Flip this house.........

Okay so today I had the realtor in. The first of two, the other comes tomorrow. The gal today I really enjoyed. We toured around the house and discussed everything that was going on.

When I told her how much he had valued the house she said and these were her exact words, "Is he smoking crack?" I shook my head in agreement and said I am thinking so.

She loved the changes I had made to the place. She took some notes and then proceeded to take pictures so I would have something for the attorney. The realtor stated she loved what I had down to the bathroom. The kitchen looked great. The living room was acceptable. The retaining walls were also a nice touch as the fire bushes and stones on the side of the house.

As we were walking the yard she turns to me and says. I have to be honest with you. The house is worth what someone is willing to pay for it. Meaning it was a good candidate for flip this house. I busted out laughing and said you are 100% right.

She indicated that it was ashame that I could not keep the house as the monthly payment was good for the size of the house. She was surprised at how much room there was on the inside. I totally agreed with her. I said, I knew right away when we looked at this house I wanted it.

The problem lies in the 2nd mortgage. I am not taking that debt and if giving the house up that needs a new roof,driveway,painted inside and out,heating and air. Those are the high ticket items with lots of small projects that is what I am willing to do to cut all ties.

In parting the realtor from today said she would work the house up as if everything was in good shape and depreciate it from there. That sounded like a plan to me. So come on down realtor number two and tell me what you think.

Grasping for control......

I am still amazed at how people will still try to hang on after the ship is going down. I mean really you started this, it's what you want so badly.

The ex husband to be purchased some desks for our sons. That is all fine and good. I will not deny them anything their father wants to give them. He has always been Disney to them.

This behavior always kicks into high gear when we are in the process of divorce. Same thing this time. First out of the gate are the constant phone calls and then taking the to dinner one night a week. Then buying them things.

The dinner thing only last two weeks and the phone calls come and go. But the week I was served he purchased these desks. Great wonderful good as the youngest one has been asking for one for awhile now.

I am sure you are wonder where the control factor comes in. The desk you see are the ones you have to put together. This is not my speciality in life. So hence they sit in their boxes.

So the ex to be calls today and is inquiring if the desks have been put together yet. The boys tell him no and from there his rant begins. Well if your not going to use them I am going to return them. The money is better sitting in my account than me paying the furniture store.

So with all that goes on in this world his worry is about the desk in the box. Well why the hell didn't you put them together before you brought them over here. Better yet purchased them already assembled.

What a concept. Lest we forget you forgo control and that is what it is all about for you.

As he lay dying....

Anyone reading my blog is aware that my ex father-in-law is dying. He has been in the hospital for over a week now. He collasped and has bleeding in the brain.

My ex husband and I very close friends. I know that can be hard to believe but under certain circumstances it does happen. Last Friday July 20th we were told he probably wouldn't last more than a couple of days.

It is now a week later and he is still hanging in there. He is unable to speak at all now. He is now on a morphine drip and has been catherized. I have mixed emotions about this man. I think of my in-laws as parents of sorts as I have known them since I was 17 years old. Coming from a family that at the time seemed so dysfunctional. It was different be married to someone who's parents have been married forever and remained so till death. She passed away last October.

Now she was a different story. I loved her very deeply. She was like a mother to me. Even after her son and I divorced we kept in contact. I do regret however not spending as much time with her as I would have like. A perfect lesson of letting life get in the way. I also was more concerned with the feelings of others ie ex husbands new wife. When she was dying I was there every moment I could be.

I am grateful to the new wife and that she understood that my relationship with the mother in law was beyond the fact I had been married to her son. I held her hand and talked to her up until almost the very end. Then the ex sister in law arrived and she was there in the final hours. I am ok with that even though up until that point she had not bothered to come and visit during her illness. Okay fine maybe she came once.

