Ignorance is bliss.......

Without going into alot of what I do for a living the office I work in also has law enforcement types working there. In the seven years I have worked here I have gotten to know a few of them.

One being my on again off again male friend. Even though he no longer works here and has not for quite sometime his best friend does. The best friend has no idea that we have had any type of realtionship out of the office.

I know, I know you are thinking sure sure. But I am serious and I know this because recently I picked up some extra hours and came in early a couple of days ago and ran into this particular person. He always tells me to stay out of trouble.

So on this particular day as he is exiting the building he says to me "Whats up trouble." To which I reply nothing but do you know where I can get some. With that he comes back around to the window and asked me "What did you say?" I repeated my remark and he started laughing.

He proceeds to tell me that he knows that I have been out and about in the last six months tying one on with a female friend. So we banter back and forth and I assure him that I have not as I had been busy every week from the beginning of the year till early July helping my girlfriend pack and on her way to Boston.

This officer proceeds to tell me that our mutual friend called him. Informed him that he saw me out. To which I responded, "Oh really now?" I said sorry to disappoint. He needs to tell him he was wrong and next time if he is so sure it is me to come over,say hi and buy me a drink.

With that he tells me that he thinks this person and I should get together because "he thinks" we would have a great time. Sure sure I say I am far from his type. You officer guys like tooth pick magazine girls. He busts up laughing and says, "Oh whatever" as he laughs harder.

So tell me Mr. Funnyman why do you think your friend and I would be so good together. He talks about the fact when this person was working here we got along so good. But I tell him that is different it is work place friendship.

I remind him of all the stories he tells me about when he and this guy use to go out before they were married. How all the ladies were falling all over this guy. Who by the way is divorced now. That is why he is trying to hook us up which makes it painfully obvious that he has no clue about the reality of our relationship.

He proceeds to tell me how this person was serverely depressed after his divorce and that he has not dated anyone. How he and his wife had tried to set him up with a friend of hers and he said no.

So now he has it in his mind that he is going to call said friend and tell him that we need to go out. Knowing what I know I tell him you do that. So fellow bloggers lets see where this goes.

If you have read my previous blogs you know that it has been since May that I have spoken to "him." (The officer that is no longer working here) I am really looking forward to see how this all plays out and at what point will the mutual friend learn about the fact we have been having an on again off again friendship for the last two years.

Can you imagine the look on his face? I can! Because he is the type to think he is always in the know. That no one can get anything over on him. Man is he gonna be shocked.

If I didn't have this life.......

What would my life be like? What direction would it have taken. We are in this life because of choices. Shoulda,coulda,woulda. I wonder at times do I question my choices enough or even at all.

I seem at times to be in a forward motion. Watching life go by while I try to maintain status quo. Am I making good choices or just doing what I feel is the right thing to do.

Is my right thing to do right for those that my decisions affect? The "those" I would be referring to would be the minor children in my care. Until recently only included my three children.

My family of four has grown to a family of seven with the addition of my niece and two nephews. It is an eye opening experience for my children to see their cousins in action up close and personal.

They are living proof that you are a product of your enviroment. My choice for them to be with me affects us all. I hope that with this experience it teaches my own children to be tolerant of others. Beyond this thankful for what they have.

I am not saying thankful because I am the best mother life has to offer, but because of the life they have. Which came from choices good or bad that I have made for me, for them, for us.

Second time around.....

Well fellow bloggers it has happened. My sister had to give her children back to the foster care system. It was bound to happen sooner or later. August 10th, 2007 made it a year ago when they were returned to her. Six days after the year anniversary and they are in my care once again.

She could not even tell them that was what was going on. They had been evicted from their home the day my daughter graduated from college. But due to the fact I was busy with a death in the family I did not find out till the next day.

They were staying with the father of her two sons mom and dad. That is when conversations about what was going to happen began to occur. She is always living on some other plane of life than the rest of us. She began to talk about the game plan and how they could stay there as long as they needed. Soon the coversation sounded like blah blah blah in my head.

Tuesday night I get this call from him. (Him)is the father of the boys. He is calling me about some big decision that he has made. Keep in mind the children are wards of the state and my sister is considered the custodial parent upon their release.

So I state I will be out sometime the next day. Bascially it was to see if they return the children to the foster care system will I take care of them. Anyone who knows me will tell you without a doubt the answer is yes.

It amazes still how people have to concoct a story when the truth is enough. Have we not ever heard of the saying "The truth will set you free?" Obviously not. The saving grace I am hoping is that we have a new case worker. Please God let her be better than the last.

So needless to say the children have arrived with not much more than the clothes on their backs and vouchers from the state to get clothing. This is due to the eviction and all their stuff is locked in that apartment with promises from mommy and daddy to retreive it.

