The things we bond with our children over. I am sure there are many other mothers in my same predicament. Meerkat Manor is a show that my youngest son and I have watched together on seveal occasions.
He has been watching since the show started in 2000 and the the "Queen of the Kalahari" was born, affectionately known as "Flower." For those not familiar it is a reality show on Animal Planet.
My son seemed a little more somber than ususal on Saturday. Could quite put my finger on what was going on with him. He and his brother had visit with their dad. Came home and just kinda of kept to himself.
His cousins with the exception of the youngest was outside and big brother and big sis were working. As I sat in my chair half watching my nephew and surfing the computer. My son was on the house computer behind me.
He asked me to turn and look at the screen,where he had pulled a web page. The page was a tribute to "Flower." She had died in the epsidode that aired on Friday. Talk about feeling like you have just lost the family pet.
My son was devasted. My heartbroke for him. We cried off and on Saturday night. I was even sadder that he had watched the Friday show without me. His wish was to find some way to give a fitting tribute to her. As I listened to him talk the beauty of his soul was revealed. In typical fashion of my son he decided to name a "World of Warcraft" character for her.
I asked if he would still continue to watch the show. He doesn't know if he will. He felt the show could have done something to help her. I had to explain that when filming is done in the wild they have a policy. The policy is not to disturb the natural balance of things.
This is truly one of the priceless parenting moments to know he felt comfortable to share his sorrow with me.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
My brown eyed boy.......
I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. We met when we were both still young and naive. It was our senior year in high school and I had transferred to your school. You were in my homeroom, but I would not know that till much later.
Your mom would be the one to introduce us formally. I saw you that day when a car came barreling down our normally quite street dragging a man. All the neighbors came running. You with your blonde hair and brown eyes. I thought you were the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.
After all the commotion I was talking to my neighbor and another woman about what had happened and about the very cute blonde hair guy. The lady started to laugh and proclaimed that is my son you are talking about. I could have died right then and there. About that time you rounded the corner in your dune buggy.
Your mom waived you over and introduced us. Of course being of fair complexion I am sure that you thought something was wrong we me. I was bright red. When you smiled at me so did your eyes. That night you took me for a dune buggy ride. I would not believe anyone if they would have foretold of that summer.
A love affair that would carry on for several years after. Whether it was through letters, phone calls and the occasional face to face meeting. It amazes me how I remember the details so vividly like it was yesterday. Maybe I should put pen to paper and share the intimate details in one of those trashy chick novels.
Maybe one of these days I will get up the nerve to call you or email you and get to see those brown eyes again.
Your mom would be the one to introduce us formally. I saw you that day when a car came barreling down our normally quite street dragging a man. All the neighbors came running. You with your blonde hair and brown eyes. I thought you were the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.
After all the commotion I was talking to my neighbor and another woman about what had happened and about the very cute blonde hair guy. The lady started to laugh and proclaimed that is my son you are talking about. I could have died right then and there. About that time you rounded the corner in your dune buggy.
Your mom waived you over and introduced us. Of course being of fair complexion I am sure that you thought something was wrong we me. I was bright red. When you smiled at me so did your eyes. That night you took me for a dune buggy ride. I would not believe anyone if they would have foretold of that summer.
A love affair that would carry on for several years after. Whether it was through letters, phone calls and the occasional face to face meeting. It amazes me how I remember the details so vividly like it was yesterday. Maybe I should put pen to paper and share the intimate details in one of those trashy chick novels.
Maybe one of these days I will get up the nerve to call you or email you and get to see those brown eyes again.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Bridget Jones is my girl.......
Ok I am a total Bridget Jones Diary fan. I love love love the movie. Renee Zellweger in that movie is great. I can relate to her. I have both movies but cannot resist watching when it is on tv. If I am channel surfing and it is on. I am watching. Crazy I know.
But the line in the movie that drives it all home for me is when Colin Firth's character (Marc Darcy) tells her "that he likes her just the way she is." I think about this often. I have come to the conclusion that this is what I want in my life. Someone that "likes me just the way I am."
I see it everyday. Couples that to us on the outside appear to be oddly matched. We wonder what the more attractive partner sees in the less attractive partner. Our perception of this anyway since it does not enter between the two. Unless you think like I do. I use to think this of the ex to be and myself. Not what I saw in him but what he saw in me.
It has taken me along time to be comfortable in my own skin. I am still my own worst critic but who isn't. So now I think to myself will I find that person for me? Whether I am dressed to the tens or just pull on t-shirt pair of jeans with no make up and pull my hair back. Or has that chance passed me by already.
Whether Mr.Darcy shows up or not maybe the person that is meant to "like me" for me is myself.
But the line in the movie that drives it all home for me is when Colin Firth's character (Marc Darcy) tells her "that he likes her just the way she is." I think about this often. I have come to the conclusion that this is what I want in my life. Someone that "likes me just the way I am."
I see it everyday. Couples that to us on the outside appear to be oddly matched. We wonder what the more attractive partner sees in the less attractive partner. Our perception of this anyway since it does not enter between the two. Unless you think like I do. I use to think this of the ex to be and myself. Not what I saw in him but what he saw in me.
It has taken me along time to be comfortable in my own skin. I am still my own worst critic but who isn't. So now I think to myself will I find that person for me? Whether I am dressed to the tens or just pull on t-shirt pair of jeans with no make up and pull my hair back. Or has that chance passed me by already.
Whether Mr.Darcy shows up or not maybe the person that is meant to "like me" for me is myself.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
I dreamed of you again.......
In October it will be a year that you left me. Yes I say me, because I know truth be told I pulled away along time ago. For whatever reason, out what I thought was respect for the new wife or just some sense of stupidity.
It was very vivid dream we were walking talking and laughing. You called me your buddy said you could tell me anything. Are you trying to tell me something now? I am not sure where the big ole car came from in my dream. That was odd.
I miss you more each day and the one thing that kept the feeling that you were here if only in spirit has gone and is now with you. All that is left is your earthly belongings and soon they will be gone too.
It has been awhile since I have dreamed of you. I am happy and sad all at the same time. Your son wants me to be there to help go through things. I am not sure that I can do this. I find comfort just to sit there and think about all the memories. Twenty five years other than immeadiate family is the longest relationship I have ever had.
I am thankful everyday that I was there to hold your hand and tell you that I loved you. You were as close to me as my own mother. I thought of you as mom, but never spoke it for fear of upsetting others. That is the unfortunate thing some of us do, is worry about others needs instead of our own.
Till we meet again in my dreams...missing you.....more everyday.....
It was very vivid dream we were walking talking and laughing. You called me your buddy said you could tell me anything. Are you trying to tell me something now? I am not sure where the big ole car came from in my dream. That was odd.
I miss you more each day and the one thing that kept the feeling that you were here if only in spirit has gone and is now with you. All that is left is your earthly belongings and soon they will be gone too.
It has been awhile since I have dreamed of you. I am happy and sad all at the same time. Your son wants me to be there to help go through things. I am not sure that I can do this. I find comfort just to sit there and think about all the memories. Twenty five years other than immeadiate family is the longest relationship I have ever had.
I am thankful everyday that I was there to hold your hand and tell you that I loved you. You were as close to me as my own mother. I thought of you as mom, but never spoke it for fear of upsetting others. That is the unfortunate thing some of us do, is worry about others needs instead of our own.
Till we meet again in my dreams...missing you.....more everyday.....
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Ignorance is bliss.......
Without going into alot of what I do for a living the office I work in also has law enforcement types working there. In the seven years I have worked here I have gotten to know a few of them.
One being my on again off again male friend. Even though he no longer works here and has not for quite sometime his best friend does. The best friend has no idea that we have had any type of realtionship out of the office.
I know, I know you are thinking sure sure. But I am serious and I know this because recently I picked up some extra hours and came in early a couple of days ago and ran into this particular person. He always tells me to stay out of trouble.
So on this particular day as he is exiting the building he says to me "Whats up trouble." To which I reply nothing but do you know where I can get some. With that he comes back around to the window and asked me "What did you say?" I repeated my remark and he started laughing.
He proceeds to tell me that he knows that I have been out and about in the last six months tying one on with a female friend. So we banter back and forth and I assure him that I have not as I had been busy every week from the beginning of the year till early July helping my girlfriend pack and on her way to Boston.
