Nurture Nurture Nurture the nature of the beast

Being a cancer, moon child born in the year of the tiger I tend to believe in astrology. We are very emotionally driven and a nurturer. We will nurture even if it kills us and we know we are not getting anywhere. We are project seeking martyrs who want to take care of everyone elses needs but our own.

I will be the first to admit that I use to be the Queen of this. I would say in the last couple of years though I have been trying to be more mindful of my needs and limitation before diving head first into the next project. Living within my own expectation instead of others.

There has only been one situation that I have not put the appropriate perspective on with personal boundaries. That would be the fact the even though I have been separated from this man for seven years he comes to the house and visits with the children.

I will paint the picture a little clearer. He has a key and can come and go as he pleases. I don't have anything to hide so I am not concerned that he would be snooping or anything like that. Plus the children are not babies and have no problem telling you anything that they don't feel is right. Plus they quit going with him when I no longer worked weekends which was a few years ago.

Don't get me wrong they will leave and spend time with him but want to know when he is bringing them back home. So my intent with this arrangement of him being able to come and go as he pleases was to NURTURE the relationship between him and the children.

His presense would teach them that although they need not agree with him all the time he is their father and they should respect that fact. If I have done my job
they would also be sure to remember him on his birthday, father's day and any other special occasion that should include your father.

Today it bit me in the ASS. Previous blog indicates what is currently going on in my life. After seven years of separation we are now in a big hurry for a divorce. So in theory since I don't have access to the place he calls home then in the land of divorce he should not have access to mine.

So today he kept pushing issues. So I told him that we could start with a parenting plan that had been implemented previously and if he wants to see the children he needs to pick them up and visit with them at his house.

Talk about feeling like you just threw someone off the cliff. We won't go into what his reaction was other than to say he did not take it very well. Moral of my little story is that in as much you think you are making the best of bad situation don't delay the inveitable by giving up your personal boundaries.

Subject line DIVORCE

Today I feel like screaming. I swear to GOD. For today God will have to be a woman. Because today in as much as I love and adore the opposite sex. I could careless if one ever takes space or breathes air in my personal bubble.

What possessed me to check my email anyway? It is never ceases to amaze me where people are concerned. Subject: DIVORCE from none other than you guessed it. You don't have the balls to say it to my face and the have gigantic ones to talk about resolving this in a peaceful manner via email.

Your idea of a peaceful manner is using the same attorney and terms of which are liveable for you. Let see the house. If it qualifies as being called a house. It is financed to the hilt and amazing enough has been refinanced once again with only you reaping the benefits.

You and I both know that by law if I take the house I have to take the debt. What kind of bullshit is that. My name is not even on the second. Divorce always favors the man. Do not get me wrong. I love my children with every fiber of my being and would never choose anyone or anything over them.

When it comes to divorce a woman has to take whatever the courts deams her worthy of having. You are left to be the responsible and have to live the example for your children. Believe me I know. I will tell at this time mine don't take in consideration the lengths I go to for them and maybe never will. All they remember is how crabby I was because of this or that or the time I did not fulfill their idea of need. (In reality a want.)

Dad however is a GOD and DISNEY LAND all rolled into one. If that is what works for them. One day they will parents if they so choose. We will see how that all falls out.

I think it sucks that you have to pay an arm and a leg just to get out of situation that all involved agree that it is not working. Believe me I have done my time. But I a sick to death of someone else (attorney's) living in my house and driving my mercedes.


It will be peaceful but I am sure not by your standards as I am not going suck it up in a divorce as I have in this marriage.

Omen.....

I saw him again. Mr. Sweet revenge. Today I went to the grocery store with my daycare kids. So needless to say I was not looking my best. You know unlike on Sunday when I had the cute factor going on.

We were checking out. I noticed this this man from the back. He was leaning on a counter top talking to young boy. As I walked by I looked out of the corner of my eye. Low and behold it was him. He is employed with an agency that works with youths that are in the system.

I just kept walking as if I did not see him. Never fails you always run into someone when you are at your least presentable. So as the children are getting in the car and I am putting the groceries in. Who should walk out of the store. Yes, Mr. Sweet revenge. Looking right at me.