But him I am not as close. There is a reason for this. For some number of years now I have known about his infidelities. One of his indiscretions occurred in my home that I shared with his son when we married. Photo proof existed. The how and why of this information came to light is not important. But is a situtation that having knowlege of kind of bonds his son and I. The new wife does not understand the relationship of father and son. Not so sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but it is what it is.

So this is what leads me to my blog of the day. I was suppose to go and visit with my daughter at the hospital last night. Feeling under the weather I did not go. I took my son to work and left the house without my cell phone. I had to make a stop where I ended being longer than I thought so I called home to find that my ex and my daughter had called me. So being concerned something might have happened with the ex father in law I called my daughter.

I ended up speaking with her father who said to me I thought you were suppose to be standing watch. I told him I was still feeling sick and that I would visit on Saturday when I got off work. He said fine and that he would talk to me later.

When my daughter returned home she said she overheard her father telling the nurse that he is the only one to be notified in the event of anything happening with his father. My dauther thought maybe it was her Aunt calling. We chalked it up to her father just wanting to be the one call in the event of the grandfather's death. My daughter went on to tell me her father had stepped out of the room to call me and told his wife he was trying to call his sister.

So today I get a call from my ex. He was calling to tell me that when he his wife arrived at the hospital on Friday. A female was in the room dressed in the sterile gown and everything holding his father's hand, tears streaming down her face. He had seen a piece of paper with this persons name and phone number on it at the nurses desk. Low and behold it was the female that the indiscretion had occurred with in out home all those years ago. She has asked the wife and the nurses to let her know if anything happens to him or if he moved so she can continue to visit with him.

Of course now I am reeling with did you throw her out, say anything to her. Because as I live and breathe God knows they would have been calling security. We are not sure how she knew where he was other than not being able to reach him at home or on his cell she just started calling the hospitals.

The wife is telling him that he is dying and to just let it be. I don't agree but also have more knowledge of the relationship of father and son. So he finally snapped and told her that he did not say or give any kind of opinion when her own father put the family through being an alcholic. Or when he died because of it. That she does not understand and he does not ever what her to talk to him about anything again regarding his father and the whores.

I really have to agree with the ex on this one. But by the same token it is not her fault that he has chosen not to share this with her. I suggested that the visitation be close to family only. But my ex does not want to keep his friends from visiting. He feels that keep phone notification to just him will help restrict the flow of information. Talk about having to deal with the sins of the father.

Stupid question of the day....

Stupidest question of the day, "So can you tell me why the account is behind?" Well let me see...."LIFE MOTHER FUCKER! What else? No I just find pleasure in screwing you out of your $15.00 a month payment. WoooHoooo I can so party with that.

Because more than screwing you out of your payment I enjoyed the endless pentalites and fees your are going to slap on my account because I missed the payment. I love your arrogant attitude that you are superior. God knows that this would never happen to you. After all you live in perfectville.

Your second stupid question was, "Do you have a work number we can contact you at?" Oh yes because while my life in going down in flames let's just have my business scroll across the ticker at work. As far as you need to know I am homeless and unemployed. The cell phone you have contacted me on is the house phone in the cardboard box in which I am raising my three children.

Now granted I will take my share of responsibilty with this. After all I was the dumbass who was reeled in by your oh so hard to resist credit offer. Guess what ass wipe if it was not for people like me people like you would not have a job. It kills me how you act like I am the worst cardholder you have. Miss one payment and the heavens open up and fire and brimestoe rain down.

I will pray for you tonight and it will go something like this. Now I lay me down to sleep. Please Lord let me be present when the jackass that called me today has to deal with someone like them when their life is overcome by events. Give me grace enough to extend my hand and offer to share my cardboard box with them. Lord I also am using the word jackass in the biblical sense. Amen

Time out already......

I am thinking that at some point it should get better. Let's recap...my life in the last two weeks.

My friend lost her babies,received divorce papers same day. Finally finished and got my other friend on her way to Boston, ex-father in law collaspes and is now in the hospital with brain bleeding and is not expected to make it.