This officer proceeds to tell me that our mutual friend called him. Informed him that he saw me out. To which I responded, "Oh really now?" I said sorry to disappoint. He needs to tell him he was wrong and next time if he is so sure it is me to come over,say hi and buy me a drink.
With that he tells me that he thinks this person and I should get together because "he thinks" we would have a great time. Sure sure I say I am far from his type. You officer guys like tooth pick magazine girls. He busts up laughing and says, "Oh whatever" as he laughs harder.
So tell me Mr. Funnyman why do you think your friend and I would be so good together. He talks about the fact when this person was working here we got along so good. But I tell him that is different it is work place friendship.
I remind him of all the stories he tells me about when he and this guy use to go out before they were married. How all the ladies were falling all over this guy. Who by the way is divorced now. That is why he is trying to hook us up which makes it painfully obvious that he has no clue about the reality of our relationship.
He proceeds to tell me how this person was serverely depressed after his divorce and that he has not dated anyone. How he and his wife had tried to set him up with a friend of hers and he said no.
So now he has it in his mind that he is going to call said friend and tell him that we need to go out. Knowing what I know I tell him you do that. So fellow bloggers lets see where this goes.
If you have read my previous blogs you know that it has been since May that I have spoken to "him." (The officer that is no longer working here) I am really looking forward to see how this all plays out and at what point will the mutual friend learn about the fact we have been having an on again off again friendship for the last two years.
Can you imagine the look on his face? I can! Because he is the type to think he is always in the know. That no one can get anything over on him. Man is he gonna be shocked.
One being my on again off again male friend. Even though he no longer works here and has not for quite sometime his best friend does. The best friend has no idea that we have had any type of realtionship out of the office.
I know, I know you are thinking sure sure. But I am serious and I know this because recently I picked up some extra hours and came in early a couple of days ago and ran into this particular person. He always tells me to stay out of trouble.
So on this particular day as he is exiting the building he says to me "Whats up trouble." To which I reply nothing but do you know where I can get some. With that he comes back around to the window and asked me "What did you say?" I repeated my remark and he started laughing.
He proceeds to tell me that he knows that I have been out and about in the last six months tying one on with a female friend. So we banter back and forth and I assure him that I have not as I had been busy every week from the beginning of the year till early July helping my girlfriend pack and on her way to Boston.
This officer proceeds to tell me that our mutual friend called him. Informed him that he saw me out. To which I responded, "Oh really now?" I said sorry to disappoint. He needs to tell him he was wrong and next time if he is so sure it is me to come over,say hi and buy me a drink.
With that he tells me that he thinks this person and I should get together because "he thinks" we would have a great time. Sure sure I say I am far from his type. You officer guys like tooth pick magazine girls. He busts up laughing and says, "Oh whatever" as he laughs harder.
So tell me Mr. Funnyman why do you think your friend and I would be so good together. He talks about the fact when this person was working here we got along so good. But I tell him that is different it is work place friendship.
I remind him of all the stories he tells me about when he and this guy use to go out before they were married. How all the ladies were falling all over this guy. Who by the way is divorced now. That is why he is trying to hook us up which makes it painfully obvious that he has no clue about the reality of our relationship.
He proceeds to tell me how this person was serverely depressed after his divorce and that he has not dated anyone. How he and his wife had tried to set him up with a friend of hers and he said no.
So now he has it in his mind that he is going to call said friend and tell him that we need to go out. Knowing what I know I tell him you do that. So fellow bloggers lets see where this goes.
If you have read my previous blogs you know that it has been since May that I have spoken to "him." (The officer that is no longer working here) I am really looking forward to see how this all plays out and at what point will the mutual friend learn about the fact we have been having an on again off again friendship for the last two years.
Can you imagine the look on his face? I can! Because he is the type to think he is always in the know. That no one can get anything over on him. Man is he gonna be shocked.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
If I didn't have this life.......
What would my life be like? What direction would it have taken. We are in this life because of choices. Shoulda,coulda,woulda. I wonder at times do I question my choices enough or even at all.
I seem at times to be in a forward motion. Watching life go by while I try to maintain status quo. Am I making good choices or just doing what I feel is the right thing to do.
Is my right thing to do right for those that my decisions affect? The "those" I would be referring to would be the minor children in my care. Until recently only included my three children.
My family of four has grown to a family of seven with the addition of my niece and two nephews. It is an eye opening experience for my children to see their cousins in action up close and personal.
They are living proof that you are a product of your enviroment. My choice for them to be with me affects us all. I hope that with this experience it teaches my own children to be tolerant of others. Beyond this thankful for what they have.
I am not saying thankful because I am the best mother life has to offer, but because of the life they have. Which came from choices good or bad that I have made for me, for them, for us.
I seem at times to be in a forward motion. Watching life go by while I try to maintain status quo. Am I making good choices or just doing what I feel is the right thing to do.
Is my right thing to do right for those that my decisions affect? The "those" I would be referring to would be the minor children in my care. Until recently only included my three children.
My family of four has grown to a family of seven with the addition of my niece and two nephews. It is an eye opening experience for my children to see their cousins in action up close and personal.
They are living proof that you are a product of your enviroment. My choice for them to be with me affects us all. I hope that with this experience it teaches my own children to be tolerant of others. Beyond this thankful for what they have.
I am not saying thankful because I am the best mother life has to offer, but because of the life they have. Which came from choices good or bad that I have made for me, for them, for us.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Second time around.....
Well fellow bloggers it has happened. My sister had to give her children back to the foster care system. It was bound to happen sooner or later. August 10th, 2007 made it a year ago when they were returned to her. Six days after the year anniversary and they are in my care once again.
She could not even tell them that was what was going on. They had been evicted from their home the day my daughter graduated from college. But due to the fact I was busy with a death in the family I did not find out till the next day.
They were staying with the father of her two sons mom and dad. That is when conversations about what was going to happen began to occur. She is always living on some other plane of life than the rest of us. She began to talk about the game plan and how they could stay there as long as they needed. Soon the coversation sounded like blah blah blah in my head.
Tuesday night I get this call from him. (Him)is the father of the boys. He is calling me about some big decision that he has made. Keep in mind the children are wards of the state and my sister is considered the custodial parent upon their release.
So I state I will be out sometime the next day. Bascially it was to see if they return the children to the foster care system will I take care of them. Anyone who knows me will tell you without a doubt the answer is yes.
It amazes still how people have to concoct a story when the truth is enough. Have we not ever heard of the saying "The truth will set you free?" Obviously not. The saving grace I am hoping is that we have a new case worker. Please God let her be better than the last.
So needless to say the children have arrived with not much more than the clothes on their backs and vouchers from the state to get clothing. This is due to the eviction and all their stuff is locked in that apartment with promises from mommy and daddy to retreive it.
Being blessed enough to have friends that do emergency foster care placement till my paperwork can be reenstated I have access to the children and they don't have to be scared of what lies ahead of them. They know they will be taken care of.
Only time will tell where this journey leads......
She could not even tell them that was what was going on. They had been evicted from their home the day my daughter graduated from college. But due to the fact I was busy with a death in the family I did not find out till the next day.
They were staying with the father of her two sons mom and dad. That is when conversations about what was going to happen began to occur. She is always living on some other plane of life than the rest of us. She began to talk about the game plan and how they could stay there as long as they needed. Soon the coversation sounded like blah blah blah in my head.
Tuesday night I get this call from him. (Him)is the father of the boys. He is calling me about some big decision that he has made. Keep in mind the children are wards of the state and my sister is considered the custodial parent upon their release.
So I state I will be out sometime the next day. Bascially it was to see if they return the children to the foster care system will I take care of them. Anyone who knows me will tell you without a doubt the answer is yes.
It amazes still how people have to concoct a story when the truth is enough. Have we not ever heard of the saying "The truth will set you free?" Obviously not. The saving grace I am hoping is that we have a new case worker. Please God let her be better than the last.
So needless to say the children have arrived with not much more than the clothes on their backs and vouchers from the state to get clothing. This is due to the eviction and all their stuff is locked in that apartment with promises from mommy and daddy to retreive it.
Being blessed enough to have friends that do emergency foster care placement till my paperwork can be reenstated I have access to the children and they don't have to be scared of what lies ahead of them. They know they will be taken care of.
Only time will tell where this journey leads......