He must have told the boy he was with he needed to go to his car for something I don't know. But he was smiling my direction and waved and nodded to let me know that he had seen me. I waved back and smiled.

My birthday is coming up ....just maybe one never knows I might see that smile again soon.

Revenge can be sweet........

It happened last November but I must tell you what led up to this night of sweet revenge.

During the first few years in our home we had some neighbor problems. Long story but basically we had some issues. I watched the boy across the street grow to be a very handsome young man. (Hint his mom is the neighbor that had issues with me)

So after awhile the issues seem to go away and all was calm in suburbia. The family across the street eventually moved away last fall. The young man had left home after gradauting high school but visited his family every now and then. He went off to college did an intership and now was living in working in town.

My girlfriend and I had always talked about how nice looking of a young man he had become. On visits to his family he would be mowing or jogging often without a shirt on. On more than one occasion my girlfriend and I joked about if given the opportunity (meaning to get with him) we would have take it under serious consideration. At the very least kiss those lucious lips of his.

I had seen him other times in the bar but ususally I was with the father of my children. One particular time we were out with a girlfriend celebrating her birthday. The young man from across the street was there at the bar. He tried to engage in conversation with me but was brushed aside by previously mentioned father of my children.

Some time had gone by since that chance encounter. That Saturday in November started out uneventful enough. We were having a bridal shower for my girlfriend to be followed by a night out with the girls to celebrate her impending nuptials.

A bus had been rented and rides had been arranged for after the bar so no one had to worry about drinking and driving. We hit three bars that night and had plenty of spirits on the bus as well.

So you can imagine by the time we hit the third bar I was pretty toasted. What a pleasant surprise to walk in and see the young man from across street there. My girlfriend and I stopped and talked to him. When we went to walk away he grabbed my hand and asked me to stay and talk with him.

Knowing glances were exchanged between my girlfriend a I. I stayed and talked with him. He spoke about how someone had brushed him aside last time he tried to talk to me. That was not a worry on this night as I was out with the girls. We danced we drank and had a great time.

We all know boys will be boys and tell you what they think you want to hear. He proceeded to tell me how he had always been attracted to me. My head is going yeah yeah sure sure. So I respond telling him his mother and his grandmother both would kill me for having such a conversation with him. He said that he is a grown does not live at home and does what he wants.

Being under the influence of alchol made it all the easier when he asked me to step outside with him. Lets just say he did not get to home base. But instead, lets say it worth putting up with his mothers crap all those years.

Playing with fire....

I am not speaking in the literal sense of playing with fire. Although the flicker and the glow of the reddish orange flame is very inviting. You watch it dance and flicker especially if it is againist the blackness of night. It grows bigger and bigger and takes on a life all its own.

One gets the same feeling when they want and desire for something. When you first meet someone. The intensity is much more when it is something or someone that seems unattainable.

When this happens we come to a cross road. Is this burning in our belly worth what we could loose. Is what we desire better than what we have in our lives now. So much of the time the answer to that question is no.

But if only for awhile before the fire gets to hot it is nice to stand at the edge and feel the heat of the flame.

Music in my head.....

Until The End of Time Lyrics

Listen
Woke up this morning
Heard the TV sayin' something
'Bout disaster in the world and
It made me wonder where I'm going
There's so much darkness in the world
But I see beauty left in you girl
And what you give me let's me know
That I'll be alright

'cause if your love was all I had
In this life
Well that would be enough
Until the end of time
So rest your weary heart
And relax your mind
Cause I'm gonna love you girl
Until the end of time

You've got me singing
Oh whoa, yeah
Oh whoa, yeah
Everybody sing
Oh whoa, yeah
Everybody singing
Oh whoa yeah

Now if you're ever wondering
About the way I'm feeling
Well baby girl there ain't no question
Just to be around you is a blessing
Sick and tired of trying to save the world
I just want to spend my time with you girl
And what you're giving me
Let's me know that we'll be alright.

