have really tried very hard every year. I wonder if they ever had that feeling that it is magic. You can ask anyone in my family I am a total basket case. The previous two Thanksgivings were very good though. We traveled to be with family.

So now we are here in this holdiay season. The night before Thanksgiving I had to work till midnight. When I got off I went and shopped nothing like last minute. So I get home and put things away. I make the pie and jello cups the night before so they are nice and set up for the next day. My oldest son instead of playing his game decided to help me. It was great. We had a good time and made me feel like he is taking an interest in the way we celebrate.

So after a few hours sleep I am back in the kitchen. All the children drift in and out of the kitchen while I am cooking. Each sampling something different or wanting to know how soon we will be eating. It was very relaxed. I contribute the atmosphere to not having the ex over as I have felt compelled to do in previous years. I agreed to supervise my sister's visit with her children so she could be with them. It was the eight of us.

So in that moment when we all sat at the table everyone talking and eating. I am thankful that we have each other.

Government......Conspiracy......Insanity......

I am at a total loss at this point. I have not had time blog lately and I am going to tell you what has kept me from it. Refresher for those who have never read my blog and reminder for those who do.

Due to a family situation I am the foster mother to my niece and nephews. Believe me I would move heaven earth for them or any child in need. This is not the first time I have had them. Though as time goes on it is very apparent to me that the several things fell through the cracks or the case is just been mishandled and somebody is trying to cover their mistakes.

I have had these three children since the middle of August. I have been made to jump through hoops like you wouldn't believe. If they made being a parent as difficult maybe there would be less abuse and neglect.

The youngest is in a daycare for children with behavior issues. The older two have therapy once a week. One is in the home and the other goes to a therapist . They have visit on Saturdays with mom and the father of the boys. My niece has visit one day during the week with her father. Two days a week there are assistance to the therapists in the home for two hours a visit. Mind you it is not the same two
days either.

In addition to this I have the caseworker come and walk through my house to make sure it is suitable for them to live in. Mind you they were living in a two bedroom apartment with all three children in the same bedroom. The apartment was unkempt that is putting it kindly. I had to have a home study done and that person had to tour my house and then give a recommendation if I was fit to keep them. Remember I had them previously from December of 2005 until August of 2006. Then we had to get finger printed by the state patrol everyone over the age of 18 that lives in the home. Last but not least so the State can get its fair share of the grant monies they have come out to the home to license us a family placement foster care home.

In addition to all of this I take them to doctor appointments, dentist appointments and attend parent teacher meetings and deal with any other contact regarding the children. Also include are monthly visits from the case worker, monthly IEP's for the youngest one and host (and I use that term loosely) a monthly team meeting for my sister, the caseworker, family support worker and family advocate.

I am the one with the children and she is the one with the cheering section to help get down the right path. The icing on the cake with all this, the state has me jumping through all these hoops telling me until this is done and that is done I cannot be paid for care of the children.

So now that I have dotted all my i's and crossed all my t's I call the state today. I ask if system updated to recieve a check for November. Keep in mind that I have had the children since August. The response is no, I am sorry our system does not recognize that there should be a retro check cut. The irony in this is if you owe the government money they sure know how to flag you to get their money.

Insane I know. The government really needs to take a look at how they treat the ones that are trying to help fix what someone else has broken.

This seasons crude.....

In as much as I love this time of year I hate it. All the children are sick and now the litte petri dishes have passed it off to me.

Of course it is viral and not bacterial. Which makes it "JUST TOUGH IT OUT YOU BIG BABY!" kinda thing. First off the oldest man-boy gets strep. Then number one daughter gets laryngitis.

Then youngest son and youngest nephew get colds. Youngest nephews turns into sinus infection. Oh my word....I have never seen so much green stuff ooze out of a small child.

So much so between the two steady streams from his nose and his eyes I would swear and alien is trying to escape. Since escape in that venue was not working out. Friday morning the poor guy starts vomitting and having diarrhea. Three loads of laundry by high noon.

It is now Monday and we are switching antibiotics because according to the doctor he should have been getting better not trying to expell the alien within.

Word to the wise the petri dishes expell germs faster than you can clean them with rubber gloves and disinfectant.

Okay then.......

My youngest son never ceases to amaze me. Truth be told they all never cease to amaze me at sometime or another. But this past weekend took the cake.

I am not sure what I was doing. But I was seeing kids off for visit or something. Anyway I came back into the house. My daugther was freaking out because her brother was in the kitchen. Whatever he was doing he was not letting her in on it.

So the ever involved mother that I am. I am like what's going on? Immeadiately my daughter is telling me her brother is in the kitchen and he wont't tell her anything so on and so forth.

My son comes out and sits on the couch, when I proceed to ask him what's up? He informs me that he has cut his finger. Oh? Okay. How did you do that. My son went on to say that he did it while he was in the shower.

Now I am really confused. So I am like explain to me how you cut your finger in the shower. Keep in mind he is thirteen and has went kicking and screaming into puberty.

His response, "on the razor in the shower." Mind you the the razors in the shower belong to my daughter and myself. I look at him and state, "you aren't shaving your face are you?" Because those are not the razors to be using.

He looks and me and as serious as can be says,"no I shaved my legs." Okay then.... hmmm... son of mine only girls shave their legs. To which he tells me I don't care and I will continue to do so. He stood firm even when I told him that it would grow back longer and thicker.

No more worries about him being his own person.

Friday craziness......just keeps going

I am hoping that your Friday in blogger land was better than mine. First off the carpet cleaners came earlier than expected. Oldest son came down with strep as well as one my of daycare girls.

Then there was the unexpected dog sitting. So I managed to get all off to school. Carpet cleaned and hit the road running. I went and let the dog out so he could run around the yard. Left there and took oldest son to the doctor. Then to the pharamacy and home for a few.

School was out so I took my one daycare child with me to collect the middle school children. There was six in all in my vehicle. Mind you little missy doesn't have shoes on. Thinking that we would be right back, no need and it was a nice day.

So I decided since I am out I will pick up the prescription and then home. As we are pulling into the pharmacy parking lot we hear a loud pop. You guessed it. My tire blew. So I run in a get the prescription and see if they have flip flops for missy. Of course not. If I didn't want them they would be everywhere. No cell phone call anyone. Of course all I know are at work.

So I tell the children we are having an adventure. They pair up and off we go. That was a site to see. I am sure onlookers thought I was mother hubbard.
Five girls, one boy of different ethnic backgrounds. The trick was to survive crossing one of the busier intersections in our town.

The children found great pleasure in the fact that I was telling them to run,get to the other side and save themselves. This mother hubbard is overweight and forty something and the light is not long enough to cross seven lanes of traffic. Should have had a video camera. Running was not an option nor would have been a pretty picture.

So we get home where I commence to make phone calls about my vehicle. I call the tow company and since the blow out is on the back tire they tow it on a flat bed to the tire store of my choice. So I have it towed to a store that assures me they have five in stock. So we get there and they only have two and are getting ready to close but will take care of it first thing in the morning.

I go home and continue putting my house back together from the carpet cleaning. Mind you I am going on two hours sleep since I worked late Thursday night. I get the kids off to bed and head back to work. Did I forget to mention I picked up extra hours at the request of my job. I know the traffic should have put me out of my misery.

Saturday we go get the vehicle and take it to another store who assures me they have thirteen of these tires in question and will have no problem getting those changed for me. Should take about an hour an half before they can get to it.

Later that afternoon I call and ask if the car is ready. I have my daughter take me over. Go in the store pay for the tires get my keys and head out to get my vehicle. As I am walking up to it something is just not right. I notice the front tires have not been changed. I turn around, walk back in to the store, and explain to the guy the front tires are still the old ones.

By this point I am thinking to myself, or one better. I said to the guy please don't tell my you changed my new back tires for two more new back tires and couldn't tell your were changing out new tires. He assured that was not what happened.

After explaining that my ride had somewhere to be so I am gonna have to leave not to mention the fact, I have a child with me that will level the store prevents me from waiting. He calls all hands on deck and promises to have it done in fifteen minutes.

I swear the whole garage came out to apologize. The manager gave me a free oil change for my inconvience. Believe me after Friday rolling into Saturday I did not think anything could top that day......

But that is another blog for another day....

HoRmOnEs......translation WhOrEmOaNs

I am not sure what it going on here but let me tell you. I think I am finding out what it is like to be a man. Let me clarify. All I think about is sex,sex,sex and more sex.

