Officer Down........

I have a thing for a man in uniform. Police officers in particular. It is not everyone just the ones that ooze of being a man's man. I like the way the uniform clings to their bodies. You can tell the ones that truly keep in shape.

Awhile back I dated such a man. They say office romance cannot be kept a secret. Well we did. Anyway he was going through a divorce some work issues came up and he ended up leaving the job. His leaving did not have anything to with our relationship.

Unable to get hired on with the local police department he ended up about an hour or so away in a very small town. So, one weekend I went up and visited him on that rare occasion I was childless.

Mind you when I arrive in town he is still on duty. He had called to tell me he would be working later due to some arrest situation going on. I was to call him and he would meet me at his house.

Talk about excitement. What can I say. He was just yummy. So we went into the house and I had to to check him out from head to toe very brazenly I might add. Men do it to women all the time so it is only fair. I am sure everyone is familiar with the radio mics being attatched at the shoulder on the uniform and then the other part is on the gun belt.

He couldn't stay long so I wanted to give him something to think about while he finished his patrol. We started kissing and making out. Between that and my low cut shirt that exposed my very ample breasts things were getting quite heated. Shifting positions we hear the dispatcher come over his radio with his call numbers asking if he is in need of assistance.

We both just froze, he composed himself and responded no and proceeded to call dispatch on his cell phone. The dispatcher told him she was getting a series of clicking noises over the radio like someone was trying to send a radio call. He stated that all was good his radio was fine.

After he hung up the phone we had a good laugh and wondered just to what extent had she heard. Good thing she did not dispatch a second cruiser. That would have been an officer down story for the books.

A FeW oF mY FaVoRiTe EyE CaNdY

Need I say more!!!!!! Any one of them would make my day.

Freedom......

I was listening to the radio today,Janice Joplin I believe. The lyrics of her song went something like "freedom is just another word for nothing more to lose." Listening to these words brought clarity to a situation in my life.

As strange as that might sound it is true. I have been separated for several years now. Last July I was served divorce papers. Here it is almost March and it is still going on. Just as I thought would happen, the should have been x along time ago let his attorney fire him.

Mind you since I was told last July by email and yes I said email that I would be being served there has not been any communication with the x to be. I plan to keep it that way. But, I am baffled by the fact that last July it was of the upmost urgency to be divorced right then and there.

The upside is that my attorney, a very smart man I might add, filed for a cross petition that in the event something like this happened my case would continue. So I met with my attorney last Tuesday. We went over what it would take for me to settle. My attorney had sent notice to the x to come in for a deposition on 2/14.