So today being Monday and praying for a little relief why should I be surprised that the power would go out. Not only go out but do it right when I am trying to get ready for work. If God is trying to send me a message about the house I have gotten it loud and clear.

In speaking with my friend that lost the babies, she said I will tell you like my therapist told me. You are entitled to as many pms days as you feel like. She went on to say when the therapist told her this, she responded that her husband might not appreciate any extra pms days. The therapist said pms stands for poor me syndrome.

I laughed and said ok who is comforting who here. She replied that we would comfort each other. The reality of any given situation is life goes on and you just have to make the best of it. But right now I feel like I am in a football game trying to defend my goal and I can get up for getting knocked back down.

I continue ......

Well one would think that things would be winding down after the last two weeks that I have had. I spent Tuesday night after my wonderful day at the pool trying to finish up packing. My friend was scheduled to leave for Boston on Wednesday night.

We worked from six that night till two thirty in the morning. I returned Wednesday night before I went to work and we worked all afternoon. I left my sister to help finish up. Get the keys for me and see my friend off. I assured my friend I would clean the apartment and turn in the keys.

Earlier that Wednesday morning we had discovered my daughter's grandfather had fallen. An ambulance was called. He ended up in the hospital. Thursday I had a full house of daycare children. I got my son off to work and then headed to the apartment with some assistance to clear out some things my friend had left for me. That was all I had time to do and ended up being late for work. I hoped Friday that I would get an early start and could just hang out when all was done.

Friday morning comes and of course it was not the early start I had hoped for. I took the only daycare child I had and ran some errands. Filled up my truck and headed home. I received a call from my first husband who had received a call from the hospital and indicated that his father had taken a turn for the worse. He needed me to let our daughter know. If we wanted to visit with him we needed to come to the hospital.

It turns out that a small brain bleed that showed up on the CAT scan on Wednesday is getting worse. Some decisions had to be made and my ex has power of attorney. I could tell that he was struggling. His sister lives out of state and his wife was out of town as well. So I told my daughter what is going on. She went and finished her errands and went directly to the hospital.

I on the other hand had to go and clean the apartment as keys had to be turned in by that night. So I took my sons and off we went. Now keep in mind I love my friend dearly. Yes I will admit to being a clean freak. But Lord help me. It took four and half hours to clean a one bedroom apartment. Due to the self cleaning oven not being done when I left I kept one door key and the gate opener. I turned in the paper work and all other keys. I informed the management office things would be finished and the keys turned in by the appropriate time.

So off the the hospital I go. According to the doctors he will continue to get worse but if the family wanted they could continue current medical protocol. Or stop all heroic measures. He already has a dnr directive. So the decision has been made and now we wait. He appears to be losing speech, but then will have a limited conversation. Fades in and out and appears at times not to recognize you.

I continue to move forward as there is not time to look back. I am sad about his impending passing. My heart breaks for the decisions that have to be made by my first husband. I can only let him know that I am there for him. He has to trust himself. He is living the experience and I am on the outside looking in.

Eye Candy does the heart good......

Sometimes the clouds do open up and God smiles upon you. Yesterday I decided to say what the hell and leave all of Monday's greif on the back burner.

My friend recently moved to an apartment complexes and since I do the child care for her children she bestowed upon me a key to the pool. The management was advised of who I was and that I would be bringing the children to swim.

Now let me asure you I am no babe in a bikini. Far from it but you know it was my I don't give two shits day and it was 105 degrees in the shade. So I gather up the children and some refreshments and headed to the pool.

After some quick introduction we hit the pool. We were the only people there for quite sometime. As the afternoon wore on others began to arrive. Two ladies clad in bikinis and their children. Fun was being had by all.

Then a man not my age but not so young I should go to jail for what I was thinking arrived with four children following close behind. Very nice shirtless body with the bermuda type swim trunks. Sun lover as he was nice and tanned. Blonde hair I can only guess at his eye color as I was not that close. His children quickly joined the others in the pool.