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Looking in the mirror
That is what it is like to see my youngest son. Albeit the man version of me. At thirteen he is more self assurd than I. He has blue eyes that dance with excitement.
You look at him and feel alive even at the darkest of times.
Being the youngest of my three children I at times feel he gets the short end of the deal. His siblings will tell you different. They say he is spoiled and a brat. I tell them he is misunderstood. Which they respond with eyes rolling and walk away.
He stands in between being a young man and a boy. Unlike his brother who seem to quietly pass from his childhood into being a young man he is going kicking and screaming. Evidence of this comes when in the midst of discussion, rather heated I might add. He turns to me and with the most serious look on his face shouts at me "EVER HEARD OF PUBERTY!"
My youngest son is built like a football player. At thirteen he is five six and wears a size ten shoe. He is a force to be reckoned with. But at the heart of his being a gentle giant. You see displays of this when he gets down on the floor to try and sooth one my unhappy daycare children.
Those who know him will tell you he holds nothing back. He will tell his siblings in a heart beat. "I was not talking to you I was talking to mom." His teachers always have good things to say about him and they all agree and wish he would talk more during class discussions. Both my sons possess this trait of not being comfortable in a classroom setting. Not confident enough in their intellectual abilities.
He always seems to have a golden nugget for one or two of his teachers that just reaffirm why they are teachers. When he was in fifth grade the very last day of school. His teacher turned to find him standing there. He reached out and gave her a big hug and told her he loved her and was gonna miss her. Last year his spanish teacher couldn't speak enough on his manners. Always the gentleman holding the door for her without fail everyday.
Through the trails of this summer and God knows there have been many. I have come to the realization that I do not have to look further than my own three children to define my success.
You look at him and feel alive even at the darkest of times.
Being the youngest of my three children I at times feel he gets the short end of the deal. His siblings will tell you different. They say he is spoiled and a brat. I tell them he is misunderstood. Which they respond with eyes rolling and walk away.
He stands in between being a young man and a boy. Unlike his brother who seem to quietly pass from his childhood into being a young man he is going kicking and screaming. Evidence of this comes when in the midst of discussion, rather heated I might add. He turns to me and with the most serious look on his face shouts at me "EVER HEARD OF PUBERTY!"
My youngest son is built like a football player. At thirteen he is five six and wears a size ten shoe. He is a force to be reckoned with. But at the heart of his being a gentle giant. You see displays of this when he gets down on the floor to try and sooth one my unhappy daycare children.
Those who know him will tell you he holds nothing back. He will tell his siblings in a heart beat. "I was not talking to you I was talking to mom." His teachers always have good things to say about him and they all agree and wish he would talk more during class discussions. Both my sons possess this trait of not being comfortable in a classroom setting. Not confident enough in their intellectual abilities.
He always seems to have a golden nugget for one or two of his teachers that just reaffirm why they are teachers. When he was in fifth grade the very last day of school. His teacher turned to find him standing there. He reached out and gave her a big hug and told her he loved her and was gonna miss her. Last year his spanish teacher couldn't speak enough on his manners. Always the gentleman holding the door for her without fail everyday.
Through the trails of this summer and God knows there have been many. I have come to the realization that I do not have to look further than my own three children to define my success.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Graduation Day ........Bittersweet
You ever watch one of those movies where the person appears to be floating through the scene. Well that would be a good way to describe the events of yesterday.
My daughter graduated from college yesterday. The very first in our family to receive a degree. So those of you that have kept up with my blog are aware of the events prior to our big day.
Her grandfather is terminally ill and so it has been hard to decide what we are doing on a daily basis verus trying to put together any kind of celebration for such a big life event.
So pretty much last minute plans were we would get together after the ceremony at my house with close friends and family that is here in town. Everyone else would be here with us in spirit.
We spent the week visiting with her grandfather at the hospice house he was staying at. He seemed to lose a little everyday of his battle to live. All close to us were pretty much saying that he would probably pass on her big day. I prayed please God do not let that happen.
Friday comes and he is stil hanging in there. All hope is that he makes till Saturday. Ok ok I am putting my own hopes in this. I am running around like crazy.
Things start off and that is about the end of calm and organization.
From there the morning is fastly spiraling out of control. I go to pick up the balloons I ordered for the party. They are not ready and cannot find the order. Mind you I am supposing to be picking up a cake within the hour.
So after they call for an all hands on deck to get my balloons before I pop like a very loud one I am on my way. Call the cake lady and tell her sorry I am running late but will be there as soon as I can.
So I drop of the balloons by the house. At this point I am now barking instructions as I am going out the door. Reminder to myself next time tell the party girl she is to be getting dressed and not mixed in with the frenzy to get everything ready.
I say this because as I am pullig up to the cake lady's house I get a phone call. It is my sister. She is telling me that my daughter has sliced her finger and that she needs stitches. Are you kidding me is all I could say with a few more explicit words.
She assures me that she is not and I tell her where to take her and call me as soon as they know something. So I get the cake picked up and because it is made with whipped cream and strawberries it has be refridgerated. So I call my sister and ask what is going on and did they explain to the people that is is truly an emergency as she is graduating college today.
Yes yes is the response. I am saddened as I am missing my daughters first stitches in her twenty something years. If nothing I am always mom first an foremost. Five total for her little finger. Only person I know that would have to draw blood just to get a dipolma.
From there my sister rushes her home, we dress her quickly and gather our things and we are out the door. My daughter's best friend has graciously offered to take pictures. So we pose for a few photo ops because it was sweltering outside.
All the rest of us go and get seats. Yeah! We are able to sit right above where they will be walking in. We had fourteen in her cheering section. Her brothers were armed with the canned version of airhorns. Me I am loud enough on my own. I am sure there are a few out there whos hearing has not returned from her high school gradution.
All goes well with lots of cheering and noise making. My newphew ever the force to be reckon with flips his shoe off and drops okay more like throws down into the sea of graduates exiting the civic center. No doubt hits one of them on top of his cap. Lovely Tre I am sure the guy will appreciate the memory.
So we all exit take some more pics and home. I make a breif stop to get some champagne. I as pull in the drive I get the call that grandpa is not doing well. So I let my daughter know. We get into the house and the air which has been going down for a long time is struggling to cool the house.
People start arriving and the second call comes and her grandfather has passed. Off we go her and I to the hospice house. The very thing we all did not want to happen has. We arrived about fifteen minutes after he has passed and there we would remain till late into the night.
Back at my house my friend along with my daughters best friend clean up and put all the food away. They make our apologies and send people on their way with a promise to regroup and try again in the next couple of days. Especially since her father is at the hospice house with fifty pieces of chicken that he was enroute to our house with when he decided he better stop and check on his dad.
In spite of all the obstacles that have laid before you from the very day you were born you have succeeded in being the first to graduate college. With this success you should know that all is possible and life awaits you. In closing my child I love you very much and I am very proud of the young lady you have become.
My daughter graduated from college yesterday. The very first in our family to receive a degree. So those of you that have kept up with my blog are aware of the events prior to our big day.
Her grandfather is terminally ill and so it has been hard to decide what we are doing on a daily basis verus trying to put together any kind of celebration for such a big life event.
So pretty much last minute plans were we would get together after the ceremony at my house with close friends and family that is here in town. Everyone else would be here with us in spirit.
We spent the week visiting with her grandfather at the hospice house he was staying at. He seemed to lose a little everyday of his battle to live. All close to us were pretty much saying that he would probably pass on her big day. I prayed please God do not let that happen.
Friday comes and he is stil hanging in there. All hope is that he makes till Saturday. Ok ok I am putting my own hopes in this. I am running around like crazy.
Things start off and that is about the end of calm and organization.
From there the morning is fastly spiraling out of control. I go to pick up the balloons I ordered for the party. They are not ready and cannot find the order. Mind you I am supposing to be picking up a cake within the hour.
So after they call for an all hands on deck to get my balloons before I pop like a very loud one I am on my way. Call the cake lady and tell her sorry I am running late but will be there as soon as I can.
So I drop of the balloons by the house. At this point I am now barking instructions as I am going out the door. Reminder to myself next time tell the party girl she is to be getting dressed and not mixed in with the frenzy to get everything ready.
I say this because as I am pullig up to the cake lady's house I get a phone call. It is my sister. She is telling me that my daughter has sliced her finger and that she needs stitches. Are you kidding me is all I could say with a few more explicit words.