Today I received papers in the mail from my attorney because he has now filed sanctions againist the x as he did not show for this meeting. Which brings me back to the line in the song. I have nothing left to lose and have not had for a long time. This realization brings me peace so that I am ready to face whatever may come from this situation.

~~~~~~Eyes~~~~~~

The eyes are staring intently into the mirror. Straining to see what others say they have seen in her. Comments such as what a pretty face, she so kind, very generous, so caring, so giving.

The eyes feel betrayed. Through the darkness all the eyes see is the scarred, broken shell of a spirit that was taken from her so long ago. Emotions of pain, fear, rage held deep within.

Conversation of the day......

Occupational choice has given me the pleasure of being able to take my children to and from school. I treasure these times. Today was such a day.

My youngest son is in the 8th grade. I drop him off everyday to school with four females. I am sure later in his life he will appreciate this. Right now not so much.

Afterschool the girls are all very chatty. His escapism it to put on his headphones and tunes them out. Conversation turned to the fact the 8th grade students had career day. They were able to go and talk with people from different professions.

At this point my son decides to join in the conversation. No suprise to me Kendall picked a chef and canine patrol with local law enforcement. He seems to be equally interested in both. He asked if this would be possible.

Sure why not I tell him. We start talking about the different areas of law enforcement. SWAT and the canine unit would interest him. But more than that he would like to serve in Iraq. Weapon of choice a sniper rifle.

Mom mode kicks in and out of my mouth comes, "Sorry Kendall the armed service is not an option." He then proceeds to ask why not. I explain to him the very real possiblitly that he might not return from the war in Iraq.

To which he responded, "I would be a war hero if that happened." How would I feel about that? Talk about fear striking your very being. All I could say to him is that I would be very very sad. That they might as well throw me in the ground too.

I know deep within my heart if this is what he would truly decide to do I couldn't stop him. He is thirteen and God willing when he is old enough the war would be over.

Balance zero................aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggg

There I was Saturday morning not so fresh from a very restless night of so called sleep. It seems to be escaping more and more these days.

So totally against my will I get up trying to be quite as to not wake the rest of the house. Bright idea pops into my head to pay some bills on the computer at 7:30a.m. No teeth brushing, splashing water on the face, eating or drinking something to maybe be somewhat more awake.

Oh no let's just get to the torture of bill paying. So I get the computer signed on and prepare to watch my bank account slowly evaporate. One of my monthly obligations right now is my son is taking a trip to Washington D.C. at the end of the school year.

The way it works is you pay to register the for the trip in November, make a payment in December and then the balance is due April 2008. The trip is $1,304.00 something like that. My genius plan is to divide the remainder and pay for it over the next four months.

Cuts down on the pain that way. I get everything all organized pay a couple little items via the internet. I move ever so assuredly to the this trip's website. Put in all my security info so that I make sure that I am making a payment on my son's trips.

I pull up the bill pay online option enter all the necessary information for my debit card. Mind you some of the fields are preloaded so that you have to change them or it takes the amount loaded. So I hit the enter button and get a return message of invalid card number.

So I return to the previous page and reenter all the debit card information again. Double check it before I hit the almighty button of no return. Everything appears to look fine. So satisfied I hit the button.

Up pops the following:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PAYMENT OF $729.00


I am numb. I had to be in shock. Okay Okay fine shock after a string of obscenities. Totally dumbstruck. So I call my BFF and tell her what I did. Totally beside myself I tell her how at this point I don't know if I should cry, laugh, start drinking. After all it is okay to drink heavily in situations like this.

Oh, but least we forget I just spent the drinking money! She suggested I call the bank. Did that was told I would have to deal with the merchant. Did that and the merchant is only open Monday thru Friday. Now I want my MOMMY! Guess what she is not home.

Being an adult sucks sometimes. My Mom called me back that afternoon. After I relived my tragic morning she asked me what I needed her to do. I told her the moral of my story was take your blood pressure medicine first have some breakfast little caffeine with the background noise of six children you think better with all that stimulation.

We had a good laugh and I told her that I would be calling them first thing Monday morning with my sob story. Which went something like I am a single mother of six children and did not intend to send you my whole paycheck.

