Count down to Graduation

WOW......what a time it has been. My son graduated on Sunday May 27. Family and friends traveled from Alabama,Minnesota,Nevada and Florida to help us celebrate. Is it possible that he seemed to mature in the days leading up to graduation? Family stared arriving on the Thursday before. Plans for his graduation party on Saturday were in full swing. My son being the very laid back kind of guy I don't think he really got into the mood of things until people started to arrive. He was too young too remeber all the activity when his sister graduated. We had plenty of people, food and music. I must say that I held it together pretty well, I credit that to my family and close friends that jumped in and did what ever needed to be done. My family although we do not live close works like a well oiled machine. We have learned late in life to communicate our needs and wants. We have had two great visits in the last few months with the majority of us in the same place at the same time. I long for the day that we all live closer and can spend even more time together. I cannot describe the emotion one feels when one of your children experiences a life changing moment. I wonder what he will take away from his graduation day as he enters a new chapter in his life. I have to say the highlight was after graduation Sunday night when the family gathered and we toasted his success that day and his future success to come. God speed my son your future awaits.

My Son....

It seems like yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital and now you are graduating high school. Another milestone that has come too quickly. As I turn the pages in my mind from your firsts that range from steps,words,teeth,happy meal and starting school tears fill my eyes. They are tears of mixed emotions. Filled with happiness and sadness. I am happy for the young man you have become and no doubt the awesome man you will continue to grow to be. Sadness as any mother would have as her child that she has nurtured, fussed and lost sleep over starts to move towards a life of his own. So as you walk across that stage on Sunday dream big,reach for the stars and don't trip just because you hear me yelling your name. Love ya babe.

When old friends come back...

I have a friend that has recently come back into my life. I sit and wonder why they left to begin with. Or did I leave. Were we ever really friends? What is it about me that attracts people to even want to be my friend. I think I use to be better at being a friend. I am a firm believer that everyone comes into your life for a reason. Have you ever met someone and thought, I wonder how long this will last. No, because most people don't think that way. But, what I have done with certain friendships is think about when that person first came into my life. Or better yet the defining moment when I knew through thick or thin we would be in each other's life. So tell me why some people treat perfect stangers better than their friends. Why do we do this? There is an old adtage that goes something like we always hurts those we love. Therin lies another adtage about there being a fine line between love and hate. So the question that begs, is there a reason you are coming back into my life now in this particular moment? What will be different from before and what will keep us from drifting apart again? How can you have missed me? When I felt relief at our parting. Is it age that makes me weary of the idea that we can be friends again? As we stand at the crossroads only time will tell.

My flower.........

I planted you deep with the soil where you stayed warm. I watered you fed you and nurtured you. I tended your every need and kept you from harm. I made sure you had sunlight to make you strong and kept from the cold. So it is sad that I missed the day you turned from bud into a beautiful flower for all the world to see.

The day the Ex Sex died.......

I do not know how common this is. But I am sure that I am not the only one. You break up, separate or divorce someone. For some reason the sexual part of the relationship does not go away. I have been separated from my husband for the last seven years. The reason for no divorce as of yet is a whole other story or blog or whatever. Back to the break up sex. It takes on a life runs hot and cold like the actual relationship was. I have come to believe that it is connection that has to die for you to be able to truly move forward in your life. I think that this is even harder than the break up itself. Maybe this only true of long term relationships because it easier to gravitate to the familiar. The death of this connection for was pretty significant. Becasue if nothing else was going right in this relationship the sex was very very intense. So intense at times it was like we should have been one person instead of two. I think everyone should feel such an intensity at least once in their life. December of 2006 late in the month is when it died for me. I went to his place after work as I often did. Something was different this time I could sense it as soon as I arrived. Maybe I should have turned around and went back out the door. I didn't, but my gut told me too. The sex was different, seemed hollow on some level. It was happening meaningless sex with someone I have shared a big part of my life with. The dagger went deep in when the condom broke and he just ignored it. Then laying there all he could say was, I had an hiv test in July if that is what you are worried about. With those words ringing in my ears I rose from the bed dressed and left myself out knowing I would never return.