She assures me that she is not and I tell her where to take her and call me as soon as they know something. So I get the cake picked up and because it is made with whipped cream and strawberries it has be refridgerated. So I call my sister and ask what is going on and did they explain to the people that is is truly an emergency as she is graduating college today.
Yes yes is the response. I am saddened as I am missing my daughters first stitches in her twenty something years. If nothing I am always mom first an foremost. Five total for her little finger. Only person I know that would have to draw blood just to get a dipolma.
From there my sister rushes her home, we dress her quickly and gather our things and we are out the door. My daughter's best friend has graciously offered to take pictures. So we pose for a few photo ops because it was sweltering outside.
All the rest of us go and get seats. Yeah! We are able to sit right above where they will be walking in. We had fourteen in her cheering section. Her brothers were armed with the canned version of airhorns. Me I am loud enough on my own. I am sure there are a few out there whos hearing has not returned from her high school gradution.
All goes well with lots of cheering and noise making. My newphew ever the force to be reckon with flips his shoe off and drops okay more like throws down into the sea of graduates exiting the civic center. No doubt hits one of them on top of his cap. Lovely Tre I am sure the guy will appreciate the memory.
So we all exit take some more pics and home. I make a breif stop to get some champagne. I as pull in the drive I get the call that grandpa is not doing well. So I let my daughter know. We get into the house and the air which has been going down for a long time is struggling to cool the house.
People start arriving and the second call comes and her grandfather has passed. Off we go her and I to the hospice house. The very thing we all did not want to happen has. We arrived about fifteen minutes after he has passed and there we would remain till late into the night.
Back at my house my friend along with my daughters best friend clean up and put all the food away. They make our apologies and send people on their way with a promise to regroup and try again in the next couple of days. Especially since her father is at the hospice house with fifty pieces of chicken that he was enroute to our house with when he decided he better stop and check on his dad.
In spite of all the obstacles that have laid before you from the very day you were born you have succeeded in being the first to graduate college. With this success you should know that all is possible and life awaits you. In closing my child I love you very much and I am very proud of the young lady you have become.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Circling the drain......
Really people I am trying to keep my head above water. Or at least my brain from slipping into some psychosis. By definition it is sounding better all the time.
I feel like I have such a weight sitting on my chest that is could crush me at any moment. The constant dull headach that never seems to go away. The on swith that drives me is stuck on high during the week. By Friday night I am struggling.
I went Friday night and visited my ex father in law and sure enough he appeared to recognize me. He can speak with slurred speech, but with enough formed words to figure out what he is saying. It is very sad to see this once larger than life man laying there.
Rolling into Saturday I did some things around the house. My desire is limited. Saturday night a chance to escape reality first by voluntering at the local community theatre. I had a really great time. Expanding my horizons tends to be keep people guessing.
While my phone was on mute from the world a girlfriend of mine called. So I returned her call only to end up driving around till the wee hours of the morn. Which was totally fine since we were dealing with her issues of divorce and not mine.
But oh how quickly reality tends to jump back in your face when Sunday morning rolls around. The warrior that threatens to destroy all that I am comes calling for what he hopes to be his foot soldiers. I dread these Sundays. It is very clear he is trying to prove he is a good father.
So today he comes and picks up the boys. He has to make sure that he tells them that he is parked out front in the blue car. That is the calling card to "Heys guys I got a new car." Because for Christ Sake that would not recognize the man sitting in the car at the curb as their father. What kind of crap is that.
The crap is that my thirty days to respond was Friday and I have not hired an attorney to date. So I guess he is confident that things will go his way. In his celebration of himself he bought a car. Psychosis....a mental disorder characterized by symptoms such as, delusions or hallucinations. Is that not what this is? If not does it not sound better than this reality?
I feel like I have such a weight sitting on my chest that is could crush me at any moment. The constant dull headach that never seems to go away. The on swith that drives me is stuck on high during the week. By Friday night I am struggling.
I went Friday night and visited my ex father in law and sure enough he appeared to recognize me. He can speak with slurred speech, but with enough formed words to figure out what he is saying. It is very sad to see this once larger than life man laying there.
Rolling into Saturday I did some things around the house. My desire is limited. Saturday night a chance to escape reality first by voluntering at the local community theatre. I had a really great time. Expanding my horizons tends to be keep people guessing.
While my phone was on mute from the world a girlfriend of mine called. So I returned her call only to end up driving around till the wee hours of the morn. Which was totally fine since we were dealing with her issues of divorce and not mine.
But oh how quickly reality tends to jump back in your face when Sunday morning rolls around. The warrior that threatens to destroy all that I am comes calling for what he hopes to be his foot soldiers. I dread these Sundays. It is very clear he is trying to prove he is a good father.
So today he comes and picks up the boys. He has to make sure that he tells them that he is parked out front in the blue car. That is the calling card to "Heys guys I got a new car." Because for Christ Sake that would not recognize the man sitting in the car at the curb as their father. What kind of crap is that.
The crap is that my thirty days to respond was Friday and I have not hired an attorney to date. So I guess he is confident that things will go his way. In his celebration of himself he bought a car. Psychosis....a mental disorder characterized by symptoms such as, delusions or hallucinations. Is that not what this is? If not does it not sound better than this reality?
Friday, August 03, 2007
and so it goes.......
I thought I would take a few minutes and blog some of my latest happenings. When I say take I mean take. Life is just spinning in several different directions with sadness and blessings.
My ex father in law has knocked at death's door once again this week sending all in a panic only for him to be sitting up the next day and talking. Mind you he has barely uttered a word in the last week. I am thankful in a sense that I think his son has some unfinished business and is quietly grateful for the bouts of lucidy.
The same night we all rush to his beside, a blessing. My sister lives in Minneapolis and is devout traveler of the bridge that collasped. I had stepped out to take a phone call to only walk back in to the his room and all over his 50 inch plasma hdtv is the breaking news. So I am hitting the button on my cell to dial my sister's home phone.
Needless to say it was busy so I try the cell. I reach her and even though she cannot hear me I know she is okay. She hangs up and calls me back. I said I was calling to make sure she and her gf are ok and to call mom. I honestly think she was
in shock.
She had left work just before six. She was headed to the the usual route home but something made her decide she was not in the mood for the traffic and the construction so she took an adjacent route. She said she heard the crash and saw the smoke. But did not realize what had happened till her route home took her closer and she saw it.
So we quitely thank God for this blessing and pray for those who were not so lucky. From there you reevlauate your life and realize it is not so bad. In this enlightenment her partner said to her, so how does working from home now look and I tell her I think that is omen that they should move here. But you can't run away you can only pursue life. In that comes the good and the bad.
I spoke with my mother to make sure that my sister had called her only to hear some not so good news. It is suspected that my mother has a couple of blood clots in her legs with no course of action set in stone yet. My mother found out that same day that her brother has an aggressive bladder cancer. As of today the news regarding this situtation has not gotten any better.
Moving on regarding the weeks ups and downs I have heard from the second real estate person I had out. I would say the news is good since when she walked in and said, first off I can tell you this house even in good shape is not worth 170k. Her professional analysis of the property is that it would go between 110 and 115k.
In my attempt for some escapism from the crisis that is never ending right now I took the daycare children and my son swimming yesterday. I am about sure that he broke his little toe. It is all bruised and very painful for him to move. But over all it was a good time with overdue quality time with him.
I have also rediscovered something I rather enjoyed during my high school years. Low and behold Harlequin has come back into my life. What a truly delightful way to get lost if only for awhile. And so it goes.......
My ex father in law has knocked at death's door once again this week sending all in a panic only for him to be sitting up the next day and talking. Mind you he has barely uttered a word in the last week. I am thankful in a sense that I think his son has some unfinished business and is quietly grateful for the bouts of lucidy.
The same night we all rush to his beside, a blessing. My sister lives in Minneapolis and is devout traveler of the bridge that collasped. I had stepped out to take a phone call to only walk back in to the his room and all over his 50 inch plasma hdtv is the breaking news. So I am hitting the button on my cell to dial my sister's home phone.
Needless to say it was busy so I try the cell. I reach her and even though she cannot hear me I know she is okay. She hangs up and calls me back. I said I was calling to make sure she and her gf are ok and to call mom. I honestly think she was
in shock.