Okay fine not every waking minute because I have a house full of children. But when I am not dealing with children issues or working that is foremost on my mind. I am a forty something female and a more than healthy libio has kicked into high gear.

Will I act on these rampant emotions....probably not. But let me tell you, men in uniform just do it for me. Police men are at the top of my list. Must be that gun belt that gives them so much macho it just ooozes from their being. Then it would be service men. Especially the flight suits the Airforce guys wear.

I suppose my new found book interest in not helping this at all. I have started reading the Stephanie Plum Novels in which the main character is a bond enforcement agent. Working with no one but two very sexy men. One is of course a police officer and the other is a bounty hunter.

I was thinking of a career change....

Princess vs Tomboy

Her father called me today and asked what happened to his tomboy. I told him she met boys.

My daughter's father recently purchased some atv's thinking it would be good way to spend some quality family time. When she was little he would ride her on his motorcycle right up front. They went camping, fishing and boating together.

Well now she is older and thinking about other things. Just graduated college, working and of course friends. She still does things with Dad just not as much. That time we all dread when life takes over. Last week she helped him lay a concrete slab.

Came home all tussled and said that was hard work. On Saturday they took the atv's out. A few hours later my phone was ringing and it was her Dad. I knew something had to have happened. Many years of Mom experience let me keep my cool.

So I asked is she alright. He was like what. I said obviously she has been hurt as you are calling. He assured me that it was not too bad as she was able to drive and she was on her way. I hung up called and checked on her and said I would see her when she got home.

Guilt sets in and he is calling again. I told him that I had talked to her and would check her out and let him know if I was going to sue him for damages. Thus followed by laughter between us and he wondering about his tomboy.

Needless to say she was bruised and scrapped on her elbow. I told her the next day is when she would feel turning over the atv. She woke up with a bump on her forehead and had pains in her chest and side of her body that hit the ground.

I told her that is it she is not going anymore and she needed to let her Dad. The helmet she had on must of caused the bruising on her forehead. Later in the day we had a good laugh about her reporting her injuries to her Dad. He said let me guess, your Mom said you can't go again. Huh?

Yeah, yeah whatever he said. That is until the next time we go.

Death of a Meerkat

The things we bond with our children over. I am sure there are many other mothers in my same predicament. Meerkat Manor is a show that my youngest son and I have watched together on seveal occasions.

He has been watching since the show started in 2000 and the the "Queen of the Kalahari" was born, affectionately known as "Flower." For those not familiar it is a reality show on Animal Planet.

My son seemed a little more somber than ususal on Saturday. Could quite put my finger on what was going on with him. He and his brother had visit with their dad. Came home and just kinda of kept to himself.

His cousins with the exception of the youngest was outside and big brother and big sis were working. As I sat in my chair half watching my nephew and surfing the computer. My son was on the house computer behind me.

He asked me to turn and look at the screen,where he had pulled a web page. The page was a tribute to "Flower." She had died in the epsidode that aired on Friday. Talk about feeling like you have just lost the family pet.

My son was devasted. My heartbroke for him. We cried off and on Saturday night. I was even sadder that he had watched the Friday show without me. His wish was to find some way to give a fitting tribute to her. As I listened to him talk the beauty of his soul was revealed. In typical fashion of my son he decided to name a "World of Warcraft" character for her.

I asked if he would still continue to watch the show. He doesn't know if he will. He felt the show could have done something to help her. I had to explain that when filming is done in the wild they have a policy. The policy is not to disturb the natural balance of things.

This is truly one of the priceless parenting moments to know he felt comfortable to share his sorrow with me.

My brown eyed boy.......

I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. We met when we were both still young and naive. It was our senior year in high school and I had transferred to your school. You were in my homeroom, but I would not know that till much later.

Your mom would be the one to introduce us formally. I saw you that day when a car came barreling down our normally quite street dragging a man. All the neighbors came running. You with your blonde hair and brown eyes. I thought you were the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.

After all the commotion I was talking to my neighbor and another woman about what had happened and about the very cute blonde hair guy. The lady started to laugh and proclaimed that is my son you are talking about. I could have died right then and there. About that time you rounded the corner in your dune buggy.

Your mom waived you over and introduced us. Of course being of fair complexion I am sure that you thought something was wrong we me. I was bright red. When you smiled at me so did your eyes. That night you took me for a dune buggy ride. I would not believe anyone if they would have foretold of that summer.

A love affair that would carry on for several years after. Whether it was through letters, phone calls and the occasional face to face meeting. It amazes me how I remember the details so vividly like it was yesterday. Maybe I should put pen to paper and share the intimate details in one of those trashy chick novels.

Maybe one of these days I will get up the nerve to call you or email you and get to see those brown eyes again.

Bridget Jones is my girl.......

Ok I am a total Bridget Jones Diary fan. I love love love the movie. Renee Zellweger in that movie is great. I can relate to her. I have both movies but cannot resist watching when it is on tv. If I am channel surfing and it is on. I am watching. Crazy I know.

But the line in the movie that drives it all home for me is when Colin Firth's character (Marc Darcy) tells her "that he likes her just the way she is." I think about this often. I have come to the conclusion that this is what I want in my life. Someone that "likes me just the way I am."

I see it everyday. Couples that to us on the outside appear to be oddly matched. We wonder what the more attractive partner sees in the less attractive partner. Our perception of this anyway since it does not enter between the two. Unless you think like I do. I use to think this of the ex to be and myself. Not what I saw in him but what he saw in me.

It has taken me along time to be comfortable in my own skin. I am still my own worst critic but who isn't. So now I think to myself will I find that person for me? Whether I am dressed to the tens or just pull on t-shirt pair of jeans with no make up and pull my hair back. Or has that chance passed me by already.

Whether Mr.Darcy shows up or not maybe the person that is meant to "like me" for me is myself.

I dreamed of you again.......

In October it will be a year that you left me. Yes I say me, because I know truth be told I pulled away along time ago. For whatever reason, out what I thought was respect for the new wife or just some sense of stupidity.

It was very vivid dream we were walking talking and laughing. You called me your buddy said you could tell me anything. Are you trying to tell me something now? I am not sure where the big ole car came from in my dream. That was odd.

I miss you more each day and the one thing that kept the feeling that you were here if only in spirit has gone and is now with you. All that is left is your earthly belongings and soon they will be gone too.

It has been awhile since I have dreamed of you. I am happy and sad all at the same time. Your son wants me to be there to help go through things. I am not sure that I can do this. I find comfort just to sit there and think about all the memories. Twenty five years other than immeadiate family is the longest relationship I have ever had.

I am thankful everyday that I was there to hold your hand and tell you that I loved you. You were as close to me as my own mother. I thought of you as mom, but never spoke it for fear of upsetting others. That is the unfortunate thing some of us do, is worry about others needs instead of our own.

Till we meet again in my dreams...missing you.....more everyday.....

Ignorance is bliss.......

Without going into alot of what I do for a living the office I work in also has law enforcement types working there. In the seven years I have worked here I have gotten to know a few of them.

One being my on again off again male friend. Even though he no longer works here and has not for quite sometime his best friend does. The best friend has no idea that we have had any type of realtionship out of the office.

I know, I know you are thinking sure sure. But I am serious and I know this because recently I picked up some extra hours and came in early a couple of days ago and ran into this particular person. He always tells me to stay out of trouble.

So on this particular day as he is exiting the building he says to me "Whats up trouble." To which I reply nothing but do you know where I can get some. With that he comes back around to the window and asked me "What did you say?" I repeated my remark and he started laughing.

He proceeds to tell me that he knows that I have been out and about in the last six months tying one on with a female friend. So we banter back and forth and I assure him that I have not as I had been busy every week from the beginning of the year till early July helping my girlfriend pack and on her way to Boston.

This officer proceeds to tell me that our mutual friend called him. Informed him that he saw me out. To which I responded, "Oh really now?" I said sorry to disappoint. He needs to tell him he was wrong and next time if he is so sure it is me to come over,say hi and buy me a drink.

With that he tells me that he thinks this person and I should get together because "he thinks" we would have a great time. Sure sure I say I am far from his type. You officer guys like tooth pick magazine girls. He busts up laughing and says, "Oh whatever" as he laughs harder.

So tell me Mr. Funnyman why do you think your friend and I would be so good together. He talks about the fact when this person was working here we got along so good. But I tell him that is different it is work place friendship.

I remind him of all the stories he tells me about when he and this guy use to go out before they were married. How all the ladies were falling all over this guy. Who by the way is divorced now. That is why he is trying to hook us up which makes it painfully obvious that he has no clue about the reality of our relationship.