The woman understood and we agreed a $200.00 payment was more my intention and she credited my checking account back the difference.

Please let it be over.......

It is not even Christmas Eve yet and I am sick of it. The whole holiday just sucks beyond belief. I know believe me I know that I have tons to be grateful and thankful for. It still does not take away my stress.

Tomorrow is your birthday and this is the first year you both are gone. I cannot imagine what it feels like to be Michael. His first Christmas without either of you. My girlfriend that lost her babies in July am I sure she feels the loss even more so. Another girlfriend her son is back in the hospital with the mrsa strep and not sure if they will get to be home for Christmas.

This will also be the first Christmas I have to share my sons with their father and split the holiday. This not something new for me I have had to do it for years with my daughter. But her father and his family and I had a totally different relationship. So my children will be with their fathers and I will be here with my sister and her children. Supervising her visit.

I also have thought about am I missing something because I don't have a significate other in my life. Truly I do not think I am I still need to learn to live with myself. I think this next year should be somewhat of a priority year. Getting things in order. It is long over due.

I have always thought people should be loving,caring and giving all year round. Not just now to look good to others. My tree is up and has been for awhile but I can say for myself that I have not truly felt the spirit of Christmas as my heart has been to heavy with the pain of the world. In speaking with my sister last week. I asked her what is that when you feel emotion so deeply happy, sad and just flat out pain. She described as being hypersensative. Thank God I beginning to think I may be bi polar.

I am in the home stretch now so I just need to pull up my boot straps and suck it up. New Year's Eve is right around the corner. I am better suited for New Years. No gifts just food drink and merriment with friends and family. Those are the holidays that I can enjoy rather stress free.

To those of you I admire your ability to survive the holiday with true Christmas spirit. I can only hope in time that I will join you.

She looked like ..........

Okay all I have to say in my defense is that anyone who knows me if you ask me my honest opinion I will give it. Sometimes, I will give it when not asked for as well.

I have never been and will never be one that will tell you a lie. Especially when it comes to big girls wearing white. I am sorry this is an A1 no no. Major fashion suicide. You might as well be a bulleyes for some big game shoot. Seriously I cannot ever recall a full size woman that I know personally pulling this one off.

So you can imagine my horror, shock, surprise whatever emotion or all of the above when my own precious daughter came home with a white coat. She proudly came out to model it. I am now in pain, tongue nearly ready to bleed as I am biting it to keep from saying anything.

I begged her in my mind to not ask me those five little words. The words came so easy from her mouth. "What do you think Mom?" I could no longer hold back. I tried to be gentle as I could. Not wanting to crush her spirit.

But, before I knew that thing we will call my alter ego took over. All I could see in from of me was that big marshmellow creature from the movie "Ghost Busters." Before I knew it, I said it plain as day, you look like a big marshmellow. I then cringed waiting for her response.

She looked at me and was not pleased. I apologized, and quickly followed it with my take on the color white and full figured girls and women. I thought it best she hear from me. We can now laugh about it and she has thanked me for telling the truth.

Yeah.....I am not alone

The more I travel down this road the more educated I become. Today I had to take my niece for a med check as she has adhd. So after the visit we went to the pharmacy. While waiting for the meds to be filled we walked around the store.

As we were browsing the pre packaged gift section of this particular store she was very touchy feely of the merchandise. I told her to stop touching as they were pre packaged alcholic beverages. I told her those were for people like me who had too many children and that I could use several and started laughing.

The lady standing next to me agreed and we stood there looking at the packages. My niece was like omg that lady is agreeing with you. I said it was because she had children as well as the lady nodded in agreement.

So the following conversation insued. We compared notes she had two biological children two foster children and had a child or two for daycare. To which I replied I have three biological children and three foster children who were relative placement. That I too do daycare as well and had four children that I took care before and after school.

The lady said you have me beat. From there the conversation turned to the state of the foster care system in our state. We both shared the same frustration of it shortfalls,mutally agreed about fears of speaking out and losing the children in our care. Lastly about the boy that shot the people at the mall.