She had left work just before six. She was headed to the the usual route home but something made her decide she was not in the mood for the traffic and the construction so she took an adjacent route. She said she heard the crash and saw the smoke. But did not realize what had happened till her route home took her closer and she saw it.
So we quitely thank God for this blessing and pray for those who were not so lucky. From there you reevlauate your life and realize it is not so bad. In this enlightenment her partner said to her, so how does working from home now look and I tell her I think that is omen that they should move here. But you can't run away you can only pursue life. In that comes the good and the bad.
I spoke with my mother to make sure that my sister had called her only to hear some not so good news. It is suspected that my mother has a couple of blood clots in her legs with no course of action set in stone yet. My mother found out that same day that her brother has an aggressive bladder cancer. As of today the news regarding this situtation has not gotten any better.
Moving on regarding the weeks ups and downs I have heard from the second real estate person I had out. I would say the news is good since when she walked in and said, first off I can tell you this house even in good shape is not worth 170k. Her professional analysis of the property is that it would go between 110 and 115k.
In my attempt for some escapism from the crisis that is never ending right now I took the daycare children and my son swimming yesterday. I am about sure that he broke his little toe. It is all bruised and very painful for him to move. But over all it was a good time with overdue quality time with him.
I have also rediscovered something I rather enjoyed during my high school years. Low and behold Harlequin has come back into my life. What a truly delightful way to get lost if only for awhile. And so it goes.......
Monday, July 30, 2007
Flip this house.........
Okay so today I had the realtor in. The first of two, the other comes tomorrow. The gal today I really enjoyed. We toured around the house and discussed everything that was going on.
When I told her how much he had valued the house she said and these were her exact words, "Is he smoking crack?" I shook my head in agreement and said I am thinking so.
She loved the changes I had made to the place. She took some notes and then proceeded to take pictures so I would have something for the attorney. The realtor stated she loved what I had down to the bathroom. The kitchen looked great. The living room was acceptable. The retaining walls were also a nice touch as the fire bushes and stones on the side of the house.
As we were walking the yard she turns to me and says. I have to be honest with you. The house is worth what someone is willing to pay for it. Meaning it was a good candidate for flip this house. I busted out laughing and said you are 100% right.
She indicated that it was ashame that I could not keep the house as the monthly payment was good for the size of the house. She was surprised at how much room there was on the inside. I totally agreed with her. I said, I knew right away when we looked at this house I wanted it.
The problem lies in the 2nd mortgage. I am not taking that debt and if giving the house up that needs a new roof,driveway,painted inside and out,heating and air. Those are the high ticket items with lots of small projects that is what I am willing to do to cut all ties.
In parting the realtor from today said she would work the house up as if everything was in good shape and depreciate it from there. That sounded like a plan to me. So come on down realtor number two and tell me what you think.
When I told her how much he had valued the house she said and these were her exact words, "Is he smoking crack?" I shook my head in agreement and said I am thinking so.
She loved the changes I had made to the place. She took some notes and then proceeded to take pictures so I would have something for the attorney. The realtor stated she loved what I had down to the bathroom. The kitchen looked great. The living room was acceptable. The retaining walls were also a nice touch as the fire bushes and stones on the side of the house.
As we were walking the yard she turns to me and says. I have to be honest with you. The house is worth what someone is willing to pay for it. Meaning it was a good candidate for flip this house. I busted out laughing and said you are 100% right.
She indicated that it was ashame that I could not keep the house as the monthly payment was good for the size of the house. She was surprised at how much room there was on the inside. I totally agreed with her. I said, I knew right away when we looked at this house I wanted it.
The problem lies in the 2nd mortgage. I am not taking that debt and if giving the house up that needs a new roof,driveway,painted inside and out,heating and air. Those are the high ticket items with lots of small projects that is what I am willing to do to cut all ties.
In parting the realtor from today said she would work the house up as if everything was in good shape and depreciate it from there. That sounded like a plan to me. So come on down realtor number two and tell me what you think.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Grasping for control......
I am still amazed at how people will still try to hang on after the ship is going down. I mean really you started this, it's what you want so badly.
The ex husband to be purchased some desks for our sons. That is all fine and good. I will not deny them anything their father wants to give them. He has always been Disney to them.
This behavior always kicks into high gear when we are in the process of divorce. Same thing this time. First out of the gate are the constant phone calls and then taking the to dinner one night a week. Then buying them things.
The dinner thing only last two weeks and the phone calls come and go. But the week I was served he purchased these desks. Great wonderful good as the youngest one has been asking for one for awhile now.
I am sure you are wonder where the control factor comes in. The desk you see are the ones you have to put together. This is not my speciality in life. So hence they sit in their boxes.
So the ex to be calls today and is inquiring if the desks have been put together yet. The boys tell him no and from there his rant begins. Well if your not going to use them I am going to return them. The money is better sitting in my account than me paying the furniture store.
So with all that goes on in this world his worry is about the desk in the box. Well why the hell didn't you put them together before you brought them over here. Better yet purchased them already assembled.
What a concept. Lest we forget you forgo control and that is what it is all about for you.
The ex husband to be purchased some desks for our sons. That is all fine and good. I will not deny them anything their father wants to give them. He has always been Disney to them.
This behavior always kicks into high gear when we are in the process of divorce. Same thing this time. First out of the gate are the constant phone calls and then taking the to dinner one night a week. Then buying them things.
The dinner thing only last two weeks and the phone calls come and go. But the week I was served he purchased these desks. Great wonderful good as the youngest one has been asking for one for awhile now.
I am sure you are wonder where the control factor comes in. The desk you see are the ones you have to put together. This is not my speciality in life. So hence they sit in their boxes.
So the ex to be calls today and is inquiring if the desks have been put together yet. The boys tell him no and from there his rant begins. Well if your not going to use them I am going to return them. The money is better sitting in my account than me paying the furniture store.
So with all that goes on in this world his worry is about the desk in the box. Well why the hell didn't you put them together before you brought them over here. Better yet purchased them already assembled.
What a concept. Lest we forget you forgo control and that is what it is all about for you.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
As he lay dying....
Anyone reading my blog is aware that my ex father-in-law is dying. He has been in the hospital for over a week now. He collasped and has bleeding in the brain.
My ex husband and I very close friends. I know that can be hard to believe but under certain circumstances it does happen. Last Friday July 20th we were told he probably wouldn't last more than a couple of days.
It is now a week later and he is still hanging in there. He is unable to speak at all now. He is now on a morphine drip and has been catherized. I have mixed emotions about this man. I think of my in-laws as parents of sorts as I have known them since I was 17 years old. Coming from a family that at the time seemed so dysfunctional. It was different be married to someone who's parents have been married forever and remained so till death. She passed away last October.
Now she was a different story. I loved her very deeply. She was like a mother to me. Even after her son and I divorced we kept in contact. I do regret however not spending as much time with her as I would have like. A perfect lesson of letting life get in the way. I also was more concerned with the feelings of others ie ex husbands new wife. When she was dying I was there every moment I could be.
I am grateful to the new wife and that she understood that my relationship with the mother in law was beyond the fact I had been married to her son. I held her hand and talked to her up until almost the very end. Then the ex sister in law arrived and she was there in the final hours. I am ok with that even though up until that point she had not bothered to come and visit during her illness. Okay fine maybe she came once.
But him I am not as close. There is a reason for this. For some number of years now I have known about his infidelities. One of his indiscretions occurred in my home that I shared with his son when we married. Photo proof existed. The how and why of this information came to light is not important. But is a situtation that having knowlege of kind of bonds his son and I. The new wife does not understand the relationship of father and son. Not so sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but it is what it is.
So this is what leads me to my blog of the day. I was suppose to go and visit with my daughter at the hospital last night. Feeling under the weather I did not go. I took my son to work and left the house without my cell phone. I had to make a stop where I ended being longer than I thought so I called home to find that my ex and my daughter had called me. So being concerned something might have happened with the ex father in law I called my daughter.
I ended up speaking with her father who said to me I thought you were suppose to be standing watch. I told him I was still feeling sick and that I would visit on Saturday when I got off work. He said fine and that he would talk to me later.
When my daughter returned home she said she overheard her father telling the nurse that he is the only one to be notified in the event of anything happening with his father. My dauther thought maybe it was her Aunt calling. We chalked it up to her father just wanting to be the one call in the event of the grandfather's death. My daughter went on to tell me her father had stepped out of the room to call me and told his wife he was trying to call his sister.