I had already gotten out of the pool by then and had settled on the opposite side of the pool after pulling on a t-shirt over my swimsuit. I had my lounge half in the sun and half in the shade. I just wanted to continue to sun my legs but, you when you have freckles you only get more freckles.

Of course the bikini clad gals decided they needed to jump into the pool. I guess they thought they would be eye candy for him. But he was obviously studying a book he had brought with him and had ear buds listening to his ipod.

He would glance up to check his children which were two boys and two girls playing and laughing in the pool. At one point there was an issue between one of the boys and one of the girls. He got up and in one fail swoop picked the boy up out of the water. My my my what beautiful biceps. I applaud you quietly.

Little man was in time out next to dad. Things soon wrapped up at the pool but it was a nice break from the events of the last week and Monday. It felt freeing to just let things go and not worry what others think of me. (referencing bathsuit in public) It was a beautiful Tuesday afternoon and if man is made in God's image then I am doom to hell. Because there was lust in my heart.

****Second eye candy sighting in two days heaven help me. We had an early morning scare with my daughter's grandfather. That ended up in a rescue squad being called. He is now in he hospital for observation. But I must comment on the young paramedic that was part of the response team. Tall dark hair great eyes. Very good at his job too I might add. I wonder if one can make a reservation for which paramedic responds in your hour of need? I know I know keep on dreamin...

I picked the wrong profession......

Here goes as if my day couldn't suck any worse. Met with the attorney today and he was very straight forward. If I give him a $1,0000. up front and $175.00 and hour is his price he can fix this whole thing for me.

According to the attorney my best case scenario is put the house up for sale as is asap. I will probably have to take some the debt the thorn has accrued. I will get some money if he can prove I was married to the thorn at least 10yrs of his military career. But it will cost me alot of money to get out with this in the very least because the thorn has done a very good job of hiding things. The attorney states it will take alot to untangle this web.

I guess I was in a different meeting because I very clearly told the attorney I have no money. The thorn refinanced and pocketed money, not me. There is no equity in the house. I am listening to a different news station. It is a buyers market not a sellers. Did we forget it needs a new roof, driveway,deck (because the other rotten one was ripped out),heating and air because the old one was tagged unfixable,paint inside and out and the basement takes in water with every good storm.

Why didn't I go to school to be an attorney. Oh I know because I didn't plan very well. That has been my whole problem all along. Doing the right thing. Make sure everyone else's needs are met. Here I am dog paddling up to my neck in shit and do not see a way out. A friend offered me to come live in her basement if it works out for her to get this townhome. I would not do that to my children. The worse case scenario for them is ending up living with their dad because I can't even afford the attorney to fight him. Which is what he was banking on.

They attorney can say put the house on the market. It is not his home or the only one he has known as in the case of my youngest son. Who I am sure will be okay with whatever happens as all the children will be. I have done this 3 times already and I am tired of losing a never ending battle. Brief interjection here for those with their mouths hanging open with the fact of three times. The thorn always retreats and turns on the charm when things are not looking so good for him. Me, not wanting to be the bad guy takes it up the ass to keep the peace. I guess I only have 60 days of doing nothing to find out how much less I am gonna have.

P.S. To my divorce gf parking our suv's under a bridge end to end and calling it a single wide is looking pretty damn good.

If it was not enough.......

Well folks when it rains it pours. I did not mention this in my previous post because they were about my friend and her very very very sad loss. In addition to dealing with this tremdous grief we all felt. The ever present thorn in my side served me with divorce papers. Should have know when he was playing twenty questions about money and the fact he refinanced the house and pocketed a nice little sum of money.

An attempt to serve me came last Monday while I was at the hospital with my friend. So I called the guy and said, Hey I am not trying to hide from you or anything but I have something more important going on. So call me in the morning and let's get this over with as I know what they are. Unless of course you are going to tell me someone else is looking for me. The guy responded, surprised I knew what they were. I told the process server oh yes, the thorn was considerate enough to send me an email regarding the papers. He of course had to laugh at that one.

