Death of a Meerkat

The things we bond with our children over. I am sure there are many other mothers in my same predicament. Meerkat Manor is a show that my youngest son and I have watched together on seveal occasions.

He has been watching since the show started in 2000 and the the "Queen of the Kalahari" was born, affectionately known as "Flower." For those not familiar it is a reality show on Animal Planet.

My son seemed a little more somber than ususal on Saturday. Could quite put my finger on what was going on with him. He and his brother had visit with their dad. Came home and just kinda of kept to himself.

His cousins with the exception of the youngest was outside and big brother and big sis were working. As I sat in my chair half watching my nephew and surfing the computer. My son was on the house computer behind me.

He asked me to turn and look at the screen,where he had pulled a web page. The page was a tribute to "Flower." She had died in the epsidode that aired on Friday. Talk about feeling like you have just lost the family pet.

My son was devasted. My heartbroke for him. We cried off and on Saturday night. I was even sadder that he had watched the Friday show without me. His wish was to find some way to give a fitting tribute to her. As I listened to him talk the beauty of his soul was revealed. In typical fashion of my son he decided to name a "World of Warcraft" character for her.

I asked if he would still continue to watch the show. He doesn't know if he will. He felt the show could have done something to help her. I had to explain that when filming is done in the wild they have a policy. The policy is not to disturb the natural balance of things.

This is truly one of the priceless parenting moments to know he felt comfortable to share his sorrow with me.

My brown eyed boy.......

I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. We met when we were both still young and naive. It was our senior year in high school and I had transferred to your school. You were in my homeroom, but I would not know that till much later.

Your mom would be the one to introduce us formally. I saw you that day when a car came barreling down our normally quite street dragging a man. All the neighbors came running. You with your blonde hair and brown eyes. I thought you were the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.

After all the commotion I was talking to my neighbor and another woman about what had happened and about the very cute blonde hair guy. The lady started to laugh and proclaimed that is my son you are talking about. I could have died right then and there. About that time you rounded the corner in your dune buggy.

Your mom waived you over and introduced us. Of course being of fair complexion I am sure that you thought something was wrong we me. I was bright red. When you smiled at me so did your eyes. That night you took me for a dune buggy ride. I would not believe anyone if they would have foretold of that summer.

A love affair that would carry on for several years after. Whether it was through letters, phone calls and the occasional face to face meeting. It amazes me how I remember the details so vividly like it was yesterday. Maybe I should put pen to paper and share the intimate details in one of those trashy chick novels.

Maybe one of these days I will get up the nerve to call you or email you and get to see those brown eyes again.

Bridget Jones is my girl.......

Ok I am a total Bridget Jones Diary fan. I love love love the movie. Renee Zellweger in that movie is great. I can relate to her. I have both movies but cannot resist watching when it is on tv. If I am channel surfing and it is on. I am watching. Crazy I know.

But the line in the movie that drives it all home for me is when Colin Firth's character (Marc Darcy) tells her "that he likes her just the way she is." I think about this often. I have come to the conclusion that this is what I want in my life. Someone that "likes me just the way I am."

I see it everyday. Couples that to us on the outside appear to be oddly matched. We wonder what the more attractive partner sees in the less attractive partner. Our perception of this anyway since it does not enter between the two. Unless you think like I do. I use to think this of the ex to be and myself. Not what I saw in him but what he saw in me.

It has taken me along time to be comfortable in my own skin. I am still my own worst critic but who isn't. So now I think to myself will I find that person for me? Whether I am dressed to the tens or just pull on t-shirt pair of jeans with no make up and pull my hair back. Or has that chance passed me by already.

Whether Mr.Darcy shows up or not maybe the person that is meant to "like me" for me is myself.

I dreamed of you again.......

In October it will be a year that you left me. Yes I say me, because I know truth be told I pulled away along time ago. For whatever reason, out what I thought was respect for the new wife or just some sense of stupidity.

It was very vivid dream we were walking talking and laughing. You called me your buddy said you could tell me anything. Are you trying to tell me something now? I am not sure where the big ole car came from in my dream. That was odd.

I miss you more each day and the one thing that kept the feeling that you were here if only in spirit has gone and is now with you. All that is left is your earthly belongings and soon they will be gone too.

It has been awhile since I have dreamed of you. I am happy and sad all at the same time. Your son wants me to be there to help go through things. I am not sure that I can do this. I find comfort just to sit there and think about all the memories. Twenty five years other than immeadiate family is the longest relationship I have ever had.

I am thankful everyday that I was there to hold your hand and tell you that I loved you. You were as close to me as my own mother. I thought of you as mom, but never spoke it for fear of upsetting others. That is the unfortunate thing some of us do, is worry about others needs instead of our own.

Till we meet again in my dreams...missing you.....more everyday.....