So today I get a call from my ex. He was calling to tell me that when he his wife arrived at the hospital on Friday. A female was in the room dressed in the sterile gown and everything holding his father's hand, tears streaming down her face. He had seen a piece of paper with this persons name and phone number on it at the nurses desk. Low and behold it was the female that the indiscretion had occurred with in out home all those years ago. She has asked the wife and the nurses to let her know if anything happens to him or if he moved so she can continue to visit with him.
Of course now I am reeling with did you throw her out, say anything to her. Because as I live and breathe God knows they would have been calling security. We are not sure how she knew where he was other than not being able to reach him at home or on his cell she just started calling the hospitals.
The wife is telling him that he is dying and to just let it be. I don't agree but also have more knowledge of the relationship of father and son. So he finally snapped and told her that he did not say or give any kind of opinion when her own father put the family through being an alcholic. Or when he died because of it. That she does not understand and he does not ever what her to talk to him about anything again regarding his father and the whores.
I really have to agree with the ex on this one. But by the same token it is not her fault that he has chosen not to share this with her. I suggested that the visitation be close to family only. But my ex does not want to keep his friends from visiting. He feels that keep phone notification to just him will help restrict the flow of information. Talk about having to deal with the sins of the father.
My ex husband and I very close friends. I know that can be hard to believe but under certain circumstances it does happen. Last Friday July 20th we were told he probably wouldn't last more than a couple of days.
It is now a week later and he is still hanging in there. He is unable to speak at all now. He is now on a morphine drip and has been catherized. I have mixed emotions about this man. I think of my in-laws as parents of sorts as I have known them since I was 17 years old. Coming from a family that at the time seemed so dysfunctional. It was different be married to someone who's parents have been married forever and remained so till death. She passed away last October.
Now she was a different story. I loved her very deeply. She was like a mother to me. Even after her son and I divorced we kept in contact. I do regret however not spending as much time with her as I would have like. A perfect lesson of letting life get in the way. I also was more concerned with the feelings of others ie ex husbands new wife. When she was dying I was there every moment I could be.
I am grateful to the new wife and that she understood that my relationship with the mother in law was beyond the fact I had been married to her son. I held her hand and talked to her up until almost the very end. Then the ex sister in law arrived and she was there in the final hours. I am ok with that even though up until that point she had not bothered to come and visit during her illness. Okay fine maybe she came once.
But him I am not as close. There is a reason for this. For some number of years now I have known about his infidelities. One of his indiscretions occurred in my home that I shared with his son when we married. Photo proof existed. The how and why of this information came to light is not important. But is a situtation that having knowlege of kind of bonds his son and I. The new wife does not understand the relationship of father and son. Not so sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but it is what it is.
So this is what leads me to my blog of the day. I was suppose to go and visit with my daughter at the hospital last night. Feeling under the weather I did not go. I took my son to work and left the house without my cell phone. I had to make a stop where I ended being longer than I thought so I called home to find that my ex and my daughter had called me. So being concerned something might have happened with the ex father in law I called my daughter.
I ended up speaking with her father who said to me I thought you were suppose to be standing watch. I told him I was still feeling sick and that I would visit on Saturday when I got off work. He said fine and that he would talk to me later.
When my daughter returned home she said she overheard her father telling the nurse that he is the only one to be notified in the event of anything happening with his father. My dauther thought maybe it was her Aunt calling. We chalked it up to her father just wanting to be the one call in the event of the grandfather's death. My daughter went on to tell me her father had stepped out of the room to call me and told his wife he was trying to call his sister.
So today I get a call from my ex. He was calling to tell me that when he his wife arrived at the hospital on Friday. A female was in the room dressed in the sterile gown and everything holding his father's hand, tears streaming down her face. He had seen a piece of paper with this persons name and phone number on it at the nurses desk. Low and behold it was the female that the indiscretion had occurred with in out home all those years ago. She has asked the wife and the nurses to let her know if anything happens to him or if he moved so she can continue to visit with him.
Of course now I am reeling with did you throw her out, say anything to her. Because as I live and breathe God knows they would have been calling security. We are not sure how she knew where he was other than not being able to reach him at home or on his cell she just started calling the hospitals.
The wife is telling him that he is dying and to just let it be. I don't agree but also have more knowledge of the relationship of father and son. So he finally snapped and told her that he did not say or give any kind of opinion when her own father put the family through being an alcholic. Or when he died because of it. That she does not understand and he does not ever what her to talk to him about anything again regarding his father and the whores.
I really have to agree with the ex on this one. But by the same token it is not her fault that he has chosen not to share this with her. I suggested that the visitation be close to family only. But my ex does not want to keep his friends from visiting. He feels that keep phone notification to just him will help restrict the flow of information. Talk about having to deal with the sins of the father.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Stupid question of the day....
Stupidest question of the day, "So can you tell me why the account is behind?" Well let me see...."LIFE MOTHER FUCKER! What else? No I just find pleasure in screwing you out of your $15.00 a month payment. WoooHoooo I can so party with that.
Because more than screwing you out of your payment I enjoyed the endless pentalites and fees your are going to slap on my account because I missed the payment. I love your arrogant attitude that you are superior. God knows that this would never happen to you. After all you live in perfectville.
Your second stupid question was, "Do you have a work number we can contact you at?" Oh yes because while my life in going down in flames let's just have my business scroll across the ticker at work. As far as you need to know I am homeless and unemployed. The cell phone you have contacted me on is the house phone in the cardboard box in which I am raising my three children.
Now granted I will take my share of responsibilty with this. After all I was the dumbass who was reeled in by your oh so hard to resist credit offer. Guess what ass wipe if it was not for people like me people like you would not have a job. It kills me how you act like I am the worst cardholder you have. Miss one payment and the heavens open up and fire and brimestoe rain down.
I will pray for you tonight and it will go something like this. Now I lay me down to sleep. Please Lord let me be present when the jackass that called me today has to deal with someone like them when their life is overcome by events. Give me grace enough to extend my hand and offer to share my cardboard box with them. Lord I also am using the word jackass in the biblical sense. Amen
Because more than screwing you out of your payment I enjoyed the endless pentalites and fees your are going to slap on my account because I missed the payment. I love your arrogant attitude that you are superior. God knows that this would never happen to you. After all you live in perfectville.
Your second stupid question was, "Do you have a work number we can contact you at?" Oh yes because while my life in going down in flames let's just have my business scroll across the ticker at work. As far as you need to know I am homeless and unemployed. The cell phone you have contacted me on is the house phone in the cardboard box in which I am raising my three children.
Now granted I will take my share of responsibilty with this. After all I was the dumbass who was reeled in by your oh so hard to resist credit offer. Guess what ass wipe if it was not for people like me people like you would not have a job. It kills me how you act like I am the worst cardholder you have. Miss one payment and the heavens open up and fire and brimestoe rain down.
I will pray for you tonight and it will go something like this. Now I lay me down to sleep. Please Lord let me be present when the jackass that called me today has to deal with someone like them when their life is overcome by events. Give me grace enough to extend my hand and offer to share my cardboard box with them. Lord I also am using the word jackass in the biblical sense. Amen
Monday, July 23, 2007
Time out already......
I am thinking that at some point it should get better. Let's recap...my life in the last two weeks.
My friend lost her babies,received divorce papers same day. Finally finished and got my other friend on her way to Boston, ex-father in law collaspes and is now in the hospital with brain bleeding and is not expected to make it.
So today being Monday and praying for a little relief why should I be surprised that the power would go out. Not only go out but do it right when I am trying to get ready for work. If God is trying to send me a message about the house I have gotten it loud and clear.
In speaking with my friend that lost the babies, she said I will tell you like my therapist told me. You are entitled to as many pms days as you feel like. She went on to say when the therapist told her this, she responded that her husband might not appreciate any extra pms days. The therapist said pms stands for poor me syndrome.
I laughed and said ok who is comforting who here. She replied that we would comfort each other. The reality of any given situation is life goes on and you just have to make the best of it. But right now I feel like I am in a football game trying to defend my goal and I can get up for getting knocked back down.
My friend lost her babies,received divorce papers same day. Finally finished and got my other friend on her way to Boston, ex-father in law collaspes and is now in the hospital with brain bleeding and is not expected to make it.