Health and Human Service held a press conference basically to cya (cover your ass) and talk about how much money they had spent trying to help him. The gentleman went on to say how the offer whatever support in so many words. To which the lady and I just shook our heads and said amazing.

I take this chance meeting as the universe telling me that I need to be apart of the greater good. So after the first of the year I will pursue classes to allow me to foster other children than just relative placement.

Being Thankful Being Blessed Being Human

Tis the season. I have spent alot of time thinking about what I am thankful for. If I would have had to write this blog the day before Thanksgiving. Not much I was way too annoyed on several different levels. Not enough sleep, work, shop, cook.

I get this way every year around the holidays and it gets worse the closer it gets to Christmas. The same old spill you get from us scrooge type personalities. For me I think I have lost that magic of the holidays. No matter how dysfunctional of a family we were growing up it was there. It is hard for me to explain it. But it felt like the holidays.

I have three children and I have really tried very hard every year. I wonder if they ever had that feeling that it is magic. You can ask anyone in my family I am a total basket case. The previous two Thanksgivings were very good though. We traveled to be with family.

So now we are here in this holdiay season. The night before Thanksgiving I had to work till midnight. When I got off I went and shopped nothing like last minute. So I get home and put things away. I make the pie and jello cups the night before so they are nice and set up for the next day. My oldest son instead of playing his game decided to help me. It was great. We had a good time and made me feel like he is taking an interest in the way we celebrate.

So after a few hours sleep I am back in the kitchen. All the children drift in and out of the kitchen while I am cooking. Each sampling something different or wanting to know how soon we will be eating. It was very relaxed. I contribute the atmosphere to not having the ex over as I have felt compelled to do in previous years. I agreed to supervise my sister's visit with her children so she could be with them. It was the eight of us.

So in that moment when we all sat at the table everyone talking and eating. I am thankful that we have each other.

Government......Conspiracy......Insanity......

I am at a total loss at this point. I have not had time blog lately and I am going to tell you what has kept me from it. Refresher for those who have never read my blog and reminder for those who do.

Due to a family situation I am the foster mother to my niece and nephews. Believe me I would move heaven earth for them or any child in need. This is not the first time I have had them. Though as time goes on it is very apparent to me that the several things fell through the cracks or the case is just been mishandled and somebody is trying to cover their mistakes.

I have had these three children since the middle of August. I have been made to jump through hoops like you wouldn't believe. If they made being a parent as difficult maybe there would be less abuse and neglect.

The youngest is in a daycare for children with behavior issues. The older two have therapy once a week. One is in the home and the other goes to a therapist . They have visit on Saturdays with mom and the father of the boys. My niece has visit one day during the week with her father. Two days a week there are assistance to the therapists in the home for two hours a visit. Mind you it is not the same two
days either.

In addition to this I have the caseworker come and walk through my house to make sure it is suitable for them to live in. Mind you they were living in a two bedroom apartment with all three children in the same bedroom. The apartment was unkempt that is putting it kindly. I had to have a home study done and that person had to tour my house and then give a recommendation if I was fit to keep them. Remember I had them previously from December of 2005 until August of 2006. Then we had to get finger printed by the state patrol everyone over the age of 18 that lives in the home. Last but not least so the State can get its fair share of the grant monies they have come out to the home to license us a family placement foster care home.

In addition to all of this I take them to doctor appointments, dentist appointments and attend parent teacher meetings and deal with any other contact regarding the children. Also include are monthly visits from the case worker, monthly IEP's for the youngest one and host (and I use that term loosely) a monthly team meeting for my sister, the caseworker, family support worker and family advocate.

I am the one with the children and she is the one with the cheering section to help get down the right path. The icing on the cake with all this, the state has me jumping through all these hoops telling me until this is done and that is done I cannot be paid for care of the children.