'cause if your love was all I had
In this life
Well that would be enough
Until the end of time
So rest your weary heart
And relax your mind
Cause I'm gonna love you girl
Until the end of time

You've got me singing
Oh whoa, yeah
Oh whoa, yeah
Everybody sing
Oh whoa, yeah
Everybody singing
Oh whoa yeah

This one's for the lovers
If you're out there let me hear you say
Yeah, yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
This one's for the lovers
If you're out there let me hear you say
Yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah)
This one's for the lovers
If you're out there let me hear you say
Yeah, yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
This one's for the lovers
If you're out there let me hear you say
Yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah)

Oh whoa yeah
Oh whoa yeah
Oh whoa yeah
Oh whoa yeah

'cause if your love was all I had
In this life
That would be enough
Until the end of time

Father's Day.....more like chinese torture

Needless to say this has never been a favorite day to have to do something for someone that you just don't feel it for. But I will bite it and be thankful for the things he does do. But here in this venue I will voice how I truly feel.

As usual it is putting up with his attitude. Could tell it would be tense from the get go. Called him on the phone and he was like I am hungry now. Mind you it is 9:30am and the boys are still asleep. Why because they felt it more important to stay up till the wee hours. So I said will an hour be too long? Do you want us to pick you up or what. He stated he would head our way in an hour. So finally everyone is ready within the hour. An hour and half later I am calling him and shock shock he is still at home.

So he gets there doesn't come in but goes down the street to a neighbors house. Which is a whole other blog for another day. So I tell the kids he is here lets go and to get in the car. So he comes walking up the street and off we go.

Once again we are going to the place where he djs on Thursdays. All about show blah blah blah blah. That truly is what it sounds like when he talks to me anymore. Adult ADHD kicks into full gear and I want to run screaming in the opposite direction.

So naturally he has to make sure everyone there knows he has arrived and if he sees someone he is not familiar with he has to introduce himself. Oh and let them know he is there on Thursdays. So needless to say "Thank you Jesus" we only have to do this once a year.

So during coversation it was strained and he always tries to be such an ass, well guess what stop trying cause you are. So when he would say something to try and get under my skin. I would respond no biggie or just did what you requested.

Today though I am sure I took it to a whole new level when I boldly announced that he did not need to feel any obligation to my birthday as it is on a Saturday and I am sure that he has other plans. So he popped back he did not feel obligated and I said whatever. But like I said I am on my own this year. I didn't want to have to plan my birthday around anything he may have going on.

So his final attempt to get under my skin as we are leaving the restaurant he asks the hostess so how late are we open tonight. "WE" I am sure the owner would like some help with the bills in that case. She said 9:30pm and he said I will see you later as me and some friends are coming by.

So we go home and do the gift card thing and as soon as we are done with that he jets. I am relieved the whole thing is over. I am sure that many of you wonder why I would even continue if I find it so very very painful.

The bottom line is I want my children to do the right thing. They are his children and he does right by them. So if I am expected. I will be there and have bells on if necessary. Just so my children have one more thing in their lives that I did not. A father that loves them though at times has an odd way of showing it.

Wedding, religious verse and SEX.....

On Friday a co-worker of mine got married. It was at 11am in the morning. A Catholic wedding. He only invited a few of us from the office since they were only having family and close friends. This particular co-worker I consider a friend and have gotten to know him pretty well in the 3yrs we have been working together.

He is the epitome of a what I consider to be a gentleman. His parents I am sure are very proud of him. He has looks, education, very well mannered,sense of humor and a temper when one is needed. Believe me I could go on with all the reason I really like who is as a person. So I am sure that he will be able to appreciate the humor of my experience during his wedding.

For anyone not familiar with the Catholic church they do alot of getting up and down and kneeling. When the priest receits scripture they respond in kind. Also during a Catholic wedding they take communion and during this they kneel.

Since I was a friend of the groom I sat on his side. All four of us from the job (all ladies) sat together. Sitting behind us was a whole roll of the groom's friends. I could tell by response and non response those who were practicing Catholics. The two young gentlemen seated behind me were definitely practicing.

So communion time came and the priest said to kneel or sit. So not being a practicing Catholic I sit down on the pew. Not thinking the next thing I hear in my ears is the two young men seated behind me receiting religious verse. Since it was like they were talking in my ears. Yes, you guessed it they were kneeling.

