I am sure we all have those people in our lives that just the mention of their name sends into some kind of panic.
For me it would be my second husband. We have been separated for the last seven years. Believe me the divorce is impending. The dissolution has not taken place for numerous reasons, but not due to the lack of trying
I am beginning to think that the reason I cannot seem to form cognitive thought when issues arise involving him is that he has replaced the monster in my dreams. There are is abuse on a level different from the monster but just as devasting.
We have been married 17-18 years and I am tired. Too tired to fight. For me to be free and take back what he as taken will be the ultimate fight. He is so deep in my mind. I cannot remember when he began to exist and the me began to fade away.
The purgatory in which I live is numbing to say the least. I am constantly second guessing myself. To the point that at times I begin to believe that which he has embedded within to be true.
The latest of his mind games was he wanted to settle without attornies and when I balked he was pissed. So now he has sent me an email letting me know that he has retained an attorney. Yes I said an email as he cannot tell me to my face. I am dancing as fast as I can.
Last night as I drove down a dark road I found it to be oddly comforting. I wonder if it is a sign that there will be peace and comfort only when all is dark.
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3 comments:
what the F*CK are you talking about??? Peace when all is dark? God damnit L you best not be thinking of something stupid! He is so not worth it!
I'm with her, dear. Life's messy. Smile, play things as they lay, and show him that he doesn't know who he's fucking with. And make no mistake, you ARE stronger than him and better than him. You will beat this. And when the dust settles, you will leave him the broken man he deserves to be. It's all inside you. And if you don't know that by now or have simple have forgotten that, look around and see all of the people around you, listen to their cheers...and feel their love. You are going to be just fine.
well said Hal!!!!
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