So now that I have dotted all my i's and crossed all my t's I call the state today. I ask if system updated to recieve a check for November. Keep in mind that I have had the children since August. The response is no, I am sorry our system does not recognize that there should be a retro check cut. The irony in this is if you owe the government money they sure know how to flag you to get their money.

Insane I know. The government really needs to take a look at how they treat the ones that are trying to help fix what someone else has broken.

This seasons crude.....

In as much as I love this time of year I hate it. All the children are sick and now the litte petri dishes have passed it off to me.

Of course it is viral and not bacterial. Which makes it "JUST TOUGH IT OUT YOU BIG BABY!" kinda thing. First off the oldest man-boy gets strep. Then number one daughter gets laryngitis.

Then youngest son and youngest nephew get colds. Youngest nephews turns into sinus infection. Oh my word....I have never seen so much green stuff ooze out of a small child.

So much so between the two steady streams from his nose and his eyes I would swear and alien is trying to escape. Since escape in that venue was not working out. Friday morning the poor guy starts vomitting and having diarrhea. Three loads of laundry by high noon.

It is now Monday and we are switching antibiotics because according to the doctor he should have been getting better not trying to expell the alien within.

Word to the wise the petri dishes expell germs faster than you can clean them with rubber gloves and disinfectant.

Okay then.......

My youngest son never ceases to amaze me. Truth be told they all never cease to amaze me at sometime or another. But this past weekend took the cake.

I am not sure what I was doing. But I was seeing kids off for visit or something. Anyway I came back into the house. My daugther was freaking out because her brother was in the kitchen. Whatever he was doing he was not letting her in on it.

So the ever involved mother that I am. I am like what's going on? Immeadiately my daughter is telling me her brother is in the kitchen and he wont't tell her anything so on and so forth.

My son comes out and sits on the couch, when I proceed to ask him what's up? He informs me that he has cut his finger. Oh? Okay. How did you do that. My son went on to say that he did it while he was in the shower.

Now I am really confused. So I am like explain to me how you cut your finger in the shower. Keep in mind he is thirteen and has went kicking and screaming into puberty.

His response, "on the razor in the shower." Mind you the the razors in the shower belong to my daughter and myself. I look at him and state, "you aren't shaving your face are you?" Because those are not the razors to be using.

He looks and me and as serious as can be says,"no I shaved my legs." Okay then.... hmmm... son of mine only girls shave their legs. To which he tells me I don't care and I will continue to do so. He stood firm even when I told him that it would grow back longer and thicker.

No more worries about him being his own person.

Friday craziness......just keeps going

I am hoping that your Friday in blogger land was better than mine. First off the carpet cleaners came earlier than expected. Oldest son came down with strep as well as one my of daycare girls.

Then there was the unexpected dog sitting. So I managed to get all off to school. Carpet cleaned and hit the road running. I went and let the dog out so he could run around the yard. Left there and took oldest son to the doctor. Then to the pharamacy and home for a few.

School was out so I took my one daycare child with me to collect the middle school children. There was six in all in my vehicle. Mind you little missy doesn't have shoes on. Thinking that we would be right back, no need and it was a nice day.

So I decided since I am out I will pick up the prescription and then home. As we are pulling into the pharmacy parking lot we hear a loud pop. You guessed it. My tire blew. So I run in a get the prescription and see if they have flip flops for missy. Of course not. If I didn't want them they would be everywhere. No cell phone call anyone. Of course all I know are at work.

So I tell the children we are having an adventure. They pair up and off we go. That was a site to see. I am sure onlookers thought I was mother hubbard.
Five girls, one boy of different ethnic backgrounds. The trick was to survive crossing one of the busier intersections in our town.

The children found great pleasure in the fact that I was telling them to run,get to the other side and save themselves. This mother hubbard is overweight and forty something and the light is not long enough to cross seven lanes of traffic. Should have had a video camera. Running was not an option nor would have been a pretty picture.

So we get home where I commence to make phone calls about my vehicle. I call the tow company and since the blow out is on the back tire they tow it on a flat bed to the tire store of my choice. So I have it towed to a store that assures me they have five in stock. So we get there and they only have two and are getting ready to close but will take care of it first thing in the morning.

I go home and continue putting my house back together from the carpet cleaning. Mind you I am going on two hours sleep since I worked late Thursday night. I get the kids off to bed and head back to work. Did I forget to mention I picked up extra hours at the request of my job. I know the traffic should have put me out of my misery.

