Please let it be over.......

It is not even Christmas Eve yet and I am sick of it. The whole holiday just sucks beyond belief. I know believe me I know that I have tons to be grateful and thankful for. It still does not take away my stress.

Tomorrow is your birthday and this is the first year you both are gone. I cannot imagine what it feels like to be Michael. His first Christmas without either of you. My girlfriend that lost her babies in July am I sure she feels the loss even more so. Another girlfriend her son is back in the hospital with the mrsa strep and not sure if they will get to be home for Christmas.

This will also be the first Christmas I have to share my sons with their father and split the holiday. This not something new for me I have had to do it for years with my daughter. But her father and his family and I had a totally different relationship. So my children will be with their fathers and I will be here with my sister and her children. Supervising her visit.

I also have thought about am I missing something because I don't have a significate other in my life. Truly I do not think I am I still need to learn to live with myself. I think this next year should be somewhat of a priority year. Getting things in order. It is long over due.

I have always thought people should be loving,caring and giving all year round. Not just now to look good to others. My tree is up and has been for awhile but I can say for myself that I have not truly felt the spirit of Christmas as my heart has been to heavy with the pain of the world. In speaking with my sister last week. I asked her what is that when you feel emotion so deeply happy, sad and just flat out pain. She described as being hypersensative. Thank God I beginning to think I may be bi polar.

I am in the home stretch now so I just need to pull up my boot straps and suck it up. New Year's Eve is right around the corner. I am better suited for New Years. No gifts just food drink and merriment with friends and family. Those are the holidays that I can enjoy rather stress free.

To those of you I admire your ability to survive the holiday with true Christmas spirit. I can only hope in time that I will join you.

She looked like ..........

Okay all I have to say in my defense is that anyone who knows me if you ask me my honest opinion I will give it. Sometimes, I will give it when not asked for as well.

I have never been and will never be one that will tell you a lie. Especially when it comes to big girls wearing white. I am sorry this is an A1 no no. Major fashion suicide. You might as well be a bulleyes for some big game shoot. Seriously I cannot ever recall a full size woman that I know personally pulling this one off.

So you can imagine my horror, shock, surprise whatever emotion or all of the above when my own precious daughter came home with a white coat. She proudly came out to model it. I am now in pain, tongue nearly ready to bleed as I am biting it to keep from saying anything.

I begged her in my mind to not ask me those five little words. The words came so easy from her mouth. "What do you think Mom?" I could no longer hold back. I tried to be gentle as I could. Not wanting to crush her spirit.

But, before I knew that thing we will call my alter ego took over. All I could see in from of me was that big marshmellow creature from the movie "Ghost Busters." Before I knew it, I said it plain as day, you look like a big marshmellow. I then cringed waiting for her response.

She looked at me and was not pleased. I apologized, and quickly followed it with my take on the color white and full figured girls and women. I thought it best she hear from me. We can now laugh about it and she has thanked me for telling the truth.

Yeah.....I am not alone

The more I travel down this road the more educated I become. Today I had to take my niece for a med check as she has adhd. So after the visit we went to the pharmacy. While waiting for the meds to be filled we walked around the store.

As we were browsing the pre packaged gift section of this particular store she was very touchy feely of the merchandise. I told her to stop touching as they were pre packaged alcholic beverages. I told her those were for people like me who had too many children and that I could use several and started laughing.

The lady standing next to me agreed and we stood there looking at the packages. My niece was like omg that lady is agreeing with you. I said it was because she had children as well as the lady nodded in agreement.

So the following conversation insued. We compared notes she had two biological children two foster children and had a child or two for daycare. To which I replied I have three biological children and three foster children who were relative placement. That I too do daycare as well and had four children that I took care before and after school.

The lady said you have me beat. From there the conversation turned to the state of the foster care system in our state. We both shared the same frustration of it shortfalls,mutally agreed about fears of speaking out and losing the children in our care. Lastly about the boy that shot the people at the mall.

Health and Human Service held a press conference basically to cya (cover your ass) and talk about how much money they had spent trying to help him. The gentleman went on to say how the offer whatever support in so many words. To which the lady and I just shook our heads and said amazing.

I take this chance meeting as the universe telling me that I need to be apart of the greater good. So after the first of the year I will pursue classes to allow me to foster other children than just relative placement.