He proceeds to tell me how this person was serverely depressed after his divorce and that he has not dated anyone. How he and his wife had tried to set him up with a friend of hers and he said no.

So now he has it in his mind that he is going to call said friend and tell him that we need to go out. Knowing what I know I tell him you do that. So fellow bloggers lets see where this goes.

If you have read my previous blogs you know that it has been since May that I have spoken to "him." (The officer that is no longer working here) I am really looking forward to see how this all plays out and at what point will the mutual friend learn about the fact we have been having an on again off again friendship for the last two years.

Can you imagine the look on his face? I can! Because he is the type to think he is always in the know. That no one can get anything over on him. Man is he gonna be shocked.

If I didn't have this life.......

What would my life be like? What direction would it have taken. We are in this life because of choices. Shoulda,coulda,woulda. I wonder at times do I question my choices enough or even at all.

I seem at times to be in a forward motion. Watching life go by while I try to maintain status quo. Am I making good choices or just doing what I feel is the right thing to do.

Is my right thing to do right for those that my decisions affect? The "those" I would be referring to would be the minor children in my care. Until recently only included my three children.

My family of four has grown to a family of seven with the addition of my niece and two nephews. It is an eye opening experience for my children to see their cousins in action up close and personal.

They are living proof that you are a product of your enviroment. My choice for them to be with me affects us all. I hope that with this experience it teaches my own children to be tolerant of others. Beyond this thankful for what they have.

I am not saying thankful because I am the best mother life has to offer, but because of the life they have. Which came from choices good or bad that I have made for me, for them, for us.

Second time around.....

Well fellow bloggers it has happened. My sister had to give her children back to the foster care system. It was bound to happen sooner or later. August 10th, 2007 made it a year ago when they were returned to her. Six days after the year anniversary and they are in my care once again.

She could not even tell them that was what was going on. They had been evicted from their home the day my daughter graduated from college. But due to the fact I was busy with a death in the family I did not find out till the next day.

They were staying with the father of her two sons mom and dad. That is when conversations about what was going to happen began to occur. She is always living on some other plane of life than the rest of us. She began to talk about the game plan and how they could stay there as long as they needed. Soon the coversation sounded like blah blah blah in my head.

Tuesday night I get this call from him. (Him)is the father of the boys. He is calling me about some big decision that he has made. Keep in mind the children are wards of the state and my sister is considered the custodial parent upon their release.

So I state I will be out sometime the next day. Bascially it was to see if they return the children to the foster care system will I take care of them. Anyone who knows me will tell you without a doubt the answer is yes.

It amazes still how people have to concoct a story when the truth is enough. Have we not ever heard of the saying "The truth will set you free?" Obviously not. The saving grace I am hoping is that we have a new case worker. Please God let her be better than the last.

So needless to say the children have arrived with not much more than the clothes on their backs and vouchers from the state to get clothing. This is due to the eviction and all their stuff is locked in that apartment with promises from mommy and daddy to retreive it.

Being blessed enough to have friends that do emergency foster care placement till my paperwork can be reenstated I have access to the children and they don't have to be scared of what lies ahead of them. They know they will be taken care of.

Only time will tell where this journey leads......

Looking in the mirror

That is what it is like to see my youngest son. Albeit the man version of me. At thirteen he is more self assurd than I. He has blue eyes that dance with excitement.
You look at him and feel alive even at the darkest of times.

Being the youngest of my three children I at times feel he gets the short end of the deal. His siblings will tell you different. They say he is spoiled and a brat. I tell them he is misunderstood. Which they respond with eyes rolling and walk away.

He stands in between being a young man and a boy. Unlike his brother who seem to quietly pass from his childhood into being a young man he is going kicking and screaming. Evidence of this comes when in the midst of discussion, rather heated I might add. He turns to me and with the most serious look on his face shouts at me "EVER HEARD OF PUBERTY!"

My youngest son is built like a football player. At thirteen he is five six and wears a size ten shoe. He is a force to be reckoned with. But at the heart of his being a gentle giant. You see displays of this when he gets down on the floor to try and sooth one my unhappy daycare children.

Those who know him will tell you he holds nothing back. He will tell his siblings in a heart beat. "I was not talking to you I was talking to mom." His teachers always have good things to say about him and they all agree and wish he would talk more during class discussions. Both my sons possess this trait of not being comfortable in a classroom setting. Not confident enough in their intellectual abilities.

He always seems to have a golden nugget for one or two of his teachers that just reaffirm why they are teachers. When he was in fifth grade the very last day of school. His teacher turned to find him standing there. He reached out and gave her a big hug and told her he loved her and was gonna miss her. Last year his spanish teacher couldn't speak enough on his manners. Always the gentleman holding the door for her without fail everyday.

Through the trails of this summer and God knows there have been many. I have come to the realization that I do not have to look further than my own three children to define my success.

Graduation Day ........Bittersweet

You ever watch one of those movies where the person appears to be floating through the scene. Well that would be a good way to describe the events of yesterday.

My daughter graduated from college yesterday. The very first in our family to receive a degree. So those of you that have kept up with my blog are aware of the events prior to our big day.

Her grandfather is terminally ill and so it has been hard to decide what we are doing on a daily basis verus trying to put together any kind of celebration for such a big life event.

So pretty much last minute plans were we would get together after the ceremony at my house with close friends and family that is here in town. Everyone else would be here with us in spirit.

We spent the week visiting with her grandfather at the hospice house he was staying at. He seemed to lose a little everyday of his battle to live. All close to us were pretty much saying that he would probably pass on her big day. I prayed please God do not let that happen.

Friday comes and he is stil hanging in there. All hope is that he makes till Saturday. Ok ok I am putting my own hopes in this. I am running around like crazy.
Things start off and that is about the end of calm and organization.

From there the morning is fastly spiraling out of control. I go to pick up the balloons I ordered for the party. They are not ready and cannot find the order. Mind you I am supposing to be picking up a cake within the hour.

So after they call for an all hands on deck to get my balloons before I pop like a very loud one I am on my way. Call the cake lady and tell her sorry I am running late but will be there as soon as I can.

So I drop of the balloons by the house. At this point I am now barking instructions as I am going out the door. Reminder to myself next time tell the party girl she is to be getting dressed and not mixed in with the frenzy to get everything ready.

I say this because as I am pullig up to the cake lady's house I get a phone call. It is my sister. She is telling me that my daughter has sliced her finger and that she needs stitches. Are you kidding me is all I could say with a few more explicit words.

She assures me that she is not and I tell her where to take her and call me as soon as they know something. So I get the cake picked up and because it is made with whipped cream and strawberries it has be refridgerated. So I call my sister and ask what is going on and did they explain to the people that is is truly an emergency as she is graduating college today.

Yes yes is the response. I am saddened as I am missing my daughters first stitches in her twenty something years. If nothing I am always mom first an foremost. Five total for her little finger. Only person I know that would have to draw blood just to get a dipolma.

From there my sister rushes her home, we dress her quickly and gather our things and we are out the door. My daughter's best friend has graciously offered to take pictures. So we pose for a few photo ops because it was sweltering outside.

All the rest of us go and get seats. Yeah! We are able to sit right above where they will be walking in. We had fourteen in her cheering section. Her brothers were armed with the canned version of airhorns. Me I am loud enough on my own. I am sure there are a few out there whos hearing has not returned from her high school gradution.

All goes well with lots of cheering and noise making. My newphew ever the force to be reckon with flips his shoe off and drops okay more like throws down into the sea of graduates exiting the civic center. No doubt hits one of them on top of his cap. Lovely Tre I am sure the guy will appreciate the memory.

So we all exit take some more pics and home. I make a breif stop to get some champagne. I as pull in the drive I get the call that grandpa is not doing well. So I let my daughter know. We get into the house and the air which has been going down for a long time is struggling to cool the house.

People start arriving and the second call comes and her grandfather has passed. Off we go her and I to the hospice house. The very thing we all did not want to happen has. We arrived about fifteen minutes after he has passed and there we would remain till late into the night.

Back at my house my friend along with my daughters best friend clean up and put all the food away. They make our apologies and send people on their way with a promise to regroup and try again in the next couple of days. Especially since her father is at the hospice house with fifty pieces of chicken that he was enroute to our house with when he decided he better stop and check on his dad.

In spite of all the obstacles that have laid before you from the very day you were born you have succeeded in being the first to graduate college. With this success you should know that all is possible and life awaits you. In closing my child I love you very much and I am very proud of the young lady you have become.

Circling the drain......