Saturday we go get the vehicle and take it to another store who assures me they have thirteen of these tires in question and will have no problem getting those changed for me. Should take about an hour an half before they can get to it.

Later that afternoon I call and ask if the car is ready. I have my daughter take me over. Go in the store pay for the tires get my keys and head out to get my vehicle. As I am walking up to it something is just not right. I notice the front tires have not been changed. I turn around, walk back in to the store, and explain to the guy the front tires are still the old ones.

By this point I am thinking to myself, or one better. I said to the guy please don't tell my you changed my new back tires for two more new back tires and couldn't tell your were changing out new tires. He assured that was not what happened.

After explaining that my ride had somewhere to be so I am gonna have to leave not to mention the fact, I have a child with me that will level the store prevents me from waiting. He calls all hands on deck and promises to have it done in fifteen minutes.

I swear the whole garage came out to apologize. The manager gave me a free oil change for my inconvience. Believe me after Friday rolling into Saturday I did not think anything could top that day......

But that is another blog for another day....

HoRmOnEs......translation WhOrEmOaNs

I am not sure what it going on here but let me tell you. I think I am finding out what it is like to be a man. Let me clarify. All I think about is sex,sex,sex and more sex.

Okay fine not every waking minute because I have a house full of children. But when I am not dealing with children issues or working that is foremost on my mind. I am a forty something female and a more than healthy libio has kicked into high gear.

Will I act on these rampant emotions....probably not. But let me tell you, men in uniform just do it for me. Police men are at the top of my list. Must be that gun belt that gives them so much macho it just ooozes from their being. Then it would be service men. Especially the flight suits the Airforce guys wear.

I suppose my new found book interest in not helping this at all. I have started reading the Stephanie Plum Novels in which the main character is a bond enforcement agent. Working with no one but two very sexy men. One is of course a police officer and the other is a bounty hunter.

I was thinking of a career change....

Princess vs Tomboy

Her father called me today and asked what happened to his tomboy. I told him she met boys.

My daughter's father recently purchased some atv's thinking it would be good way to spend some quality family time. When she was little he would ride her on his motorcycle right up front. They went camping, fishing and boating together.

Well now she is older and thinking about other things. Just graduated college, working and of course friends. She still does things with Dad just not as much. That time we all dread when life takes over. Last week she helped him lay a concrete slab.

Came home all tussled and said that was hard work. On Saturday they took the atv's out. A few hours later my phone was ringing and it was her Dad. I knew something had to have happened. Many years of Mom experience let me keep my cool.

So I asked is she alright. He was like what. I said obviously she has been hurt as you are calling. He assured me that it was not too bad as she was able to drive and she was on her way. I hung up called and checked on her and said I would see her when she got home.

Guilt sets in and he is calling again. I told him that I had talked to her and would check her out and let him know if I was going to sue him for damages. Thus followed by laughter between us and he wondering about his tomboy.

Needless to say she was bruised and scrapped on her elbow. I told her the next day is when she would feel turning over the atv. She woke up with a bump on her forehead and had pains in her chest and side of her body that hit the ground.

I told her that is it she is not going anymore and she needed to let her Dad. The helmet she had on must of caused the bruising on her forehead. Later in the day we had a good laugh about her reporting her injuries to her Dad. He said let me guess, your Mom said you can't go again. Huh?

Yeah, yeah whatever he said. That is until the next time we go.

Death of a Meerkat

The things we bond with our children over. I am sure there are many other mothers in my same predicament. Meerkat Manor is a show that my youngest son and I have watched together on seveal occasions.

He has been watching since the show started in 2000 and the the "Queen of the Kalahari" was born, affectionately known as "Flower." For those not familiar it is a reality show on Animal Planet.

My son seemed a little more somber than ususal on Saturday. Could quite put my finger on what was going on with him. He and his brother had visit with their dad. Came home and just kinda of kept to himself.

His cousins with the exception of the youngest was outside and big brother and big sis were working. As I sat in my chair half watching my nephew and surfing the computer. My son was on the house computer behind me.