Can I tell you what a freaking turn on that was. Especially the young man on my left shoulder. He had a voice that mmmm just make you melt. Do you think that I moved at all forward knowing how close they were? Oh hell no, I just closed my eyes and took it all in. Sex and religion. What a combination. It was very hard for me to pray for the blessing of the marriage and the bride and grooms future when I needed to be praying for forgiveness for my thoughts.

Do you think God has a sense of humor and could have possibly have been thinking whatever gets them in the pews? If not Father forgive me because I have sinned.

Craving but not for food......

Every now and then this feeling comes. It is hard to explain. It is like having a craving for something and you don't know what it is you want to eat. But it has nothing to do with food at all. It is a very empty feeling. Deep down in your soul. Painful at times. What drives this feeling of incompleteness.

I have a very full life. Three beautiful children. A few close friends. A great although at times very dysfunctional family. But at the very core a good family. I work hard and make my money honestly. Have a home that as anyone that has a home will tell you is a work in progress. So what is the longing?

I was told tonight that I look sad. My response was that I feel distracted or maybe out of sorts is more accurate. Twice in the last two weeks I have been told I have a very depressing voice mail message. Which truth be told, I called it today and it just sounded standard. After all I do use it for business purposes so it is appropriate.

I am feeling anxious and I have not felt that in a long time. On the edge of anxiety attack? Change is in the wind and maybe it is weighing in the back of my mind. It has been an unusually busy week leading into a busy weekend.

Tale tale signs of distraction. Yesterday I fell asleep with a candle burning. Tonight I am sitting here at work and mind you it is almost midnight and the sprinkler is still running the backyard. Good thing someone is still up since I don't get off work till three in the morning.

My mind is wandering alot too. I am constantly thinking of me time, down time, calgon take me away time. Staying longer than I should in shower and late alot for my night job. Which I love it is a cake job.

The universe it telling me something and in time I am sure I will know what it is....

The System.....

Even though school has been out here for almost two weeks. Today summer craziness started. I have the daycare regulars and this summer I have started something different. I am now taking children for daycare that are in the foster care system.

For anyone who has not read any of my past blogs. I will refresh your memory. I don't have much faith in the foster care system. Due in large part to my own personal experience with them. I wish someone would grow some balls within the system and say "Hey" what we are doing is not working. They should be working for the victims and not the worthless pieces of shit excuse for parents.

Do not get me wrong there are some that simply are struggling and need help. But the vast majority of children in the system are because their parents just shouldn't be parents to any living thing. The system is set up to keep the family together no matter what the cost. In my opinion the cost it to high if the child is the price to be paid.

The flip side of this coin is that there are people in the foster care business simply for the money. Then there are those that would walk through fire to help a child. My hat off to them. I would consider myself one of those people. I have said jokingly in the past that I would much rather spend my day with children and that is why I do daycare.

Truth is children are more open and honest than most adults and they truly appreciate someone being there for them that actually cares. I have yet to understand how adults can prey on children. It is hard to believe that children so young can be labeled as sexual predators, phyical abusers. I know some of you are thinking that this happens becasue that is how the parent was treated.

It is a choice no matter how hard it is a choice and you as an adult can stop the cycle. Make a better choice. If you know this about your self and cannot change then stay the hell away from children. Give them a fighting chance. God knows I am far from perfect as a parent.

All I can continue to do is teach my cildren and those I encounter in this life that it is not okay for someone just because they are an adult to hurt you. It is okay to tell and keep telling till someone listens.

If only......

If only has crossed my mind alot of late. If only I didn't sleep so late. If only I had waited till it was on sale. If only I had paid more attention. If only I had more patience. If only I would have taken the time. I am a firm believer that things and people come into your life when they are suppose to as I have mentioned in another blog. So why am I thinking like this.

My thought to why this happening is that someone I am very close too will be leaving soon. Chances are we will, not unless by some miracle they come back to this place, I will eventually loose contact. Friends like this come once in a great while. The sad part is they have been here for alot longer than the time we have spent hanging out.