Being blessed enough to have friends that do emergency foster care placement till my paperwork can be reenstated I have access to the children and they don't have to be scared of what lies ahead of them. They know they will be taken care of.

Only time will tell where this journey leads......

Looking in the mirror

That is what it is like to see my youngest son. Albeit the man version of me. At thirteen he is more self assurd than I. He has blue eyes that dance with excitement.
You look at him and feel alive even at the darkest of times.

Being the youngest of my three children I at times feel he gets the short end of the deal. His siblings will tell you different. They say he is spoiled and a brat. I tell them he is misunderstood. Which they respond with eyes rolling and walk away.

He stands in between being a young man and a boy. Unlike his brother who seem to quietly pass from his childhood into being a young man he is going kicking and screaming. Evidence of this comes when in the midst of discussion, rather heated I might add. He turns to me and with the most serious look on his face shouts at me "EVER HEARD OF PUBERTY!"

My youngest son is built like a football player. At thirteen he is five six and wears a size ten shoe. He is a force to be reckoned with. But at the heart of his being a gentle giant. You see displays of this when he gets down on the floor to try and sooth one my unhappy daycare children.

Those who know him will tell you he holds nothing back. He will tell his siblings in a heart beat. "I was not talking to you I was talking to mom." His teachers always have good things to say about him and they all agree and wish he would talk more during class discussions. Both my sons possess this trait of not being comfortable in a classroom setting. Not confident enough in their intellectual abilities.

He always seems to have a golden nugget for one or two of his teachers that just reaffirm why they are teachers. When he was in fifth grade the very last day of school. His teacher turned to find him standing there. He reached out and gave her a big hug and told her he loved her and was gonna miss her. Last year his spanish teacher couldn't speak enough on his manners. Always the gentleman holding the door for her without fail everyday.

Through the trails of this summer and God knows there have been many. I have come to the realization that I do not have to look further than my own three children to define my success.

Graduation Day ........Bittersweet

You ever watch one of those movies where the person appears to be floating through the scene. Well that would be a good way to describe the events of yesterday.

My daughter graduated from college yesterday. The very first in our family to receive a degree. So those of you that have kept up with my blog are aware of the events prior to our big day.

Her grandfather is terminally ill and so it has been hard to decide what we are doing on a daily basis verus trying to put together any kind of celebration for such a big life event.

So pretty much last minute plans were we would get together after the ceremony at my house with close friends and family that is here in town. Everyone else would be here with us in spirit.

We spent the week visiting with her grandfather at the hospice house he was staying at. He seemed to lose a little everyday of his battle to live. All close to us were pretty much saying that he would probably pass on her big day. I prayed please God do not let that happen.

Friday comes and he is stil hanging in there. All hope is that he makes till Saturday. Ok ok I am putting my own hopes in this. I am running around like crazy.
Things start off and that is about the end of calm and organization.

From there the morning is fastly spiraling out of control. I go to pick up the balloons I ordered for the party. They are not ready and cannot find the order. Mind you I am supposing to be picking up a cake within the hour.

So after they call for an all hands on deck to get my balloons before I pop like a very loud one I am on my way. Call the cake lady and tell her sorry I am running late but will be there as soon as I can.

So I drop of the balloons by the house. At this point I am now barking instructions as I am going out the door. Reminder to myself next time tell the party girl she is to be getting dressed and not mixed in with the frenzy to get everything ready.

I say this because as I am pullig up to the cake lady's house I get a phone call. It is my sister. She is telling me that my daughter has sliced her finger and that she needs stitches. Are you kidding me is all I could say with a few more explicit words.

She assures me that she is not and I tell her where to take her and call me as soon as they know something. So I get the cake picked up and because it is made with whipped cream and strawberries it has be refridgerated. So I call my sister and ask what is going on and did they explain to the people that is is truly an emergency as she is graduating college today.

Yes yes is the response. I am saddened as I am missing my daughters first stitches in her twenty something years. If nothing I am always mom first an foremost. Five total for her little finger. Only person I know that would have to draw blood just to get a dipolma.

From there my sister rushes her home, we dress her quickly and gather our things and we are out the door. My daughter's best friend has graciously offered to take pictures. So we pose for a few photo ops because it was sweltering outside.

All the rest of us go and get seats. Yeah! We are able to sit right above where they will be walking in. We had fourteen in her cheering section. Her brothers were armed with the canned version of airhorns. Me I am loud enough on my own. I am sure there are a few out there whos hearing has not returned from her high school gradution.

All goes well with lots of cheering and noise making. My newphew ever the force to be reckon with flips his shoe off and drops okay more like throws down into the sea of graduates exiting the civic center. No doubt hits one of them on top of his cap. Lovely Tre I am sure the guy will appreciate the memory.