So today being Monday and praying for a little relief why should I be surprised that the power would go out. Not only go out but do it right when I am trying to get ready for work. If God is trying to send me a message about the house I have gotten it loud and clear.
In speaking with my friend that lost the babies, she said I will tell you like my therapist told me. You are entitled to as many pms days as you feel like. She went on to say when the therapist told her this, she responded that her husband might not appreciate any extra pms days. The therapist said pms stands for poor me syndrome.
I laughed and said ok who is comforting who here. She replied that we would comfort each other. The reality of any given situation is life goes on and you just have to make the best of it. But right now I feel like I am in a football game trying to defend my goal and I can get up for getting knocked back down.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
I continue ......
Well one would think that things would be winding down after the last two weeks that I have had. I spent Tuesday night after my wonderful day at the pool trying to finish up packing. My friend was scheduled to leave for Boston on Wednesday night.
We worked from six that night till two thirty in the morning. I returned Wednesday night before I went to work and we worked all afternoon. I left my sister to help finish up. Get the keys for me and see my friend off. I assured my friend I would clean the apartment and turn in the keys.
Earlier that Wednesday morning we had discovered my daughter's grandfather had fallen. An ambulance was called. He ended up in the hospital. Thursday I had a full house of daycare children. I got my son off to work and then headed to the apartment with some assistance to clear out some things my friend had left for me. That was all I had time to do and ended up being late for work. I hoped Friday that I would get an early start and could just hang out when all was done.
Friday morning comes and of course it was not the early start I had hoped for. I took the only daycare child I had and ran some errands. Filled up my truck and headed home. I received a call from my first husband who had received a call from the hospital and indicated that his father had taken a turn for the worse. He needed me to let our daughter know. If we wanted to visit with him we needed to come to the hospital.
It turns out that a small brain bleed that showed up on the CAT scan on Wednesday is getting worse. Some decisions had to be made and my ex has power of attorney. I could tell that he was struggling. His sister lives out of state and his wife was out of town as well. So I told my daughter what is going on. She went and finished her errands and went directly to the hospital.
I on the other hand had to go and clean the apartment as keys had to be turned in by that night. So I took my sons and off we went. Now keep in mind I love my friend dearly. Yes I will admit to being a clean freak. But Lord help me. It took four and half hours to clean a one bedroom apartment. Due to the self cleaning oven not being done when I left I kept one door key and the gate opener. I turned in the paper work and all other keys. I informed the management office things would be finished and the keys turned in by the appropriate time.
So off the the hospital I go. According to the doctors he will continue to get worse but if the family wanted they could continue current medical protocol. Or stop all heroic measures. He already has a dnr directive. So the decision has been made and now we wait. He appears to be losing speech, but then will have a limited conversation. Fades in and out and appears at times not to recognize you.
I continue to move forward as there is not time to look back. I am sad about his impending passing. My heart breaks for the decisions that have to be made by my first husband. I can only let him know that I am there for him. He has to trust himself. He is living the experience and I am on the outside looking in.
We worked from six that night till two thirty in the morning. I returned Wednesday night before I went to work and we worked all afternoon. I left my sister to help finish up. Get the keys for me and see my friend off. I assured my friend I would clean the apartment and turn in the keys.
Earlier that Wednesday morning we had discovered my daughter's grandfather had fallen. An ambulance was called. He ended up in the hospital. Thursday I had a full house of daycare children. I got my son off to work and then headed to the apartment with some assistance to clear out some things my friend had left for me. That was all I had time to do and ended up being late for work. I hoped Friday that I would get an early start and could just hang out when all was done.
Friday morning comes and of course it was not the early start I had hoped for. I took the only daycare child I had and ran some errands. Filled up my truck and headed home. I received a call from my first husband who had received a call from the hospital and indicated that his father had taken a turn for the worse. He needed me to let our daughter know. If we wanted to visit with him we needed to come to the hospital.
It turns out that a small brain bleed that showed up on the CAT scan on Wednesday is getting worse. Some decisions had to be made and my ex has power of attorney. I could tell that he was struggling. His sister lives out of state and his wife was out of town as well. So I told my daughter what is going on. She went and finished her errands and went directly to the hospital.
I on the other hand had to go and clean the apartment as keys had to be turned in by that night. So I took my sons and off we went. Now keep in mind I love my friend dearly. Yes I will admit to being a clean freak. But Lord help me. It took four and half hours to clean a one bedroom apartment. Due to the self cleaning oven not being done when I left I kept one door key and the gate opener. I turned in the paper work and all other keys. I informed the management office things would be finished and the keys turned in by the appropriate time.
So off the the hospital I go. According to the doctors he will continue to get worse but if the family wanted they could continue current medical protocol. Or stop all heroic measures. He already has a dnr directive. So the decision has been made and now we wait. He appears to be losing speech, but then will have a limited conversation. Fades in and out and appears at times not to recognize you.
I continue to move forward as there is not time to look back. I am sad about his impending passing. My heart breaks for the decisions that have to be made by my first husband. I can only let him know that I am there for him. He has to trust himself. He is living the experience and I am on the outside looking in.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Eye Candy does the heart good......
Sometimes the clouds do open up and God smiles upon you. Yesterday I decided to say what the hell and leave all of Monday's greif on the back burner.
My friend recently moved to an apartment complexes and since I do the child care for her children she bestowed upon me a key to the pool. The management was advised of who I was and that I would be bringing the children to swim.
Now let me asure you I am no babe in a bikini. Far from it but you know it was my I don't give two shits day and it was 105 degrees in the shade. So I gather up the children and some refreshments and headed to the pool.
After some quick introduction we hit the pool. We were the only people there for quite sometime. As the afternoon wore on others began to arrive. Two ladies clad in bikinis and their children. Fun was being had by all.
Then a man not my age but not so young I should go to jail for what I was thinking arrived with four children following close behind. Very nice shirtless body with the bermuda type swim trunks. Sun lover as he was nice and tanned. Blonde hair I can only guess at his eye color as I was not that close. His children quickly joined the others in the pool.
I had already gotten out of the pool by then and had settled on the opposite side of the pool after pulling on a t-shirt over my swimsuit. I had my lounge half in the sun and half in the shade. I just wanted to continue to sun my legs but, you when you have freckles you only get more freckles.
Of course the bikini clad gals decided they needed to jump into the pool. I guess they thought they would be eye candy for him. But he was obviously studying a book he had brought with him and had ear buds listening to his ipod.
He would glance up to check his children which were two boys and two girls playing and laughing in the pool. At one point there was an issue between one of the boys and one of the girls. He got up and in one fail swoop picked the boy up out of the water. My my my what beautiful biceps. I applaud you quietly.
Little man was in time out next to dad. Things soon wrapped up at the pool but it was a nice break from the events of the last week and Monday. It felt freeing to just let things go and not worry what others think of me. (referencing bathsuit in public) It was a beautiful Tuesday afternoon and if man is made in God's image then I am doom to hell. Because there was lust in my heart.
****Second eye candy sighting in two days heaven help me. We had an early morning scare with my daughter's grandfather. That ended up in a rescue squad being called. He is now in he hospital for observation. But I must comment on the young paramedic that was part of the response team. Tall dark hair great eyes. Very good at his job too I might add. I wonder if one can make a reservation for which paramedic responds in your hour of need? I know I know keep on dreamin...
My friend recently moved to an apartment complexes and since I do the child care for her children she bestowed upon me a key to the pool. The management was advised of who I was and that I would be bringing the children to swim.
Now let me asure you I am no babe in a bikini. Far from it but you know it was my I don't give two shits day and it was 105 degrees in the shade. So I gather up the children and some refreshments and headed to the pool.
After some quick introduction we hit the pool. We were the only people there for quite sometime. As the afternoon wore on others began to arrive. Two ladies clad in bikinis and their children. Fun was being had by all.
Then a man not my age but not so young I should go to jail for what I was thinking arrived with four children following close behind. Very nice shirtless body with the bermuda type swim trunks. Sun lover as he was nice and tanned. Blonde hair I can only guess at his eye color as I was not that close. His children quickly joined the others in the pool.
I had already gotten out of the pool by then and had settled on the opposite side of the pool after pulling on a t-shirt over my swimsuit. I had my lounge half in the sun and half in the shade. I just wanted to continue to sun my legs but, you when you have freckles you only get more freckles.