Really people I am trying to keep my head above water. Or at least my brain from slipping into some psychosis. By definition it is sounding better all the time.

I feel like I have such a weight sitting on my chest that is could crush me at any moment. The constant dull headach that never seems to go away. The on swith that drives me is stuck on high during the week. By Friday night I am struggling.

I went Friday night and visited my ex father in law and sure enough he appeared to recognize me. He can speak with slurred speech, but with enough formed words to figure out what he is saying. It is very sad to see this once larger than life man laying there.

Rolling into Saturday I did some things around the house. My desire is limited. Saturday night a chance to escape reality first by voluntering at the local community theatre. I had a really great time. Expanding my horizons tends to be keep people guessing.

While my phone was on mute from the world a girlfriend of mine called. So I returned her call only to end up driving around till the wee hours of the morn. Which was totally fine since we were dealing with her issues of divorce and not mine.

But oh how quickly reality tends to jump back in your face when Sunday morning rolls around. The warrior that threatens to destroy all that I am comes calling for what he hopes to be his foot soldiers. I dread these Sundays. It is very clear he is trying to prove he is a good father.

So today he comes and picks up the boys. He has to make sure that he tells them that he is parked out front in the blue car. That is the calling card to "Heys guys I got a new car." Because for Christ Sake that would not recognize the man sitting in the car at the curb as their father. What kind of crap is that.

The crap is that my thirty days to respond was Friday and I have not hired an attorney to date. So I guess he is confident that things will go his way. In his celebration of himself he bought a car. Psychosis....a mental disorder characterized by symptoms such as, delusions or hallucinations. Is that not what this is? If not does it not sound better than this reality?

and so it goes.......

I thought I would take a few minutes and blog some of my latest happenings. When I say take I mean take. Life is just spinning in several different directions with sadness and blessings.

My ex father in law has knocked at death's door once again this week sending all in a panic only for him to be sitting up the next day and talking. Mind you he has barely uttered a word in the last week. I am thankful in a sense that I think his son has some unfinished business and is quietly grateful for the bouts of lucidy.

The same night we all rush to his beside, a blessing. My sister lives in Minneapolis and is devout traveler of the bridge that collasped. I had stepped out to take a phone call to only walk back in to the his room and all over his 50 inch plasma hdtv is the breaking news. So I am hitting the button on my cell to dial my sister's home phone.

Needless to say it was busy so I try the cell. I reach her and even though she cannot hear me I know she is okay. She hangs up and calls me back. I said I was calling to make sure she and her gf are ok and to call mom. I honestly think she was
in shock.

She had left work just before six. She was headed to the the usual route home but something made her decide she was not in the mood for the traffic and the construction so she took an adjacent route. She said she heard the crash and saw the smoke. But did not realize what had happened till her route home took her closer and she saw it.

So we quitely thank God for this blessing and pray for those who were not so lucky. From there you reevlauate your life and realize it is not so bad. In this enlightenment her partner said to her, so how does working from home now look and I tell her I think that is omen that they should move here. But you can't run away you can only pursue life. In that comes the good and the bad.

I spoke with my mother to make sure that my sister had called her only to hear some not so good news. It is suspected that my mother has a couple of blood clots in her legs with no course of action set in stone yet. My mother found out that same day that her brother has an aggressive bladder cancer. As of today the news regarding this situtation has not gotten any better.

Moving on regarding the weeks ups and downs I have heard from the second real estate person I had out. I would say the news is good since when she walked in and said, first off I can tell you this house even in good shape is not worth 170k. Her professional analysis of the property is that it would go between 110 and 115k.

In my attempt for some escapism from the crisis that is never ending right now I took the daycare children and my son swimming yesterday. I am about sure that he broke his little toe. It is all bruised and very painful for him to move. But over all it was a good time with overdue quality time with him.

I have also rediscovered something I rather enjoyed during my high school years. Low and behold Harlequin has come back into my life. What a truly delightful way to get lost if only for awhile. And so it goes.......

Flip this house.........

Okay so today I had the realtor in. The first of two, the other comes tomorrow. The gal today I really enjoyed. We toured around the house and discussed everything that was going on.

When I told her how much he had valued the house she said and these were her exact words, "Is he smoking crack?" I shook my head in agreement and said I am thinking so.

She loved the changes I had made to the place. She took some notes and then proceeded to take pictures so I would have something for the attorney. The realtor stated she loved what I had down to the bathroom. The kitchen looked great. The living room was acceptable. The retaining walls were also a nice touch as the fire bushes and stones on the side of the house.

As we were walking the yard she turns to me and says. I have to be honest with you. The house is worth what someone is willing to pay for it. Meaning it was a good candidate for flip this house. I busted out laughing and said you are 100% right.

She indicated that it was ashame that I could not keep the house as the monthly payment was good for the size of the house. She was surprised at how much room there was on the inside. I totally agreed with her. I said, I knew right away when we looked at this house I wanted it.

The problem lies in the 2nd mortgage. I am not taking that debt and if giving the house up that needs a new roof,driveway,painted inside and out,heating and air. Those are the high ticket items with lots of small projects that is what I am willing to do to cut all ties.

In parting the realtor from today said she would work the house up as if everything was in good shape and depreciate it from there. That sounded like a plan to me. So come on down realtor number two and tell me what you think.

Grasping for control......

I am still amazed at how people will still try to hang on after the ship is going down. I mean really you started this, it's what you want so badly.

The ex husband to be purchased some desks for our sons. That is all fine and good. I will not deny them anything their father wants to give them. He has always been Disney to them.

This behavior always kicks into high gear when we are in the process of divorce. Same thing this time. First out of the gate are the constant phone calls and then taking the to dinner one night a week. Then buying them things.

The dinner thing only last two weeks and the phone calls come and go. But the week I was served he purchased these desks. Great wonderful good as the youngest one has been asking for one for awhile now.

I am sure you are wonder where the control factor comes in. The desk you see are the ones you have to put together. This is not my speciality in life. So hence they sit in their boxes.

So the ex to be calls today and is inquiring if the desks have been put together yet. The boys tell him no and from there his rant begins. Well if your not going to use them I am going to return them. The money is better sitting in my account than me paying the furniture store.

So with all that goes on in this world his worry is about the desk in the box. Well why the hell didn't you put them together before you brought them over here. Better yet purchased them already assembled.

What a concept. Lest we forget you forgo control and that is what it is all about for you.

As he lay dying....

Anyone reading my blog is aware that my ex father-in-law is dying. He has been in the hospital for over a week now. He collasped and has bleeding in the brain.

My ex husband and I very close friends. I know that can be hard to believe but under certain circumstances it does happen. Last Friday July 20th we were told he probably wouldn't last more than a couple of days.

It is now a week later and he is still hanging in there. He is unable to speak at all now. He is now on a morphine drip and has been catherized. I have mixed emotions about this man. I think of my in-laws as parents of sorts as I have known them since I was 17 years old. Coming from a family that at the time seemed so dysfunctional. It was different be married to someone who's parents have been married forever and remained so till death. She passed away last October.

Now she was a different story. I loved her very deeply. She was like a mother to me. Even after her son and I divorced we kept in contact. I do regret however not spending as much time with her as I would have like. A perfect lesson of letting life get in the way. I also was more concerned with the feelings of others ie ex husbands new wife. When she was dying I was there every moment I could be.

I am grateful to the new wife and that she understood that my relationship with the mother in law was beyond the fact I had been married to her son. I held her hand and talked to her up until almost the very end. Then the ex sister in law arrived and she was there in the final hours. I am ok with that even though up until that point she had not bothered to come and visit during her illness. Okay fine maybe she came once.

But him I am not as close. There is a reason for this. For some number of years now I have known about his infidelities. One of his indiscretions occurred in my home that I shared with his son when we married. Photo proof existed. The how and why of this information came to light is not important. But is a situtation that having knowlege of kind of bonds his son and I. The new wife does not understand the relationship of father and son. Not so sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but it is what it is.

So this is what leads me to my blog of the day. I was suppose to go and visit with my daughter at the hospital last night. Feeling under the weather I did not go. I took my son to work and left the house without my cell phone. I had to make a stop where I ended being longer than I thought so I called home to find that my ex and my daughter had called me. So being concerned something might have happened with the ex father in law I called my daughter.

I ended up speaking with her father who said to me I thought you were suppose to be standing watch. I told him I was still feeling sick and that I would visit on Saturday when I got off work. He said fine and that he would talk to me later.

