~~~~~~Eyes~~~~~~

The eyes are staring intently into the mirror. Straining to see what others say they have seen in her. Comments such as what a pretty face, she so kind, very generous, so caring, so giving.

The eyes feel betrayed. Through the darkness all the eyes see is the scarred, broken shell of a spirit that was taken from her so long ago. Emotions of pain, fear, rage held deep within.

Conversation of the day......

Occupational choice has given me the pleasure of being able to take my children to and from school. I treasure these times. Today was such a day.

My youngest son is in the 8th grade. I drop him off everyday to school with four females. I am sure later in his life he will appreciate this. Right now not so much.

Afterschool the girls are all very chatty. His escapism it to put on his headphones and tunes them out. Conversation turned to the fact the 8th grade students had career day. They were able to go and talk with people from different professions.

At this point my son decides to join in the conversation. No suprise to me Kendall picked a chef and canine patrol with local law enforcement. He seems to be equally interested in both. He asked if this would be possible.

Sure why not I tell him. We start talking about the different areas of law enforcement. SWAT and the canine unit would interest him. But more than that he would like to serve in Iraq. Weapon of choice a sniper rifle.

Mom mode kicks in and out of my mouth comes, "Sorry Kendall the armed service is not an option." He then proceeds to ask why not. I explain to him the very real possiblitly that he might not return from the war in Iraq.

To which he responded, "I would be a war hero if that happened." How would I feel about that? Talk about fear striking your very being. All I could say to him is that I would be very very sad. That they might as well throw me in the ground too.

I know deep within my heart if this is what he would truly decide to do I couldn't stop him. He is thirteen and God willing when he is old enough the war would be over.

Balance zero................aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggg

There I was Saturday morning not so fresh from a very restless night of so called sleep. It seems to be escaping more and more these days.

So totally against my will I get up trying to be quite as to not wake the rest of the house. Bright idea pops into my head to pay some bills on the computer at 7:30a.m. No teeth brushing, splashing water on the face, eating or drinking something to maybe be somewhat more awake.

Oh no let's just get to the torture of bill paying. So I get the computer signed on and prepare to watch my bank account slowly evaporate. One of my monthly obligations right now is my son is taking a trip to Washington D.C. at the end of the school year.

The way it works is you pay to register the for the trip in November, make a payment in December and then the balance is due April 2008. The trip is $1,304.00 something like that. My genius plan is to divide the remainder and pay for it over the next four months.

Cuts down on the pain that way. I get everything all organized pay a couple little items via the internet. I move ever so assuredly to the this trip's website. Put in all my security info so that I make sure that I am making a payment on my son's trips.

I pull up the bill pay online option enter all the necessary information for my debit card. Mind you some of the fields are preloaded so that you have to change them or it takes the amount loaded. So I hit the enter button and get a return message of invalid card number.

So I return to the previous page and reenter all the debit card information again. Double check it before I hit the almighty button of no return. Everything appears to look fine. So satisfied I hit the button.

Up pops the following:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PAYMENT OF $729.00


I am numb. I had to be in shock. Okay Okay fine shock after a string of obscenities. Totally dumbstruck. So I call my BFF and tell her what I did. Totally beside myself I tell her how at this point I don't know if I should cry, laugh, start drinking. After all it is okay to drink heavily in situations like this.

Oh, but least we forget I just spent the drinking money! She suggested I call the bank. Did that was told I would have to deal with the merchant. Did that and the merchant is only open Monday thru Friday. Now I want my MOMMY! Guess what she is not home.

Being an adult sucks sometimes. My Mom called me back that afternoon. After I relived my tragic morning she asked me what I needed her to do. I told her the moral of my story was take your blood pressure medicine first have some breakfast little caffeine with the background noise of six children you think better with all that stimulation.

We had a good laugh and I told her that I would be calling them first thing Monday morning with my sob story. Which went something like I am a single mother of six children and did not intend to send you my whole paycheck.

The woman understood and we agreed a $200.00 payment was more my intention and she credited my checking account back the difference.