He asked me to turn and look at the screen,where he had pulled a web page. The page was a tribute to "Flower." She had died in the epsidode that aired on Friday. Talk about feeling like you have just lost the family pet.

My son was devasted. My heartbroke for him. We cried off and on Saturday night. I was even sadder that he had watched the Friday show without me. His wish was to find some way to give a fitting tribute to her. As I listened to him talk the beauty of his soul was revealed. In typical fashion of my son he decided to name a "World of Warcraft" character for her.

I asked if he would still continue to watch the show. He doesn't know if he will. He felt the show could have done something to help her. I had to explain that when filming is done in the wild they have a policy. The policy is not to disturb the natural balance of things.

This is truly one of the priceless parenting moments to know he felt comfortable to share his sorrow with me.

My brown eyed boy.......

I wonder if you think about me as much as I think about you. We met when we were both still young and naive. It was our senior year in high school and I had transferred to your school. You were in my homeroom, but I would not know that till much later.

Your mom would be the one to introduce us formally. I saw you that day when a car came barreling down our normally quite street dragging a man. All the neighbors came running. You with your blonde hair and brown eyes. I thought you were the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.

After all the commotion I was talking to my neighbor and another woman about what had happened and about the very cute blonde hair guy. The lady started to laugh and proclaimed that is my son you are talking about. I could have died right then and there. About that time you rounded the corner in your dune buggy.

Your mom waived you over and introduced us. Of course being of fair complexion I am sure that you thought something was wrong we me. I was bright red. When you smiled at me so did your eyes. That night you took me for a dune buggy ride. I would not believe anyone if they would have foretold of that summer.

A love affair that would carry on for several years after. Whether it was through letters, phone calls and the occasional face to face meeting. It amazes me how I remember the details so vividly like it was yesterday. Maybe I should put pen to paper and share the intimate details in one of those trashy chick novels.

Maybe one of these days I will get up the nerve to call you or email you and get to see those brown eyes again.

Bridget Jones is my girl.......

Ok I am a total Bridget Jones Diary fan. I love love love the movie. Renee Zellweger in that movie is great. I can relate to her. I have both movies but cannot resist watching when it is on tv. If I am channel surfing and it is on. I am watching. Crazy I know.

But the line in the movie that drives it all home for me is when Colin Firth's character (Marc Darcy) tells her "that he likes her just the way she is." I think about this often. I have come to the conclusion that this is what I want in my life. Someone that "likes me just the way I am."

I see it everyday. Couples that to us on the outside appear to be oddly matched. We wonder what the more attractive partner sees in the less attractive partner. Our perception of this anyway since it does not enter between the two. Unless you think like I do. I use to think this of the ex to be and myself. Not what I saw in him but what he saw in me.

It has taken me along time to be comfortable in my own skin. I am still my own worst critic but who isn't. So now I think to myself will I find that person for me? Whether I am dressed to the tens or just pull on t-shirt pair of jeans with no make up and pull my hair back. Or has that chance passed me by already.

Whether Mr.Darcy shows up or not maybe the person that is meant to "like me" for me is myself.

I dreamed of you again.......

In October it will be a year that you left me. Yes I say me, because I know truth be told I pulled away along time ago. For whatever reason, out what I thought was respect for the new wife or just some sense of stupidity.

It was very vivid dream we were walking talking and laughing. You called me your buddy said you could tell me anything. Are you trying to tell me something now? I am not sure where the big ole car came from in my dream. That was odd.

I miss you more each day and the one thing that kept the feeling that you were here if only in spirit has gone and is now with you. All that is left is your earthly belongings and soon they will be gone too.

It has been awhile since I have dreamed of you. I am happy and sad all at the same time. Your son wants me to be there to help go through things. I am not sure that I can do this. I find comfort just to sit there and think about all the memories. Twenty five years other than immeadiate family is the longest relationship I have ever had.

I am thankful everyday that I was there to hold your hand and tell you that I loved you. You were as close to me as my own mother. I thought of you as mom, but never spoke it for fear of upsetting others. That is the unfortunate thing some of us do, is worry about others needs instead of our own.

Till we meet again in my dreams...missing you.....more everyday.....