So we all exit take some more pics and home. I make a breif stop to get some champagne. I as pull in the drive I get the call that grandpa is not doing well. So I let my daughter know. We get into the house and the air which has been going down for a long time is struggling to cool the house.

People start arriving and the second call comes and her grandfather has passed. Off we go her and I to the hospice house. The very thing we all did not want to happen has. We arrived about fifteen minutes after he has passed and there we would remain till late into the night.

Back at my house my friend along with my daughters best friend clean up and put all the food away. They make our apologies and send people on their way with a promise to regroup and try again in the next couple of days. Especially since her father is at the hospice house with fifty pieces of chicken that he was enroute to our house with when he decided he better stop and check on his dad.

In spite of all the obstacles that have laid before you from the very day you were born you have succeeded in being the first to graduate college. With this success you should know that all is possible and life awaits you. In closing my child I love you very much and I am very proud of the young lady you have become.

Circling the drain......

Really people I am trying to keep my head above water. Or at least my brain from slipping into some psychosis. By definition it is sounding better all the time.

I feel like I have such a weight sitting on my chest that is could crush me at any moment. The constant dull headach that never seems to go away. The on swith that drives me is stuck on high during the week. By Friday night I am struggling.

I went Friday night and visited my ex father in law and sure enough he appeared to recognize me. He can speak with slurred speech, but with enough formed words to figure out what he is saying. It is very sad to see this once larger than life man laying there.

Rolling into Saturday I did some things around the house. My desire is limited. Saturday night a chance to escape reality first by voluntering at the local community theatre. I had a really great time. Expanding my horizons tends to be keep people guessing.

While my phone was on mute from the world a girlfriend of mine called. So I returned her call only to end up driving around till the wee hours of the morn. Which was totally fine since we were dealing with her issues of divorce and not mine.

But oh how quickly reality tends to jump back in your face when Sunday morning rolls around. The warrior that threatens to destroy all that I am comes calling for what he hopes to be his foot soldiers. I dread these Sundays. It is very clear he is trying to prove he is a good father.

So today he comes and picks up the boys. He has to make sure that he tells them that he is parked out front in the blue car. That is the calling card to "Heys guys I got a new car." Because for Christ Sake that would not recognize the man sitting in the car at the curb as their father. What kind of crap is that.

The crap is that my thirty days to respond was Friday and I have not hired an attorney to date. So I guess he is confident that things will go his way. In his celebration of himself he bought a car. Psychosis....a mental disorder characterized by symptoms such as, delusions or hallucinations. Is that not what this is? If not does it not sound better than this reality?

and so it goes.......

I thought I would take a few minutes and blog some of my latest happenings. When I say take I mean take. Life is just spinning in several different directions with sadness and blessings.

My ex father in law has knocked at death's door once again this week sending all in a panic only for him to be sitting up the next day and talking. Mind you he has barely uttered a word in the last week. I am thankful in a sense that I think his son has some unfinished business and is quietly grateful for the bouts of lucidy.

The same night we all rush to his beside, a blessing. My sister lives in Minneapolis and is devout traveler of the bridge that collasped. I had stepped out to take a phone call to only walk back in to the his room and all over his 50 inch plasma hdtv is the breaking news. So I am hitting the button on my cell to dial my sister's home phone.

Needless to say it was busy so I try the cell. I reach her and even though she cannot hear me I know she is okay. She hangs up and calls me back. I said I was calling to make sure she and her gf are ok and to call mom. I honestly think she was
in shock.

She had left work just before six. She was headed to the the usual route home but something made her decide she was not in the mood for the traffic and the construction so she took an adjacent route. She said she heard the crash and saw the smoke. But did not realize what had happened till her route home took her closer and she saw it.

So we quitely thank God for this blessing and pray for those who were not so lucky. From there you reevlauate your life and realize it is not so bad. In this enlightenment her partner said to her, so how does working from home now look and I tell her I think that is omen that they should move here. But you can't run away you can only pursue life. In that comes the good and the bad.

I spoke with my mother to make sure that my sister had called her only to hear some not so good news. It is suspected that my mother has a couple of blood clots in her legs with no course of action set in stone yet. My mother found out that same day that her brother has an aggressive bladder cancer. As of today the news regarding this situtation has not gotten any better.

Moving on regarding the weeks ups and downs I have heard from the second real estate person I had out. I would say the news is good since when she walked in and said, first off I can tell you this house even in good shape is not worth 170k. Her professional analysis of the property is that it would go between 110 and 115k.

In my attempt for some escapism from the crisis that is never ending right now I took the daycare children and my son swimming yesterday. I am about sure that he broke his little toe. It is all bruised and very painful for him to move. But over all it was a good time with overdue quality time with him.

I have also rediscovered something I rather enjoyed during my high school years. Low and behold Harlequin has come back into my life. What a truly delightful way to get lost if only for awhile. And so it goes.......