When my daughter returned home she said she overheard her father telling the nurse that he is the only one to be notified in the event of anything happening with his father. My dauther thought maybe it was her Aunt calling. We chalked it up to her father just wanting to be the one call in the event of the grandfather's death. My daughter went on to tell me her father had stepped out of the room to call me and told his wife he was trying to call his sister.

So today I get a call from my ex. He was calling to tell me that when he his wife arrived at the hospital on Friday. A female was in the room dressed in the sterile gown and everything holding his father's hand, tears streaming down her face. He had seen a piece of paper with this persons name and phone number on it at the nurses desk. Low and behold it was the female that the indiscretion had occurred with in out home all those years ago. She has asked the wife and the nurses to let her know if anything happens to him or if he moved so she can continue to visit with him.

Of course now I am reeling with did you throw her out, say anything to her. Because as I live and breathe God knows they would have been calling security. We are not sure how she knew where he was other than not being able to reach him at home or on his cell she just started calling the hospitals.

The wife is telling him that he is dying and to just let it be. I don't agree but also have more knowledge of the relationship of father and son. So he finally snapped and told her that he did not say or give any kind of opinion when her own father put the family through being an alcholic. Or when he died because of it. That she does not understand and he does not ever what her to talk to him about anything again regarding his father and the whores.

I really have to agree with the ex on this one. But by the same token it is not her fault that he has chosen not to share this with her. I suggested that the visitation be close to family only. But my ex does not want to keep his friends from visiting. He feels that keep phone notification to just him will help restrict the flow of information. Talk about having to deal with the sins of the father.

Stupid question of the day....

Stupidest question of the day, "So can you tell me why the account is behind?" Well let me see...."LIFE MOTHER FUCKER! What else? No I just find pleasure in screwing you out of your $15.00 a month payment. WoooHoooo I can so party with that.

Because more than screwing you out of your payment I enjoyed the endless pentalites and fees your are going to slap on my account because I missed the payment. I love your arrogant attitude that you are superior. God knows that this would never happen to you. After all you live in perfectville.

Your second stupid question was, "Do you have a work number we can contact you at?" Oh yes because while my life in going down in flames let's just have my business scroll across the ticker at work. As far as you need to know I am homeless and unemployed. The cell phone you have contacted me on is the house phone in the cardboard box in which I am raising my three children.

Now granted I will take my share of responsibilty with this. After all I was the dumbass who was reeled in by your oh so hard to resist credit offer. Guess what ass wipe if it was not for people like me people like you would not have a job. It kills me how you act like I am the worst cardholder you have. Miss one payment and the heavens open up and fire and brimestoe rain down.

I will pray for you tonight and it will go something like this. Now I lay me down to sleep. Please Lord let me be present when the jackass that called me today has to deal with someone like them when their life is overcome by events. Give me grace enough to extend my hand and offer to share my cardboard box with them. Lord I also am using the word jackass in the biblical sense. Amen

Time out already......

I am thinking that at some point it should get better. Let's recap...my life in the last two weeks.

My friend lost her babies,received divorce papers same day. Finally finished and got my other friend on her way to Boston, ex-father in law collaspes and is now in the hospital with brain bleeding and is not expected to make it.

So today being Monday and praying for a little relief why should I be surprised that the power would go out. Not only go out but do it right when I am trying to get ready for work. If God is trying to send me a message about the house I have gotten it loud and clear.

In speaking with my friend that lost the babies, she said I will tell you like my therapist told me. You are entitled to as many pms days as you feel like. She went on to say when the therapist told her this, she responded that her husband might not appreciate any extra pms days. The therapist said pms stands for poor me syndrome.

I laughed and said ok who is comforting who here. She replied that we would comfort each other. The reality of any given situation is life goes on and you just have to make the best of it. But right now I feel like I am in a football game trying to defend my goal and I can get up for getting knocked back down.

I continue ......

Well one would think that things would be winding down after the last two weeks that I have had. I spent Tuesday night after my wonderful day at the pool trying to finish up packing. My friend was scheduled to leave for Boston on Wednesday night.

We worked from six that night till two thirty in the morning. I returned Wednesday night before I went to work and we worked all afternoon. I left my sister to help finish up. Get the keys for me and see my friend off. I assured my friend I would clean the apartment and turn in the keys.

Earlier that Wednesday morning we had discovered my daughter's grandfather had fallen. An ambulance was called. He ended up in the hospital. Thursday I had a full house of daycare children. I got my son off to work and then headed to the apartment with some assistance to clear out some things my friend had left for me. That was all I had time to do and ended up being late for work. I hoped Friday that I would get an early start and could just hang out when all was done.

Friday morning comes and of course it was not the early start I had hoped for. I took the only daycare child I had and ran some errands. Filled up my truck and headed home. I received a call from my first husband who had received a call from the hospital and indicated that his father had taken a turn for the worse. He needed me to let our daughter know. If we wanted to visit with him we needed to come to the hospital.

It turns out that a small brain bleed that showed up on the CAT scan on Wednesday is getting worse. Some decisions had to be made and my ex has power of attorney. I could tell that he was struggling. His sister lives out of state and his wife was out of town as well. So I told my daughter what is going on. She went and finished her errands and went directly to the hospital.

I on the other hand had to go and clean the apartment as keys had to be turned in by that night. So I took my sons and off we went. Now keep in mind I love my friend dearly. Yes I will admit to being a clean freak. But Lord help me. It took four and half hours to clean a one bedroom apartment. Due to the self cleaning oven not being done when I left I kept one door key and the gate opener. I turned in the paper work and all other keys. I informed the management office things would be finished and the keys turned in by the appropriate time.

So off the the hospital I go. According to the doctors he will continue to get worse but if the family wanted they could continue current medical protocol. Or stop all heroic measures. He already has a dnr directive. So the decision has been made and now we wait. He appears to be losing speech, but then will have a limited conversation. Fades in and out and appears at times not to recognize you.

I continue to move forward as there is not time to look back. I am sad about his impending passing. My heart breaks for the decisions that have to be made by my first husband. I can only let him know that I am there for him. He has to trust himself. He is living the experience and I am on the outside looking in.

Eye Candy does the heart good......

Sometimes the clouds do open up and God smiles upon you. Yesterday I decided to say what the hell and leave all of Monday's greif on the back burner.

My friend recently moved to an apartment complexes and since I do the child care for her children she bestowed upon me a key to the pool. The management was advised of who I was and that I would be bringing the children to swim.

Now let me asure you I am no babe in a bikini. Far from it but you know it was my I don't give two shits day and it was 105 degrees in the shade. So I gather up the children and some refreshments and headed to the pool.

After some quick introduction we hit the pool. We were the only people there for quite sometime. As the afternoon wore on others began to arrive. Two ladies clad in bikinis and their children. Fun was being had by all.

Then a man not my age but not so young I should go to jail for what I was thinking arrived with four children following close behind. Very nice shirtless body with the bermuda type swim trunks. Sun lover as he was nice and tanned. Blonde hair I can only guess at his eye color as I was not that close. His children quickly joined the others in the pool.

I had already gotten out of the pool by then and had settled on the opposite side of the pool after pulling on a t-shirt over my swimsuit. I had my lounge half in the sun and half in the shade. I just wanted to continue to sun my legs but, you when you have freckles you only get more freckles.

Of course the bikini clad gals decided they needed to jump into the pool. I guess they thought they would be eye candy for him. But he was obviously studying a book he had brought with him and had ear buds listening to his ipod.

He would glance up to check his children which were two boys and two girls playing and laughing in the pool. At one point there was an issue between one of the boys and one of the girls. He got up and in one fail swoop picked the boy up out of the water. My my my what beautiful biceps. I applaud you quietly.

Little man was in time out next to dad. Things soon wrapped up at the pool but it was a nice break from the events of the last week and Monday. It felt freeing to just let things go and not worry what others think of me. (referencing bathsuit in public) It was a beautiful Tuesday afternoon and if man is made in God's image then I am doom to hell. Because there was lust in my heart.

****Second eye candy sighting in two days heaven help me. We had an early morning scare with my daughter's grandfather. That ended up in a rescue squad being called. He is now in he hospital for observation. But I must comment on the young paramedic that was part of the response team. Tall dark hair great eyes. Very good at his job too I might add. I wonder if one can make a reservation for which paramedic responds in your hour of need? I know I know keep on dreamin...

I picked the wrong profession......

Here goes as if my day couldn't suck any worse. Met with the attorney today and he was very straight forward. If I give him a $1,0000. up front and $175.00 and hour is his price he can fix this whole thing for me.