So bright and early the process server and I met. He told me that I was spoiling him by waiting outside for him. My reply that this was my childrens home and they were sleeping and I did not want them woke up from his early call. Very nice gentleman we ended up speaking for several minutes and he said he was sorry to hear about my friend and that to make sure I hire a very good attorney.

If I could count how many times I have heard that. Sad truth of that matter is they cost too much money. God knows I don't have a money tree growing in my backyard unless I missed it. Truth be known this is not the first time in the six or seven years we have been separated that we have filed. That is another blog for another day. I do not have my doubts it will be finished this time. The bigger question at what cost. The thorn does not like to lose and even worse be told what to do.

I know this if nothing else about him. I have endured many years of manipulation by this man and given a great deal from possessions to my own soul being chisled away little by little. It is only in these last years of being separated that I have managed to regain some sense of myself. But I will be the first to admit that I am not so far removed from his manipulation.

There is a pattern that I have noticed in things that happen where he is concerned. Anytime that I appear to be having a life of my own he acts out in some form and this must be the latest of acting out. The old I don't want you but I don't want you to be with anyone else or happy on any level. I had a friend tell me this is war and kill or be killed as he will not have mercy on you. So get in that mind set. Time will tell if I am equipped mentally and physically ready for this.

God Bless the Little Babies

I am still trying to figure out if Tuesday July 10th or Friday 13th was the worst day of my life that I have I had in a long time. My dearest friend had to go through the ordeal of losing her babies and then had to labor and delivery them only to plan a funeral.

She is an AMAZING woman. As much as she was grieving she opened her heart and shared this very personl time with a select few. I can honestly say I don't think I would have handled it with as much grace and courage as she has shown this week. I spent Monday and Tuesday with her. Tuesday we were allowed in after the babies were born.

The hospital where they were born have an amazing staff of people to deal with the loss of a baby and in her case babies. We were allowed to hold the babies and share in her sorrow. A group of photographers called "Now I lay me down to sleep" volunteers their time and services to take pictures of the babies and the family with the babies so they have a cherished memory.

I was grateful to find out that the photographer was a friend. It made it all the more special. It is something to experience. She cradled the babies together. Ezekeil was laying in Malachy's arms and placed their hands together. It appeared as if they were sleeping in each others arms. This is how I will picture them in heaven.

The father of the babies is from Africa and he has several family members living here as well. They came to the hospital and brought rosaries and tiny prints of the Virgin Mary and the Saints. The rosaries were placed on the babies wrists and one of the female family memebers sang.

Another group of women take donated wedding dresses and make outfits for babies that are still born. I remember seeing a news report on this very act of kindess sometime ago. My friends picked out two little silk white suits for them to be buried in. After all this on Tuesday she was released from the hosptial. It had to be the hardest thing she has ever done. Leave the hospital empty handed and heart must of felt like a brick in her chest.

There was a memorial service on Thursday night and then a funeral mass on Friday. My own children join me in supporting our close family friend. All of us shed alot of tears this day. Heaven now has two more beautiful angels who will watch over their mommy till she meets them again one day.

Life is Cruel

Today I woke to some very sad news. I for the life of me will never understand how a loving and forgiving GOD can be so cruel. I received a call yesterday from a girlfriend, truth be told someone who is closer like a sister. She was calling to tell me she was in the hospital due to some complications with her babies.

We found out she was pregnant with twins in the very early stages. Babies were due in September but expected to come in August. I spoke with her twice yesterday and I could tell she was nervous but seemed to find comfort that she was in the hospital and the latest was that they would take the babies on Tuesday or Wednesday.

She has only been married just over a year and was very excited to be adding to her already growing family. She has a biological daughter, two daughters she has adopted and a step son. They would be a modern day "Brady Bunch" as the twins are boys. Malachy and Ezekiel are their names.