I can't even begin to tell you how much as a person I have grown and how much spiritually, intellectually and just an appreciation of life that I have acquired just knowing this person. I find it sad that people everyday set people aside because they are afraid of something different.

Traveling to a different drum has been they way that I have lived my life for the most part. It has brought me some life experiences that probably would have never crossed my path. I am very grateful and appreciative of this. For now I will put the if onlys aside and enjoy the experiences to come with my friend and cherish the memories when they are gone.

The monster in my dreams....

As I lay here trying to sleep I pray for a peaceful sleep. Dear God please please do not let my mind take me there. The place I have been so many times before. I am safe now let my soul and subconscience know and I start to drift off.

I can see the images, smell the air thick with his smell and hear the sounds from that place so long ago. I am struggling againist my very being, wake up, wake up. It is too late my body is paralized and I am now a small child. Why is this happening to me. Why is there not someone here to help me. I can see the shapes of things in the room and know that this is not my room, but his.

Pretend to be asleep, pretend to be a sleep and maybe he will go away. The footsteps are now outside the door. My heart is beginning to pound and my body trembles. Be still or he will know your are not asleep. He is now standing in the doorway a shadowy figure to powerful for me to fight. His prescense tells me everyone else is asleep in the house.

The others treat me badly as they think he favors me too much. If they knew the price to be his favorite would they want to pay it? My guess is no. He is closing the door and in that moment with noise of the closing of the door I jerk. I am focusing my eyes now and can see that am awake.

This is my room the one that I continue to think that I am safe in. I am not and never will be. Why, because the monster in my dreams is my reality. I am scarred and broken. The struggle to fix me will be life long. The monster is the lucky one he is long since gone from this world. But what he has done has left an impression deep within my soul. The outer world will continue to see what I allow. As I passed you on the street today did I see him in your eyes, was he in your dreams as well?

Moving forward......

Forward I am told is good. That is the direction one should always want to move in. But in this last week I keep taking a few steps backward. I find myself wondering if it is because two of my children have passed or will be passing very important milestones in their lives. A high school gradaution and soon a college graduation. This means a milestone for myself.

I look at them and see the young adults they are or becoming. Then the memories come, very vivid. In that moment I see the day they were born and like turning pages in a book the progression that brings us here in this moment. With these current milestones I have talked with several people over the months leading up to this place in time.

I have always known deep with in myself that I am truly blessed. My children are three very different,beautiful,bright and unique individuals. God has entrusted me of all the people he could have chosen from to nurture them. Believe me when I say on more than one occasion I said to God what were you thinking, throw up my arms and said, Jesus what was I thinking. Only to think to myself at the end of the day it was and is worth it.

I attribute my desire to be a player and not a couch potatoe in the parenting of my children from my own up bringing. My mom, bless her soul did the best she could being more of a single parent due to the fact she divorced when my sister and I were very young. Then she remarried and had two more children. Their dad was more like an absentee parent. Though quite disfunctional at times my family has been a great source of support.

My mom recently toasted my son at his graduation. She said to him that although Grandma does not live in the same city as he does she feels as if she has been present for alot of his milestones all because his mother (moi) keeps her well informed. Least we forget his Auntie to this day swears by the stars above that he is her child. Moved him to tears on that day. So with that said I will close. Life is a journey and I cannot think of anyone else that I would like to travel through it with than my three children and my crazy as it is family.

The Best and The Worst......

Isn't it amazing how someone can bring out the best in you and in the same turn bring out the worst in you. How does this happen? When the worst rears its ugly head and things spin so out of control. Are there pieces left that can be picked up and put back together? Would you want to put them back together if you could? I can tell you from a recent experience that until this happens you do not really know someone. My eyes have been opened to how blown out of porportion a situation can become. I am sure that I have been involved in something like this when I was younger and who knows even now it could happen. All it takes is for one person to take something out of context, say the wrong thing or give the wrong impression. There, you have the beginning of a chain reaction. In retrospect was the blow up the real problem or was there an under lying issue that laid the ground work. Was the person that was railed the intended or deserving one? The bigger person forgives and moves on. Only time will tell if the wound so deep will truly heal and if hearts are able to mend.