According to the attorney my best case scenario is put the house up for sale as is asap. I will probably have to take some the debt the thorn has accrued. I will get some money if he can prove I was married to the thorn at least 10yrs of his military career. But it will cost me alot of money to get out with this in the very least because the thorn has done a very good job of hiding things. The attorney states it will take alot to untangle this web.

I guess I was in a different meeting because I very clearly told the attorney I have no money. The thorn refinanced and pocketed money, not me. There is no equity in the house. I am listening to a different news station. It is a buyers market not a sellers. Did we forget it needs a new roof, driveway,deck (because the other rotten one was ripped out),heating and air because the old one was tagged unfixable,paint inside and out and the basement takes in water with every good storm.

Why didn't I go to school to be an attorney. Oh I know because I didn't plan very well. That has been my whole problem all along. Doing the right thing. Make sure everyone else's needs are met. Here I am dog paddling up to my neck in shit and do not see a way out. A friend offered me to come live in her basement if it works out for her to get this townhome. I would not do that to my children. The worse case scenario for them is ending up living with their dad because I can't even afford the attorney to fight him. Which is what he was banking on.

They attorney can say put the house on the market. It is not his home or the only one he has known as in the case of my youngest son. Who I am sure will be okay with whatever happens as all the children will be. I have done this 3 times already and I am tired of losing a never ending battle. Brief interjection here for those with their mouths hanging open with the fact of three times. The thorn always retreats and turns on the charm when things are not looking so good for him. Me, not wanting to be the bad guy takes it up the ass to keep the peace. I guess I only have 60 days of doing nothing to find out how much less I am gonna have.

P.S. To my divorce gf parking our suv's under a bridge end to end and calling it a single wide is looking pretty damn good.

If it was not enough.......

Well folks when it rains it pours. I did not mention this in my previous post because they were about my friend and her very very very sad loss. In addition to dealing with this tremdous grief we all felt. The ever present thorn in my side served me with divorce papers. Should have know when he was playing twenty questions about money and the fact he refinanced the house and pocketed a nice little sum of money.

An attempt to serve me came last Monday while I was at the hospital with my friend. So I called the guy and said, Hey I am not trying to hide from you or anything but I have something more important going on. So call me in the morning and let's get this over with as I know what they are. Unless of course you are going to tell me someone else is looking for me. The guy responded, surprised I knew what they were. I told the process server oh yes, the thorn was considerate enough to send me an email regarding the papers. He of course had to laugh at that one.

So bright and early the process server and I met. He told me that I was spoiling him by waiting outside for him. My reply that this was my childrens home and they were sleeping and I did not want them woke up from his early call. Very nice gentleman we ended up speaking for several minutes and he said he was sorry to hear about my friend and that to make sure I hire a very good attorney.

If I could count how many times I have heard that. Sad truth of that matter is they cost too much money. God knows I don't have a money tree growing in my backyard unless I missed it. Truth be known this is not the first time in the six or seven years we have been separated that we have filed. That is another blog for another day. I do not have my doubts it will be finished this time. The bigger question at what cost. The thorn does not like to lose and even worse be told what to do.

I know this if nothing else about him. I have endured many years of manipulation by this man and given a great deal from possessions to my own soul being chisled away little by little. It is only in these last years of being separated that I have managed to regain some sense of myself. But I will be the first to admit that I am not so far removed from his manipulation.

There is a pattern that I have noticed in things that happen where he is concerned. Anytime that I appear to be having a life of my own he acts out in some form and this must be the latest of acting out. The old I don't want you but I don't want you to be with anyone else or happy on any level. I had a friend tell me this is war and kill or be killed as he will not have mercy on you. So get in that mind set. Time will tell if I am equipped mentally and physically ready for this.

God Bless the Little Babies

I am still trying to figure out if Tuesday July 10th or Friday 13th was the worst day of my life that I have I had in a long time. My dearest friend had to go through the ordeal of losing her babies and then had to labor and delivery them only to plan a funeral.

She is an AMAZING woman. As much as she was grieving she opened her heart and shared this very personl time with a select few. I can honestly say I don't think I would have handled it with as much grace and courage as she has shown this week. I spent Monday and Tuesday with her. Tuesday we were allowed in after the babies were born.

The hospital where they were born have an amazing staff of people to deal with the loss of a baby and in her case babies. We were allowed to hold the babies and share in her sorrow. A group of photographers called "Now I lay me down to sleep" volunteers their time and services to take pictures of the babies and the family with the babies so they have a cherished memory.

I was grateful to find out that the photographer was a friend. It made it all the more special. It is something to experience. She cradled the babies together. Ezekeil was laying in Malachy's arms and placed their hands together. It appeared as if they were sleeping in each others arms. This is how I will picture them in heaven.

The father of the babies is from Africa and he has several family members living here as well. They came to the hospital and brought rosaries and tiny prints of the Virgin Mary and the Saints. The rosaries were placed on the babies wrists and one of the female family memebers sang.

Another group of women take donated wedding dresses and make outfits for babies that are still born. I remember seeing a news report on this very act of kindess sometime ago. My friends picked out two little silk white suits for them to be buried in. After all this on Tuesday she was released from the hosptial. It had to be the hardest thing she has ever done. Leave the hospital empty handed and heart must of felt like a brick in her chest.

There was a memorial service on Thursday night and then a funeral mass on Friday. My own children join me in supporting our close family friend. All of us shed alot of tears this day. Heaven now has two more beautiful angels who will watch over their mommy till she meets them again one day.

Life is Cruel

Today I woke to some very sad news. I for the life of me will never understand how a loving and forgiving GOD can be so cruel. I received a call yesterday from a girlfriend, truth be told someone who is closer like a sister. She was calling to tell me she was in the hospital due to some complications with her babies.

We found out she was pregnant with twins in the very early stages. Babies were due in September but expected to come in August. I spoke with her twice yesterday and I could tell she was nervous but seemed to find comfort that she was in the hospital and the latest was that they would take the babies on Tuesday or Wednesday.

She has only been married just over a year and was very excited to be adding to her already growing family. She has a biological daughter, two daughters she has adopted and a step son. They would be a modern day "Brady Bunch" as the twins are boys. Malachy and Ezekiel are their names.

At this point I don't know what happened but sometime during the night or the early hours of this morning she lost both babies. I cannot imagine anything more cruel than this for a woman to experience. My heart breaks for her. I am sure she is questioning GOD and I pray he gives her and her husband the strength to make it through.

Escapism Has Escaped Me.....

Today I was watching a movie. "You Got Mail" to be exact. It is one of my favorite among a sea of many. As I watched the movie I tried to think back to a time that would mold my idea of love, marriage, family.

I don't come from a Ward and June Cleaver family. My mother has been married three times. I can't remember much if anything of her marriage to my father. The second marriage was to a monster. Her third is probably the marriage she wished had been her one and only.

So where do I get this idea about love and how it should be. God knows my own track record has not been all that great. I have discovered within my own being I am in love with being in love. The dating getting to know one another, flirting talking hours on end and the real or imagined great sex in the early stages of a relationship.

Where did the notion of the knight in shining armour coming and sweeping you off your feet, protect you and provide you with life's comforts come from. It cannot be a southern upbringing due to being a service brat.

Maybe the fact that at some point early in my life I used movies to escape the reality of my daily life. Or the fact society condidtions us. Combination of the two perhaps.

So today as I watched the movie that I could usually find some solace for even a short time I found to be very painful. I look forward to a time when I can find relief in something I find comforting even if only for a couple of hours.

Decent into Purgatory

I am sure we all have those people in our lives that just the mention of their name sends into some kind of panic.

For me it would be my second husband. We have been separated for the last seven years. Believe me the divorce is impending. The dissolution has not taken place for numerous reasons, but not due to the lack of trying

I am beginning to think that the reason I cannot seem to form cognitive thought when issues arise involving him is that he has replaced the monster in my dreams. There are is abuse on a level different from the monster but just as devasting.

We have been married 17-18 years and I am tired. Too tired to fight. For me to be free and take back what he as taken will be the ultimate fight. He is so deep in my mind. I cannot remember when he began to exist and the me began to fade away.

The purgatory in which I live is numbing to say the least. I am constantly second guessing myself. To the point that at times I begin to believe that which he has embedded within to be true.

The latest of his mind games was he wanted to settle without attornies and when I balked he was pissed. So now he has sent me an email letting me know that he has retained an attorney. Yes I said an email as he cannot tell me to my face. I am dancing as fast as I can.

Last night as I drove down a dark road I found it to be oddly comforting. I wonder if it is a sign that there will be peace and comfort only when all is dark.