At this point I don't know what happened but sometime during the night or the early hours of this morning she lost both babies. I cannot imagine anything more cruel than this for a woman to experience. My heart breaks for her. I am sure she is questioning GOD and I pray he gives her and her husband the strength to make it through.

Escapism Has Escaped Me.....

Today I was watching a movie. "You Got Mail" to be exact. It is one of my favorite among a sea of many. As I watched the movie I tried to think back to a time that would mold my idea of love, marriage, family.

I don't come from a Ward and June Cleaver family. My mother has been married three times. I can't remember much if anything of her marriage to my father. The second marriage was to a monster. Her third is probably the marriage she wished had been her one and only.

So where do I get this idea about love and how it should be. God knows my own track record has not been all that great. I have discovered within my own being I am in love with being in love. The dating getting to know one another, flirting talking hours on end and the real or imagined great sex in the early stages of a relationship.

Where did the notion of the knight in shining armour coming and sweeping you off your feet, protect you and provide you with life's comforts come from. It cannot be a southern upbringing due to being a service brat.

Maybe the fact that at some point early in my life I used movies to escape the reality of my daily life. Or the fact society condidtions us. Combination of the two perhaps.

So today as I watched the movie that I could usually find some solace for even a short time I found to be very painful. I look forward to a time when I can find relief in something I find comforting even if only for a couple of hours.

Decent into Purgatory

I am sure we all have those people in our lives that just the mention of their name sends into some kind of panic.

For me it would be my second husband. We have been separated for the last seven years. Believe me the divorce is impending. The dissolution has not taken place for numerous reasons, but not due to the lack of trying

I am beginning to think that the reason I cannot seem to form cognitive thought when issues arise involving him is that he has replaced the monster in my dreams. There are is abuse on a level different from the monster but just as devasting.

We have been married 17-18 years and I am tired. Too tired to fight. For me to be free and take back what he as taken will be the ultimate fight. He is so deep in my mind. I cannot remember when he began to exist and the me began to fade away.

The purgatory in which I live is numbing to say the least. I am constantly second guessing myself. To the point that at times I begin to believe that which he has embedded within to be true.

The latest of his mind games was he wanted to settle without attornies and when I balked he was pissed. So now he has sent me an email letting me know that he has retained an attorney. Yes I said an email as he cannot tell me to my face. I am dancing as fast as I can.

Last night as I drove down a dark road I found it to be oddly comforting. I wonder if it is a sign that there will be peace and comfort only when all is dark.

Meditations*****For Women Who Do Too Much*****

This is something I came across recently while helping a friend with some spring cleaning. I hope you that are like me find some food for thought.

What I am looking for is not "out there" It is me.

Solitude is not a luxury. It is a right and a necessity.

It is sometimes frightening to trust my intuition.
It is always disastrous not to trust it.

Knowing when to quit may be my greatest victory.

It is not possible to live a rich, full life without friends.
I have to be one to have one.

Sometimes we just think too much!

No one else will arrange any quiet time for me.
I will have to see to it myself.

When we see how funny we are,
we see how dear we are.

By..Anne Wilson Schaef

Feelings too passionate.....

To feel things so intensely it hurts. This is an everyday thing for me. Happy or sad. Why are some of us wired to feel so deeply?

I really wish sometimes that I could just not feel. Then maybe I could think clearer. When things happen and emotion spins out of control you go numb. Do you laugh or do you cry.

I am beginning to think that this is why I cannot get control of my life. There is no happy medium. You feel every emotion to the core of your very being. It is one of the driving forces that tend to make me keep to myself. Why invite people to the madness.

On the rare occasion you feel grounded something happens. The carpet is pulled right out from under you. You are on your ass again. It is much better to suffer through this alone. This we all know is not a logical thought. But if I can't stand me why should anyone else.