Of course the bikini clad gals decided they needed to jump into the pool. I guess they thought they would be eye candy for him. But he was obviously studying a book he had brought with him and had ear buds listening to his ipod.
He would glance up to check his children which were two boys and two girls playing and laughing in the pool. At one point there was an issue between one of the boys and one of the girls. He got up and in one fail swoop picked the boy up out of the water. My my my what beautiful biceps. I applaud you quietly.
Little man was in time out next to dad. Things soon wrapped up at the pool but it was a nice break from the events of the last week and Monday. It felt freeing to just let things go and not worry what others think of me. (referencing bathsuit in public) It was a beautiful Tuesday afternoon and if man is made in God's image then I am doom to hell. Because there was lust in my heart.
****Second eye candy sighting in two days heaven help me. We had an early morning scare with my daughter's grandfather. That ended up in a rescue squad being called. He is now in he hospital for observation. But I must comment on the young paramedic that was part of the response team. Tall dark hair great eyes. Very good at his job too I might add. I wonder if one can make a reservation for which paramedic responds in your hour of need? I know I know keep on dreamin...
Monday, July 16, 2007
I picked the wrong profession......
Here goes as if my day couldn't suck any worse. Met with the attorney today and he was very straight forward. If I give him a $1,0000. up front and $175.00 and hour is his price he can fix this whole thing for me.
According to the attorney my best case scenario is put the house up for sale as is asap. I will probably have to take some the debt the thorn has accrued. I will get some money if he can prove I was married to the thorn at least 10yrs of his military career. But it will cost me alot of money to get out with this in the very least because the thorn has done a very good job of hiding things. The attorney states it will take alot to untangle this web.
I guess I was in a different meeting because I very clearly told the attorney I have no money. The thorn refinanced and pocketed money, not me. There is no equity in the house. I am listening to a different news station. It is a buyers market not a sellers. Did we forget it needs a new roof, driveway,deck (because the other rotten one was ripped out),heating and air because the old one was tagged unfixable,paint inside and out and the basement takes in water with every good storm.
Why didn't I go to school to be an attorney. Oh I know because I didn't plan very well. That has been my whole problem all along. Doing the right thing. Make sure everyone else's needs are met. Here I am dog paddling up to my neck in shit and do not see a way out. A friend offered me to come live in her basement if it works out for her to get this townhome. I would not do that to my children. The worse case scenario for them is ending up living with their dad because I can't even afford the attorney to fight him. Which is what he was banking on.
They attorney can say put the house on the market. It is not his home or the only one he has known as in the case of my youngest son. Who I am sure will be okay with whatever happens as all the children will be. I have done this 3 times already and I am tired of losing a never ending battle. Brief interjection here for those with their mouths hanging open with the fact of three times. The thorn always retreats and turns on the charm when things are not looking so good for him. Me, not wanting to be the bad guy takes it up the ass to keep the peace. I guess I only have 60 days of doing nothing to find out how much less I am gonna have.
P.S. To my divorce gf parking our suv's under a bridge end to end and calling it a single wide is looking pretty damn good.
According to the attorney my best case scenario is put the house up for sale as is asap. I will probably have to take some the debt the thorn has accrued. I will get some money if he can prove I was married to the thorn at least 10yrs of his military career. But it will cost me alot of money to get out with this in the very least because the thorn has done a very good job of hiding things. The attorney states it will take alot to untangle this web.
I guess I was in a different meeting because I very clearly told the attorney I have no money. The thorn refinanced and pocketed money, not me. There is no equity in the house. I am listening to a different news station. It is a buyers market not a sellers. Did we forget it needs a new roof, driveway,deck (because the other rotten one was ripped out),heating and air because the old one was tagged unfixable,paint inside and out and the basement takes in water with every good storm.
Why didn't I go to school to be an attorney. Oh I know because I didn't plan very well. That has been my whole problem all along. Doing the right thing. Make sure everyone else's needs are met. Here I am dog paddling up to my neck in shit and do not see a way out. A friend offered me to come live in her basement if it works out for her to get this townhome. I would not do that to my children. The worse case scenario for them is ending up living with their dad because I can't even afford the attorney to fight him. Which is what he was banking on.
They attorney can say put the house on the market. It is not his home or the only one he has known as in the case of my youngest son. Who I am sure will be okay with whatever happens as all the children will be. I have done this 3 times already and I am tired of losing a never ending battle. Brief interjection here for those with their mouths hanging open with the fact of three times. The thorn always retreats and turns on the charm when things are not looking so good for him. Me, not wanting to be the bad guy takes it up the ass to keep the peace. I guess I only have 60 days of doing nothing to find out how much less I am gonna have.
P.S. To my divorce gf parking our suv's under a bridge end to end and calling it a single wide is looking pretty damn good.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
If it was not enough.......
Well folks when it rains it pours. I did not mention this in my previous post because they were about my friend and her very very very sad loss. In addition to dealing with this tremdous grief we all felt. The ever present thorn in my side served me with divorce papers. Should have know when he was playing twenty questions about money and the fact he refinanced the house and pocketed a nice little sum of money.
An attempt to serve me came last Monday while I was at the hospital with my friend. So I called the guy and said, Hey I am not trying to hide from you or anything but I have something more important going on. So call me in the morning and let's get this over with as I know what they are. Unless of course you are going to tell me someone else is looking for me. The guy responded, surprised I knew what they were. I told the process server oh yes, the thorn was considerate enough to send me an email regarding the papers. He of course had to laugh at that one.
So bright and early the process server and I met. He told me that I was spoiling him by waiting outside for him. My reply that this was my childrens home and they were sleeping and I did not want them woke up from his early call. Very nice gentleman we ended up speaking for several minutes and he said he was sorry to hear about my friend and that to make sure I hire a very good attorney.
If I could count how many times I have heard that. Sad truth of that matter is they cost too much money. God knows I don't have a money tree growing in my backyard unless I missed it. Truth be known this is not the first time in the six or seven years we have been separated that we have filed. That is another blog for another day. I do not have my doubts it will be finished this time. The bigger question at what cost. The thorn does not like to lose and even worse be told what to do.
I know this if nothing else about him. I have endured many years of manipulation by this man and given a great deal from possessions to my own soul being chisled away little by little. It is only in these last years of being separated that I have managed to regain some sense of myself. But I will be the first to admit that I am not so far removed from his manipulation.
There is a pattern that I have noticed in things that happen where he is concerned. Anytime that I appear to be having a life of my own he acts out in some form and this must be the latest of acting out. The old I don't want you but I don't want you to be with anyone else or happy on any level. I had a friend tell me this is war and kill or be killed as he will not have mercy on you. So get in that mind set. Time will tell if I am equipped mentally and physically ready for this.
An attempt to serve me came last Monday while I was at the hospital with my friend. So I called the guy and said, Hey I am not trying to hide from you or anything but I have something more important going on. So call me in the morning and let's get this over with as I know what they are. Unless of course you are going to tell me someone else is looking for me. The guy responded, surprised I knew what they were. I told the process server oh yes, the thorn was considerate enough to send me an email regarding the papers. He of course had to laugh at that one.
So bright and early the process server and I met. He told me that I was spoiling him by waiting outside for him. My reply that this was my childrens home and they were sleeping and I did not want them woke up from his early call. Very nice gentleman we ended up speaking for several minutes and he said he was sorry to hear about my friend and that to make sure I hire a very good attorney.
If I could count how many times I have heard that. Sad truth of that matter is they cost too much money. God knows I don't have a money tree growing in my backyard unless I missed it. Truth be known this is not the first time in the six or seven years we have been separated that we have filed. That is another blog for another day. I do not have my doubts it will be finished this time. The bigger question at what cost. The thorn does not like to lose and even worse be told what to do.
I know this if nothing else about him. I have endured many years of manipulation by this man and given a great deal from possessions to my own soul being chisled away little by little. It is only in these last years of being separated that I have managed to regain some sense of myself. But I will be the first to admit that I am not so far removed from his manipulation.
There is a pattern that I have noticed in things that happen where he is concerned. Anytime that I appear to be having a life of my own he acts out in some form and this must be the latest of acting out. The old I don't want you but I don't want you to be with anyone else or happy on any level. I had a friend tell me this is war and kill or be killed as he will not have mercy on you. So get in that mind set. Time will tell if I am equipped mentally and physically ready for this.
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