A Mother's Day to remember....

First off let me say a belated Happy Mother's Day to Moms everywhere. For those who are not familiar the father of my children and I do not live together and have not for sometime. He runs very hot and cold with the holdiays so I have learned from experience to take them in stride. Well this year he was hot. Meaning planning something special, gifts cards etc. Cold years would be cards only from boys if he can manage that. Well, this year I figured he was all gung ho becasue he is dj'ing around town and wants to shiny his image. You know check me out, see all the nice things I do. So naturally we attend brunch at a place where it plays music on Thursday nights. So we head there about 11am get seated and order. Brunch was being served with mimosas and sangria as the drinks. So he and I order a mimosa each. The waiter, a younger man I might add,goes to serve them and needless to say I end up wearing mine. Now as you can imagine everyone sitting at my table are there with mouth hanging open in utter shock. The drink went totally down my left side arm, shirt and pants. Let me tell you if I was not awake before I was now. You know in that moment when something is happening and you play the scenario out in you head. Well that was me. First thought was I could loose my ever loving mind and ruin the whole day or be gracious and salvage the brunch. Younger years this would have not even crossed my mind. So I choose the latter and as the young man was trying to keep from becoming a piece of the floor I used my napkin and started drying myself off. He runs to the kitchen for wet towels. As many of you know the drink is made with champagne and orange juice which makes for a sticky combination. So as the waiter leaves I look at my family still sitting there in total shock and say very light hearted, "I guess I will be eating for free today." With that they all relaxed and were happy that the waiter was gonna live. So in the end I had brunch all the drinks I wanted and a gift certificate for dinner all for free. Proof that when life give you lemons you can make lemonade.

You are not the only one........

I do not know what your problem is but I am not the one. I did not do this to you. I am no the one that ripped apart your world as you know it. So tell me why I am the first one you shit on! I am not and will never be your personal door mat. You make it hard to be your friend, but I stand by you. I know you are in pain and hurting. But you need to tell it to the person who has caused you this pain. I am beginning to think that it has gone on long enough. I worry about you when you don't even care about yourself. Why is that I have to accept your past and I am not suppose to have one? I would be the first to tell you to pick up the pieces and put them back together because that is where you belong. But courtesy is something you should remember. One day I will not pick up the phone and accept the excuses.

Ever heard of .......

Am I the only one to have heard the saying "Let sleeping dogs lie!" I mean really the phrase was thought of for a reason. I am a firm believer in letting them do so. But there is always the well meaning friend who wants to fix the what is broke. ( Or should I say their perceived idea that something is broke.) Did I ask you too? Did I say, save me from my dogs? It all comes back to the moving forward. So many people seem to be stuck because the familiar is safe. I am included in this at times. But back to the dogs, things from the past have been left there for a reason. If someone wants to wake those dogs , drag them to the present let them. Not my well intended friend. So next time you think you are helping. Stop for a moment and think about your own sleeping dogs. Do you want them in the here and now? Turn about is fair play, is it not my well meaning friend?

The abyss of what was.......

You make changes and work on yourself to separate from a the familiar to move forward. Because moving forward is how you change and grow. Right.....He tells you it will happen one day all be legal on paper. Ok fine whatever then get your foot out the door. Why do you keep it there. Is it you that cannot move forward? Why do you run so hot and cold? I am done I am moving on. Sorry I can't tell you this but I think you know it too. I think that you are afraid to see it, but you know it deep down in your being. I am there but I am not hanging on your every word. You want me to know what is going on so you address it with those close within ear shot hoping I will speak up and comment. I don't, not even so much as a head turn to acknowledge that you are speaking. You no longer need my approval to validate you, why are you still seeking it? The are too many shattered pieces to be put back together. Stop trying I stopped long ago. I am sure you could not tell me when that happened, can you? I will always say please, thank-you and be gracious because that is who I am. I want to lead by example and not feed on the emotional crumbs you throw every now and then. I will in turn take that which I was entitled to a long time ago and make no apologies in doing so. The door is barely cracked now and soon it will close and the cold harsh reality will set in. Can you live with the person you have become?