Meditations*****For Women Who Do Too Much*****

This is something I came across recently while helping a friend with some spring cleaning. I hope you that are like me find some food for thought.

What I am looking for is not "out there" It is me.

Solitude is not a luxury. It is a right and a necessity.

It is sometimes frightening to trust my intuition.
It is always disastrous not to trust it.

Knowing when to quit may be my greatest victory.

It is not possible to live a rich, full life without friends.
I have to be one to have one.

Sometimes we just think too much!

No one else will arrange any quiet time for me.
I will have to see to it myself.

When we see how funny we are,
we see how dear we are.

By..Anne Wilson Schaef

Feelings too passionate.....

To feel things so intensely it hurts. This is an everyday thing for me. Happy or sad. Why are some of us wired to feel so deeply?

I really wish sometimes that I could just not feel. Then maybe I could think clearer. When things happen and emotion spins out of control you go numb. Do you laugh or do you cry.

I am beginning to think that this is why I cannot get control of my life. There is no happy medium. You feel every emotion to the core of your very being. It is one of the driving forces that tend to make me keep to myself. Why invite people to the madness.

On the rare occasion you feel grounded something happens. The carpet is pulled right out from under you. You are on your ass again. It is much better to suffer through this alone. This we all know is not a logical thought. But if I can't stand me why should anyone else.

Nurture Nurture Nurture the nature of the beast

Being a cancer, moon child born in the year of the tiger I tend to believe in astrology. We are very emotionally driven and a nurturer. We will nurture even if it kills us and we know we are not getting anywhere. We are project seeking martyrs who want to take care of everyone elses needs but our own.

I will be the first to admit that I use to be the Queen of this. I would say in the last couple of years though I have been trying to be more mindful of my needs and limitation before diving head first into the next project. Living within my own expectation instead of others.

There has only been one situation that I have not put the appropriate perspective on with personal boundaries. That would be the fact the even though I have been separated from this man for seven years he comes to the house and visits with the children.

I will paint the picture a little clearer. He has a key and can come and go as he pleases. I don't have anything to hide so I am not concerned that he would be snooping or anything like that. Plus the children are not babies and have no problem telling you anything that they don't feel is right. Plus they quit going with him when I no longer worked weekends which was a few years ago.

Don't get me wrong they will leave and spend time with him but want to know when he is bringing them back home. So my intent with this arrangement of him being able to come and go as he pleases was to NURTURE the relationship between him and the children.

His presense would teach them that although they need not agree with him all the time he is their father and they should respect that fact. If I have done my job
they would also be sure to remember him on his birthday, father's day and any other special occasion that should include your father.

Today it bit me in the ASS. Previous blog indicates what is currently going on in my life. After seven years of separation we are now in a big hurry for a divorce. So in theory since I don't have access to the place he calls home then in the land of divorce he should not have access to mine.

So today he kept pushing issues. So I told him that we could start with a parenting plan that had been implemented previously and if he wants to see the children he needs to pick them up and visit with them at his house.

Talk about feeling like you just threw someone off the cliff. We won't go into what his reaction was other than to say he did not take it very well. Moral of my little story is that in as much you think you are making the best of bad situation don't delay the inveitable by giving up your personal boundaries.

Subject line DIVORCE

Today I feel like screaming. I swear to GOD. For today God will have to be a woman. Because today in as much as I love and adore the opposite sex. I could careless if one ever takes space or breathes air in my personal bubble.

What possessed me to check my email anyway? It is never ceases to amaze me where people are concerned. Subject: DIVORCE from none other than you guessed it. You don't have the balls to say it to my face and the have gigantic ones to talk about resolving this in a peaceful manner via email.

Your idea of a peaceful manner is using the same attorney and terms of which are liveable for you. Let see the house. If it qualifies as being called a house. It is financed to the hilt and amazing enough has been refinanced once again with only you reaping the benefits.

You and I both know that by law if I take the house I have to take the debt. What kind of bullshit is that. My name is not even on the second. Divorce always favors the man. Do not get me wrong. I love my children with every fiber of my being and would never choose anyone or anything over them.

When it comes to divorce a woman has to take whatever the courts deams her worthy of having. You are left to be the responsible and have to live the example for your children. Believe me I know. I will tell at this time mine don't take in consideration the lengths I go to for them and maybe never will. All they remember is how crabby I was because of this or that or the time I did not fulfill their idea of need. (In reality a want.)

Dad however is a GOD and DISNEY LAND all rolled into one. If that is what works for them. One day they will parents if they so choose. We will see how that all falls out.

I think it sucks that you have to pay an arm and a leg just to get out of situation that all involved agree that it is not working. Believe me I have done my time. But I a sick to death of someone else (attorney's) living in my house and driving my mercedes.


It will be peaceful but I am sure not by your standards as I am not going suck it up in a divorce as I have in this marriage.

Omen.....

I saw him again. Mr. Sweet revenge. Today I went to the grocery store with my daycare kids. So needless to say I was not looking my best. You know unlike on Sunday when I had the cute factor going on.

We were checking out. I noticed this this man from the back. He was leaning on a counter top talking to young boy. As I walked by I looked out of the corner of my eye. Low and behold it was him. He is employed with an agency that works with youths that are in the system.

I just kept walking as if I did not see him. Never fails you always run into someone when you are at your least presentable. So as the children are getting in the car and I am putting the groceries in. Who should walk out of the store. Yes, Mr. Sweet revenge. Looking right at me.

He must have told the boy he was with he needed to go to his car for something I don't know. But he was smiling my direction and waved and nodded to let me know that he had seen me. I waved back and smiled.

My birthday is coming up ....just maybe one never knows I might see that smile again soon.

Revenge can be sweet........

It happened last November but I must tell you what led up to this night of sweet revenge.

During the first few years in our home we had some neighbor problems. Long story but basically we had some issues. I watched the boy across the street grow to be a very handsome young man. (Hint his mom is the neighbor that had issues with me)

So after awhile the issues seem to go away and all was calm in suburbia. The family across the street eventually moved away last fall. The young man had left home after gradauting high school but visited his family every now and then. He went off to college did an intership and now was living in working in town.

My girlfriend and I had always talked about how nice looking of a young man he had become. On visits to his family he would be mowing or jogging often without a shirt on. On more than one occasion my girlfriend and I joked about if given the opportunity (meaning to get with him) we would have take it under serious consideration. At the very least kiss those lucious lips of his.

I had seen him other times in the bar but ususally I was with the father of my children. One particular time we were out with a girlfriend celebrating her birthday. The young man from across the street was there at the bar. He tried to engage in conversation with me but was brushed aside by previously mentioned father of my children.

Some time had gone by since that chance encounter. That Saturday in November started out uneventful enough. We were having a bridal shower for my girlfriend to be followed by a night out with the girls to celebrate her impending nuptials.

A bus had been rented and rides had been arranged for after the bar so no one had to worry about drinking and driving. We hit three bars that night and had plenty of spirits on the bus as well.

So you can imagine by the time we hit the third bar I was pretty toasted. What a pleasant surprise to walk in and see the young man from across street there. My girlfriend and I stopped and talked to him. When we went to walk away he grabbed my hand and asked me to stay and talk with him.

Knowing glances were exchanged between my girlfriend a I. I stayed and talked with him. He spoke about how someone had brushed him aside last time he tried to talk to me. That was not a worry on this night as I was out with the girls. We danced we drank and had a great time.

We all know boys will be boys and tell you what they think you want to hear. He proceeded to tell me how he had always been attracted to me. My head is going yeah yeah sure sure. So I respond telling him his mother and his grandmother both would kill me for having such a conversation with him. He said that he is a grown does not live at home and does what he wants.

Being under the influence of alchol made it all the easier when he asked me to step outside with him. Lets just say he did not get to home base. But instead, lets say it worth putting up with his mothers crap all those years.

Playing with fire....

I am not speaking in the literal sense of playing with fire. Although the flicker and the glow of the reddish orange flame is very inviting. You watch it dance and flicker especially if it is againist the blackness of night. It grows bigger and bigger and takes on a life all its own.

One gets the same feeling when they want and desire for something. When you first meet someone. The intensity is much more when it is something or someone that seems unattainable.

When this happens we come to a cross road. Is this burning in our belly worth what we could loose. Is what we desire better than what we have in our lives now. So much of the time the answer to that question is no.

But if only for awhile before the fire gets to hot it is nice to stand at the edge and feel the heat of the flame.

Music in my head.....

