It is not even Christmas Eve yet and I am sick of it. The whole holiday just sucks beyond belief. I know believe me I know that I have tons to be grateful and thankful for. It still does not take away my stress.
Tomorrow is your birthday and this is the first year you both are gone. I cannot imagine what it feels like to be Michael. His first Christmas without either of you. My girlfriend that lost her babies in July am I sure she feels the loss even more so. Another girlfriend her son is back in the hospital with the mrsa strep and not sure if they will get to be home for Christmas.
This will also be the first Christmas I have to share my sons with their father and split the holiday. This not something new for me I have had to do it for years with my daughter. But her father and his family and I had a totally different relationship. So my children will be with their fathers and I will be here with my sister and her children. Supervising her visit.
I also have thought about am I missing something because I don't have a significate other in my life. Truly I do not think I am I still need to learn to live with myself. I think this next year should be somewhat of a priority year. Getting things in order. It is long over due.
I have always thought people should be loving,caring and giving all year round. Not just now to look good to others. My tree is up and has been for awhile but I can say for myself that I have not truly felt the spirit of Christmas as my heart has been to heavy with the pain of the world. In speaking with my sister last week. I asked her what is that when you feel emotion so deeply happy, sad and just flat out pain. She described as being hypersensative. Thank God I beginning to think I may be bi polar.
I am in the home stretch now so I just need to pull up my boot straps and suck it up. New Year's Eve is right around the corner. I am better suited for New Years. No gifts just food drink and merriment with friends and family. Those are the holidays that I can enjoy rather stress free.
To those of you I admire your ability to survive the holiday with true Christmas spirit. I can only hope in time that I will join you.
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2 comments:
Sooooo, how are you doing? Did you make it through Christmas unscathed? I love you and was just thinking about you so thought I would pop a little note in here. Ok, and for god's sake what is Hal on a rampage about now?
:o(
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