Until The End of Time Lyrics

Listen
Woke up this morning
Heard the TV sayin' something
'Bout disaster in the world and
It made me wonder where I'm going
There's so much darkness in the world
But I see beauty left in you girl
And what you give me let's me know
That I'll be alright

'cause if your love was all I had
In this life
Well that would be enough
Until the end of time
So rest your weary heart
And relax your mind
Cause I'm gonna love you girl
Until the end of time

You've got me singing
Oh whoa, yeah
Oh whoa, yeah
Everybody sing
Oh whoa, yeah
Everybody singing
Oh whoa yeah

Now if you're ever wondering
About the way I'm feeling
Well baby girl there ain't no question
Just to be around you is a blessing
Sick and tired of trying to save the world
I just want to spend my time with you girl
And what you're giving me
Let's me know that we'll be alright.

'cause if your love was all I had
In this life
Well that would be enough
Until the end of time
So rest your weary heart
And relax your mind
Cause I'm gonna love you girl
Until the end of time

You've got me singing
Oh whoa, yeah
Oh whoa, yeah
Everybody sing
Oh whoa, yeah
Everybody singing
Oh whoa yeah

This one's for the lovers
If you're out there let me hear you say
Yeah, yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
This one's for the lovers
If you're out there let me hear you say
Yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah)
This one's for the lovers
If you're out there let me hear you say
Yeah, yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
This one's for the lovers
If you're out there let me hear you say
Yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah)

Oh whoa yeah
Oh whoa yeah
Oh whoa yeah
Oh whoa yeah

'cause if your love was all I had
In this life
That would be enough
Until the end of time

Father's Day.....more like chinese torture

Needless to say this has never been a favorite day to have to do something for someone that you just don't feel it for. But I will bite it and be thankful for the things he does do. But here in this venue I will voice how I truly feel.

As usual it is putting up with his attitude. Could tell it would be tense from the get go. Called him on the phone and he was like I am hungry now. Mind you it is 9:30am and the boys are still asleep. Why because they felt it more important to stay up till the wee hours. So I said will an hour be too long? Do you want us to pick you up or what. He stated he would head our way in an hour. So finally everyone is ready within the hour. An hour and half later I am calling him and shock shock he is still at home.

So he gets there doesn't come in but goes down the street to a neighbors house. Which is a whole other blog for another day. So I tell the kids he is here lets go and to get in the car. So he comes walking up the street and off we go.

Once again we are going to the place where he djs on Thursdays. All about show blah blah blah blah. That truly is what it sounds like when he talks to me anymore. Adult ADHD kicks into full gear and I want to run screaming in the opposite direction.

So naturally he has to make sure everyone there knows he has arrived and if he sees someone he is not familiar with he has to introduce himself. Oh and let them know he is there on Thursdays. So needless to say "Thank you Jesus" we only have to do this once a year.

So during coversation it was strained and he always tries to be such an ass, well guess what stop trying cause you are. So when he would say something to try and get under my skin. I would respond no biggie or just did what you requested.

Today though I am sure I took it to a whole new level when I boldly announced that he did not need to feel any obligation to my birthday as it is on a Saturday and I am sure that he has other plans. So he popped back he did not feel obligated and I said whatever. But like I said I am on my own this year. I didn't want to have to plan my birthday around anything he may have going on.

So his final attempt to get under my skin as we are leaving the restaurant he asks the hostess so how late are we open tonight. "WE" I am sure the owner would like some help with the bills in that case. She said 9:30pm and he said I will see you later as me and some friends are coming by.

So we go home and do the gift card thing and as soon as we are done with that he jets. I am relieved the whole thing is over. I am sure that many of you wonder why I would even continue if I find it so very very painful.

The bottom line is I want my children to do the right thing. They are his children and he does right by them. So if I am expected. I will be there and have bells on if necessary. Just so my children have one more thing in their lives that I did not. A father that loves them though at times has an odd way of showing it.

Wedding, religious verse and SEX.....

On Friday a co-worker of mine got married. It was at 11am in the morning. A Catholic wedding. He only invited a few of us from the office since they were only having family and close friends. This particular co-worker I consider a friend and have gotten to know him pretty well in the 3yrs we have been working together.

He is the epitome of a what I consider to be a gentleman. His parents I am sure are very proud of him. He has looks, education, very well mannered,sense of humor and a temper when one is needed. Believe me I could go on with all the reason I really like who is as a person. So I am sure that he will be able to appreciate the humor of my experience during his wedding.

For anyone not familiar with the Catholic church they do alot of getting up and down and kneeling. When the priest receits scripture they respond in kind. Also during a Catholic wedding they take communion and during this they kneel.

Since I was a friend of the groom I sat on his side. All four of us from the job (all ladies) sat together. Sitting behind us was a whole roll of the groom's friends. I could tell by response and non response those who were practicing Catholics. The two young gentlemen seated behind me were definitely practicing.

So communion time came and the priest said to kneel or sit. So not being a practicing Catholic I sit down on the pew. Not thinking the next thing I hear in my ears is the two young men seated behind me receiting religious verse. Since it was like they were talking in my ears. Yes, you guessed it they were kneeling.

Can I tell you what a freaking turn on that was. Especially the young man on my left shoulder. He had a voice that mmmm just make you melt. Do you think that I moved at all forward knowing how close they were? Oh hell no, I just closed my eyes and took it all in. Sex and religion. What a combination. It was very hard for me to pray for the blessing of the marriage and the bride and grooms future when I needed to be praying for forgiveness for my thoughts.

Do you think God has a sense of humor and could have possibly have been thinking whatever gets them in the pews? If not Father forgive me because I have sinned.

Craving but not for food......

Every now and then this feeling comes. It is hard to explain. It is like having a craving for something and you don't know what it is you want to eat. But it has nothing to do with food at all. It is a very empty feeling. Deep down in your soul. Painful at times. What drives this feeling of incompleteness.

I have a very full life. Three beautiful children. A few close friends. A great although at times very dysfunctional family. But at the very core a good family. I work hard and make my money honestly. Have a home that as anyone that has a home will tell you is a work in progress. So what is the longing?

I was told tonight that I look sad. My response was that I feel distracted or maybe out of sorts is more accurate. Twice in the last two weeks I have been told I have a very depressing voice mail message. Which truth be told, I called it today and it just sounded standard. After all I do use it for business purposes so it is appropriate.

I am feeling anxious and I have not felt that in a long time. On the edge of anxiety attack? Change is in the wind and maybe it is weighing in the back of my mind. It has been an unusually busy week leading into a busy weekend.

Tale tale signs of distraction. Yesterday I fell asleep with a candle burning. Tonight I am sitting here at work and mind you it is almost midnight and the sprinkler is still running the backyard. Good thing someone is still up since I don't get off work till three in the morning.

My mind is wandering alot too. I am constantly thinking of me time, down time, calgon take me away time. Staying longer than I should in shower and late alot for my night job. Which I love it is a cake job.

The universe it telling me something and in time I am sure I will know what it is....

The System.....

Even though school has been out here for almost two weeks. Today summer craziness started. I have the daycare regulars and this summer I have started something different. I am now taking children for daycare that are in the foster care system.

For anyone who has not read any of my past blogs. I will refresh your memory. I don't have much faith in the foster care system. Due in large part to my own personal experience with them. I wish someone would grow some balls within the system and say "Hey" what we are doing is not working. They should be working for the victims and not the worthless pieces of shit excuse for parents.

Do not get me wrong there are some that simply are struggling and need help. But the vast majority of children in the system are because their parents just shouldn't be parents to any living thing. The system is set up to keep the family together no matter what the cost. In my opinion the cost it to high if the child is the price to be paid.

The flip side of this coin is that there are people in the foster care business simply for the money. Then there are those that would walk through fire to help a child. My hat off to them. I would consider myself one of those people. I have said jokingly in the past that I would much rather spend my day with children and that is why I do daycare.

Truth is children are more open and honest than most adults and they truly appreciate someone being there for them that actually cares. I have yet to understand how adults can prey on children. It is hard to believe that children so young can be labeled as sexual predators, phyical abusers. I know some of you are thinking that this happens becasue that is how the parent was treated.

It is a choice no matter how hard it is a choice and you as an adult can stop the cycle. Make a better choice. If you know this about your self and cannot change then stay the hell away from children. Give them a fighting chance. God knows I am far from perfect as a parent.

All I can continue to do is teach my cildren and those I encounter in this life that it is not okay for someone just because they are an adult to hurt you. It is okay to tell and keep telling till someone listens.